James T. Hooker Jim Parks --------------- Announcer: And now, James T. Hooker, the story of a starship captain who gives up everything to become a transvestite prostitute. With his companions, Mr. Spock and Dr. McCoy, he sets up shop in a small apartment on Rigel 7. Jim: Madam's log, stardate ... any date with a star I can find. Business has been dragging, and morale has been low. Mr. Spock is scanning the planet surface for customers, and Dr. McCoy is preparing me for transsexual surgery to take place in a month. McCoy: (After giving Jim an injection) Keep taking these hormones, Jim, and you'll be a full-figured girl in no time. Jim: Thanks Bones. Spock ... status report. Spock: Captain, there appears to be -- Jim: Damnit, Spock. How many times do I have to tell you, I'm not captain. I'm Madame. Madame, have you got that? Can't you get it through that half-Vulcan head of yours -- McCoy: Take it easy, Jim. Those hormones have really got you irritable. Jim: I'm sorry, Spock. Spock: Sorrow is a human emtion, Madame. But I understand that you humans have a need to express -- McCoy: Just accept the apology, Spock! Spock: Accepted, Madame. Jim: I've been feeling so raggy lately. Bones, can you do something about these nerves? McCoy: Damnit, Jim, I'm a pimp, not a miracle worker. Jim: Well, try something Bones. Anything. Spock, let's have that status report. Spock: As I was about to say ... Madame ... there appears to be a life-form approaching our apartment. Non-humanoid, not even carbon based. But sensors indicate human-like brain waves. Jim: All right Spock, shields on full power. Spock: Madame, we have no shields. Jim: No Spock, you idiot, I'm talking about my panty shields. Spock: Madame, with all due respect, I must advise you that the purpose of this mission is to seek out new life, show them a good time, and take their money. Jim: You're right Spock, you're absolutely right. Prepare for our guest (A shaggy creature enters) Analysis Bones. McCoy: (He shakes salt on the creature, makes sensor noises) Hell, Jim, it's living and moving. We can't be too picky. Jim: I mean, is it possible? Is it possible to ... show this creature a good time? Spock: Madame, sensors indicate that the creature has a reproductive system very different from our own. Jim: But can it be done? Gentlemen, I want answers and I want them now. (Bones and Spock go to work. Jim approaches the creature, tries to act pleasant, put his arm around it). Creature: Captain, I'll have to ask you not to be so forward. Jim: Spock, Bones. That voice. Do you recognize it? Spock: It appears to be a Gaelic accent, Scottish specifically. Jim: Scottish ... Scottish ... Scotty! Is that you? Scotty: Aye, Captain, it is. Jim: Scotty, what happened to you? The last time I saw you, we were going to the academy together. McCoy: You mean the Star Fleet academy? Jim: No, I mean the Venus Academy of Beauty. But Scotty, what happened to you? Scotty: Well, Captain, I had a wee bit of an accident. After beauty academy, I was stationed in the far reaches of the galaxy. It was a cold and lonely space station. So I tried having deviant relations with a matter-antimatter pod. Well, my wee dilithium crystals couldn't take it any longer and -- Spock: You imploded? Scotty: Aye, you might say that. McCoy: Do you realize the importance of all this? Scotty has been transformed into an entirely new kind of life-form. Spock: It's true, Madame, the possibilties of exploiting Mr. Scott are endless. (Suddenly the Madame is wracked with stomach cramps) Jim: Bones ... stomach ... pain. God, am I depressed. McCoy: Jim! Spock: Madame! McCoy: What have you done to him, you crazy overblown bagpipe! Scotty: I didn't do a thing. So don't jump me, Bones. Jim: I feel fat ... and unattractive .. ooooooh. Spock: His face does show signs of water buildup, Doctor. McCoy: Her face, Spock! Congratuations, Jim, you're having your first period. Jim: I -- am -- woman. (laughing, crying) Spock: Now that you have fully realized your feminine potential, Jim, I suggest that we expand our operations. McCoy: That's right. We could buy a ship and take our brothel to the end of the universe. Jim: Bones, Spock, this is wonderful. Scotty ... Scotty ... Will you come with us? We could have the best travelling brothel in the galaxy. Will you do it, Scotty? Scotty: Aye, Captain, I'll do my best. I have nowhere else to go. Jim: That's the spirit, Scotty. Gentlemen, we have our work cut out for us. Let's get cracking. All: Aye-aye, Madame Kirk (Exit everyone) Jim: (Offstage. To Star Trek Theme Music) These are the voyages of the starship Intercourse, whose five year mission is to seek out new life, beam them up to our ship, and boldy go where no man has gone before. (pause .. low voice) Excuse me, does anyone have a ... uh ... tampon?