.title Holiday Police .fg 20 .c;^&Holiday Police\& .s .c;Joel Snyder .c;Mike Sterner .c;Bill Bernat .s .c;January 13, 1983 .nmpg 1 .page .; Officers One and Two are walking the beat. .lm 8.p -8.at O2: Well, Officer One, I don't think we'll be having any trouble today. O1: Nope, Officer Two, I think this will be a pretty normal Christmas Eve Day. O2: You know, sometimes I think this is a kind of funny job (he laughs to himself), what with all the days off we get. O1: Ya, it is kind of funny (laughs to himself). Only working holidays and having all the other days off. But I guess that's why they call us the Holiday Police. Narrator: (with intro music) IT'S A CRIME TO WORK ON A HOLIDAY, AND YOU'D BETTER NOT TRY IT OR YOU MIGHT BE ARRESTED BY THE POLICE ..... THE HOLIDAY POLICE. O2: Say, Officer One, do you see what I see? O1: I think so. People in the bank. Working, right? O2: Right. (simultaneously with O1) Let's go! O1 and O2: (upon entering the bank) Everybody Freeze! (they pull out guns. A female customer screams and faints) Teller: (hysterical) Hold up! Hold up! O2: All right, nobody move and nobody gets hurt!!! O1: Wait a minute. Why'd you say that? O2: Say what? O1: "Nobody move and nobody gets hurt"? O2: Did I say that? O1: You did, just now. O2: Oh. I guess I lost my mind, just for a minute, there. Teller: Hold up! Hold up! O1: No, Maam, we're the police. O2: Holiday Police. O1: Who's in charge here? Teller: I am. O2: You? You're just the teller. How can you be in charge? Teller: I'm Debbie. Debbie N. Charge. (pause) (not yet, a bit longer) (okay, now) It's French. O1: Well then. Who's your manager? Teller: He's dead. O2: Sorry to hear it, maam. How'd it happen? Teller: His parents. O1: His parents did it? Teller: Of course they did. And then nine months later he was born. O2: Who was born? Teller: The manager. Jim Dead. Manager: Hello, I'm dead. O1: Really, I'm sorry. Manager: Officer Sorry. Didn't I meet you at the policeman's ball? O1: I didn't go to the policeman's ball. Manager: I'm sorry. O2: I thought you said you were Dead? Manager: I am. O1: Excuse me. This is Officer Two, and I'm One. Manager: One what? O1: A police officer. Manager: And he's an officer, too? O1: That's right. And you're under arrest. (the teller looks over him) Manager: But what for? O2: Didn't you know that today was a legal holiday? Teller: A legal holiday? O1: Yes, Maam. All banks and municipal buildings are supposed to be closed. It's Christmas Eve. Teller: No, it isn't. It's December 23rd. And don't call me Eve. O2: Whatever you say, Debbie. But this is December 24th. Manager: December 24th? That's funny (all laugh) All the bank calenders say the 23rd, and those are set by Universal Standard Time. O2: Yes, that is pretty funny. Now, if Universal Standard Time is a day late... then that could only mean one thing. O1: The world is a day early. O2: No, the whole world is a day late, isn't it? O1: No, early. O2: How do you figure? O1: Well, say you had to pay your phone bill on the 15th of the month... (improvise -- post office) Manager: (cutting them off) But if everyone was a day late, then it wouldn't matter. O2: No, no, you're right. If everyone was a day late, it wouldn't matter. O1: But it's gotta make some difference someplace to somebody. O2: Someday. O1: Somehow. O2: Sometime. O1: (singing) Somewhere, over the rainbow, skies are blue (O2 slaps O1) O1: Sorry, I guess I lost my mind, just for a minute there. So some people, some place. But where? O2: And more importantly, who? Indians? O1: No, Puerto Ricans? O2: No, Ge -- O1: No, not Germans. I already thought of them. Someplace really remote. Someplace completely out of touch with the real world. O1 and O2: AJO ! No, no... (at this moment, a large coat walks into the bank) Eskimo: Excuse me, I'm from out of state and I was wondering if you could cash this check for me. I'm an Eskimo. I live at the North Pole. O2: The North Pole. Eskimos. The North Pole. O1: The North Pole. Eskimos. The North Pole. Manager: Hello, I'm the manager. I'm the day late, Jim Dead (laughs and walks off) O1: I think we'd better pay a little visit to the North Pole. .page .lm 0.p 0.nat Scene opens at the North Pole. Santa, tied up, is the only one on stage. .lm 8.p -8.at Santa; Ho, ho, ho. SS: What's so funny, little man? Santa: Ho, Ho, Ho. SS: I'll make you think Ho, Ho, Ho, you little twerp. Santa: Ho, Ho, Ho. SS: Santa Claus ..... Ol' Saint Nick ..... Kris Kringle !!! Santa: Ho, Ho, Ho! Merry Christmas ! SS: I'll kringle you up into a ball and throw you into the fire if you don't shut up. Santa: Ho, Ho, Ho shit ! SS: Gag him! Elf: Yup ! (he does) Hyuk. Hyuk. SS: All these years I've hated you. You and your stupid red suits and clunky black boots. If fashion laws were ever enforced, you'd get a life sentence without hope for parole. Elf: Hyuk, hyuk Haw Haw. SS: And what's this with the beard? Don't you ever shave? And a diet certainly wouldn't hurt you any. Eh, fatboy? Elf: Durdle, durdle, durdle. SS: Shut up! You're no Christian Dior yourself, elf. (he takes a dramatic pause) Every year, children all over the world write letters to "Santy Claus." They all go to shopping malls and department stores to sit in his lap and have their frigging pictures taken. They even leave milk and cookies for "Rotundo" here to eat. Elf: They should leave plain yogurt and crackers instead. Hi-Ho Crackers. Santa: Hi Ho Ho Ho (through gag) SS: But next yearthey won't be leaving milk and cookie. They'll be putting out twigs and little pieces of bark. Elf: Eeuww! But why? SS: Why? For me ! Bruce, Bruce, the Hanukkah Moose !!! (pulls out antlers and places them onto his head) No more Christmas trees. Next year, only Hanukkah bushes. No more standing under the mistletoe, only kneeling next to the menorah. And no more Christmas stockings filled with toys and candy, only portfolios filled with Savings Bonds, Stock Certificates, and Money Market Accounts. I can see it now. Children lining up in front of JC Penny's -- no, no, Goldwaters. Children lining up in front of Goldwaters to sit on the lap of Bruce, Bruce, the Hanukkah moose, and reveal all their little hearts desires, and then Bruce pats them on the head and gives them a gift. Not a candy cane or chocolate Santa, but a yamukah and a little chocolate moose, and just before they leave in his own Moosely magnificence, he rises slowly, and bellows majestically, Aroooooo, Aroooooo! Elf: And then I go --- (improvise weird sound) SS: How dare you mock me, you fool! (suddenly the door bursts open and in come the Holiday police. The Elf whisks Santa into the closet) O1: Not so fast, Bruce. SS: Okay. (slowly) How ... dare ... you ... mock ... me ? O2: Cut the clowning. The game's over. SS: Game? What game? Is there a game on today? O2: You know what we mean. You've been found out. SS: Found out? What? I have done nothing. O2: Look, we were standing right outside. We heard everything. SS: But I have said nothing. O1: Ah, come on. Give us a break, huh? We heard all about your plan to destroy Santa Claus and ruin Christmas. SS: Ruin Christmas? Why would I want to ruin Christmas? O2: You know, so you could take over and be Bruce, Bruce, the Hanukkah Moose ! SS: What? Wha ... (slowly) Broose ... broo... O1: You know, "Arrrrooooo. Arrrrrooooo!" SS: What? (chuckles) Huh, huh. Arrrooo? Arrroo? I have no idea what you're talking about. I don't know who you guys are. You come bursting into my house and accuse me of being ... a moose. O2: You say you're not a moose. Then why do you have those antlers on your head? SS: (looks up, pauses, and then knocks the antlers across the room) Antlers? What antlers? O1: Those antlers, you jerk! SS: Where? O1: Under there. SS: Under where? (they both pause and smile quietly to each other) Elf: Dur, dur, under the table. O2: And who might you be? Elf: Uh ... Uh... I'm an elf. O2: You're no elf. You're too big to be an elf. Elf: I'm ... uh ... big for my size. O1: That's funny (from the closet we hear Ho, ho, ho. Ho, ho, ho.) O2: Yes, that is funny (chuckling) ( they all laugh) Santa: Ho, ho, ho. Merry Christmas. O1: What was that? (they rush to the closet) O2: What is it? O1: It's Santa ... He's tied to a chair in this little room with clothes hangers hanging from a bar. O2: The Santa Closet. O1: Right. That's all the evidence we need. We're taking you two in. SS: What? Taking us in? Are you two tailors? O2: Just one question. Why did you change all the calendars? SS: What? Did I do that? I guess I lost my mind, just for a minute there. (theme music. lights out)