.title Grimm Squad
.fg 20
.c;^&Grimm Squad\&
.s
.c;Rodney Kinney
.c;Michael Sterner
.c;Paul Smitherman
.nmpg 1
.page
.;
.lm 8.p -8.at
.p0
Scene opens in the precinct house. Seargent Brent is typing. Officer
 Jimmy is going through the day's reports. A man with an elf hat is
 seated on a bench. Enter Chico, the rookie, with a suspect in cuffs.
.p-8
Ch: All right, just step inside, pal.
Wo: Get your hands off me you fuckin' pig!!
Ch: (slamming him against the wall) Look, punk. I've dealt with your
 kind before. You carnivores are all alike.
Br: Watcha got, Chico?
Ch: Picked this punk up down on Forest Avenue, you know, down by the
 shortcut? Caught him in some old woman's house. Some kind of sex
 pervert. Found him dressed up in the old lady's clothes, sleeping
 in her bed. 
Br: Isn't this the same wolf we picked up last week for vandalizing
 those pigs' condos?
Ji: You bastard! One of those pigs was my cousin! (runs at Wolf)
Ch: Hey, calm down!! (restrains him)
Ji: (near tears) he huffed... and he puffed... (Chico takes Jimmy
 away and comforts him)
Br: All right, name?
Wo: Big Bad Wolfe
Br: Do you have an occupation, Mr. Wolfe? Or can I call you Big?
Wo: I'm a Big Bad Wolfe by trade.
Br: I see. Well, it looks like we got you here on breaking and entering.
 Attempted theft of a basket of goodies. What do you have to say about
 that?
Wo: I ain't sayin' nothin' until I see my lawyer. I get one phone call,
 I know that.
Br: Yeah, OK. Phone's over there.
.p0
He goes to the phone. Enter Hansel and Gretel.
.p-8
Ha: Ah, excuse me, Officer. Mein sister, Gretel, und I vould like to
 report a crime.
Br: What kind of crime?
Ha: An old Voman kept us locked up in her house und fattened us up
 so she could eat us.
Gr: Ya! Ya! It's true!
Ji: Kidnapping and attempted cannibalism ... Jeeeezus!
Br: All right, if you could just have a seat right over there I'm 
 sure that Officer Jimmy will let you look through some mug shots.
Wo: (returning from his call) My lawyer said that since you didn't
 read me my rights, you have to let me go.
Br: Chico! You idiot! Don't tell me you forgot proper arrest procedure.
Ch: Dammit!! I'm sorry, sarge.
Br: Sorry isn't good enough, Chico. Not when we have to let punks 
 like this back out into the woods. All right, take off, you delinquent
 lupus. (The Wolf is very pleased with himself and stuts out.)
Ji: So, can you give me a description of the suspect?
Ha: (looking through the book) Well, she vas old... und ugly... und
 vore dark clothing...
Ji: Black?
Ha: Ya. And a pointed hat.
Gr: Ya! Ya! A hat!
Ji: Hmmmnn... Do any of these look familiar?
Ha: Vell, she had a pointed nose like this, except that there were
 two little warts instead of one big one. Und the hair frizzed more
 out to the side...
Gr: She had a broom!
Ha: Ya! Ya! A broom!
Ji: (closing the book) Well, maybe we could pick up a few suspects
 and have you come back in next week and look at a lineup.
Ha: Ya, ya. Danke shen.
Ji: No problem (they leave)
Br: Just got this back from the lab on that Snow White case.
Ch: That the girl in the coma?
Br: Yeah. It's laced with cyanide.
Ch: What kind of a sick person would do that?
Ji: Got anything on those dwarves?
Br: Nothing except this. (holds up a pick) Found it in one of their
 backpacks.
Ji: Jeee...zus! (looks at it)
Br: He says it's a diamond miner's pick. I say it's a deadly concealed
 weapon.
Ji: Did you have it checked for prints?
Br: Yeah, I even had it check for print-cess. Clean as a (he whistles
 the tune "Whistle while you work.")
Ji: Cute.
Ch: All right, Elfnik. Get up off your rump. Let's go over to the desk
 and talk to the seargent.
Ru: I demand to know why I'm being held! On what charge?
Ch: Picked up this guy in connection with a black-market baby ring.
Br: Why don't you tell him that. Did you read him his rights?
Ch: Uhhhh... I'm not sure.
Br: Jimmy! Better come over here and read this gentleman his rights.
 (Chico sheepishly goes and gets some coffee)
Ji: (Holding a card) You have the right to remain Grimm. Any emotion
 you express can and will be used against you. You have the right
 to a fairy godmother. If you cannot afford one, one will be appointed
 to you by the court.
Br: Sir, do you understand these rights as read to you by Officer Jimmy?
 (Rumple does a little jig.)
Br: Is that a "yes?"
Ru: Yes.
Br: All right, name? (Rumple looks crafty but says nothing)
 Your name, please? (pause) All right. So you wanna play games, huh?
 (slowly) OK, I'll try and guess. Is it Benjamin?
Ru: No! (this he says after every name with a coy jump of the voice)
Br: Timothy? Jeremiah? Richard? William? Christopher? Phillip?
 (the phone rings)
Ji: (Taking notes) Grimm squad. Officer Jimmy speaking. What's that?
 You say you went to the races yesterday... and you laid down a bundle
 on the hare ... but the tortoise won ... and you suspect that the race
 was fixed? Well, yes maam. Excuse me ... Excuse me, but isn't that
 Aesop's Fables? Yes, well, this is the Grimm Squad. I'm afraid that
 that's out of our jurisdiction, Maam. OK, goodbye.
Br: ... Cleavon? 
Ch: Bandylegs?
Br: Sisyphus?
Ch: Crookshanks?
Br: Bob? I didn't say Bob yet.
Ru: No ! (pause) Give up?
Br: All right. Allright, we give up.
Ru: (he stands and does a little skipping dance and says)
.s
.literal
	Merrily the feast I'll make
	Today I'll brew, tomorrow bake
	Merrily I'll dance and sing
	For next day will a stranger bring
	Little does my lady dream
	Rumple-stilts-kin is my name... neam ... name.
.end literal
Br: Let me see if I got this right. Your first name's Rumple.
Ru: Yes.
Br: And your middle names's Stilts?
Ru: Yes.
Br: And your last name is Kin?
Ru: Yes, that's right.
Br: OK. Next of kin? (Rumple is silent again) Benjamin? Timothy? Jeremiah?
Ch: Crookshanks?
.p0
Suddenly a loud noise is heard outside.
.p-8
Wo: (offstage) Wooooo ... Woooooooof WoooooAAAAAARRRGGGHHHHH!!!!
 Thump, Thump, Thump, (Chico and Jimmy run off to investigate. Seargent
 Brent gets out a gun. They return holding a large woodsman with a
 bloody axe.)
Br: What the hell was that?
Ch: Caught him outside. Chopping up a wolf!
Ji: Caught him red-handed.
Br: Wolfe? Big Bad Wolfe? The punk we had to let go earlier?
Ji: The same.
Br: All right. Take the pieces down to the coroner's office, but save
 the hide for me. My wife's been bugging me for a coat. You (to the
 woodsman) Good Work. All right. Book him, Chico.
Ch: Come on!
Br: Chico!
Ch: Oh yeah. You have the right to remain Grimm...(lights)