From: IN%"TITLE399@LISTSERV.SPC.EDU" "Title III 1999 discussion list" 15-DEC-1998 10:02:26.38 To: IN%"TITLE399@LISTSERV.SPC.EDU" "Multiple recipients of list TITLE399" CC: Subj: Fw: "Il Destino di Grant Application" Return-path: Received: from mailgate.spc.edu ("port 3537"@mailgate.spc.edu) by spcvxa.spc.edu (PMDF V5.0-8 #D3397) id <01J5D2LLI7MO00294R@spcvxa.spc.edu>; Tue, 15 Dec 1998 10:02:13 -0500 (EST) Received: from listserv.spc.edu (root@listserv.spc.edu [192.107.46.113]) by mailgate.spc.edu (8.8.8/8.8.8/SPC-3.0-NORELAY) with ESMTP id KAA26746; Tue, 15 Dec 1998 10:01:54 -0500 (EST) Received: from listserv.spc.edu (listserv@listserv.spc.edu [192.107.46.113]) by listserv.spc.edu (8.8.5/8.8.8/SPC-2.2-NORELAY) with ESMTP id KAA15102; Tue, 15 Dec 1998 10:01:48 -0500 (EST) Received: from LISTSERV.SPC.EDU by LISTSERV.SPC.EDU (LISTSERV-TCP/IP release 1.8b) with spool id 28409 for TITLE399@LISTSERV.SPC.EDU; Tue, 15 Dec 1998 10:01:46 -0500 Received: from mailgate.spc.edu (root@mailgate.spc.edu [192.107.46.158]) by listserv.spc.edu (8.8.5/8.8.8/SPC-2.2-NORELAY) with ESMTP id KAA15095 for ; Tue, 15 Dec 1998 10:01:44 -0500 (EST) Received: from spcvxa.spc.edu (SYSTEM@spcvxa.spc.edu [192.107.46.27]) by mailgate.spc.edu (8.8.8/8.8.8/SPC-3.0-NORELAY) with ESMTP id KAA26736 for ; Tue, 15 Dec 1998 10:01:28 -0500 (EST) Received: from lib.spc..edu ("port 1658"@adm1.lib.spc.edu) by spcvxa.spc.edu (PMDF V5.0-8 #D3397) id <01J5D2KOII3K002AB5@spcvxa.spc.edu> for TITLE399@LISTSERV.SPC.EDU; Tue, 15 Dec 1998 10:01:21 -0500 (EST) Date: Tue, 15 Dec 1998 10:00:51 -0500 From: Fred Nesta Subject: Fw: "Il Destino di Grant Application" Sender: Title III 1999 discussion list To: Multiple recipients of list TITLE399 Reply-to: Title III 1999 discussion list Message-id: <01be283b$b4dcbfe0$2d178dcc@lib.spc..edu> MIME-version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Microsoft Outlook Express 4.71.1712.3 Content-type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-transfer-encoding: 7bit X-Priority: 3 X-MSMail-Priority: Normal X-MimeOLE: Produced By Microsoft MimeOLE V4.71.1712.3 And happy holidays to all. Fred Nesta Director, Saint Peter's College Libraries 99 Glenwood Ave. Jersey City, NJ 07306 (201) 915-9387 / Fax: (201) 432-4117 http://www.spc.edu/library "...but if you want an education, go to the library." Frank Zappa -------------- >To: OPERA-L@LISTSERV.CUNY.EDU >Date: Monday, December 14, 1998 10:21 PM >Subject: "Il Destino di Grant Application" > > >>A colleague sent me the following spoof. I hope it does not duplicate >>any previous messages. It should be fun for academics on the list. I >>don't know the origin and I cannot give credit to the author. >>Don Dewsbury >> >>> Libretto for "Il Destino di Grant Application", by Giuseppe Linguini >>> >>> Cast (in order of vocal appearance) >>> Alfredo, a professor ..................................... Baritone >>> Wu Li, a post-doc ....................................... Tenor >>> Kathy, another post-doc .............................. Alto >>> Nicolette, Alfredo's secretary ...................... Soprano >>> Adriana, Alfredo's wife ................................ Soprano >>> Bubba, Alfredo's son .................................... Tenor >>> Julieta, Alfredo's daughter ........................... Soprano >>> Stephano, Senior Research Administrator ..... Bass >>> Erminio, another professor............................ Bass >>> >>> Act I, Alfredo's Office: >>> The curtain rises showing Alfredo sitting in his office with two >>> post-docs, working on a manuscript which has been rejected by Nature. >>> In a dramatic opening aria, they lament the fact that the reviewers >>> found the manuscript unexciting ("I reviewers sono malto stupidi"). >>> Nicolette, the secretary arrives with a box of NIH grant applications >>> for Alfredo to review. Alfredo opens it, and finding only 12 grant >>> applications, rejoices. He is joined by the two post-docs and the >>> secretary in a quartet in which they sing of the virtues of having to >>> review only 12 applications ("Il lighto loado"). Their happiness soon >>> turns to sorrow when Alfredo discovers a note indicating that he is >>> primary reviewer on an additional 18 applications which will arrive at a >>> later date ("Il grande boxo di granti"). The four lament the twist of >>> fate, Murphy's law, and the Peter Principle. Alfredo, realizing that he >>> will have no time to spend with his lab group or family for the next 6 >>> weeks, sadly departs for home carrying the box of applications. >>> >>> Act II - Scene 1, Alfredo's office: >>> One month later, Alfredo is still hard at work on the applications, >>> having completed only 4, and these were the short R15 applications. He >>> sings a sad aria, reflecting on the fact that the Senior Research >>> Administrator wants the triage list the next day ("Il listo e crappo"). >>> Nicolette enters with an envelope from NIH. Alfredo, thinking it >>> contains yet another supplement, tosses it onto a pile, and tries to >>> find his place in the application he was reading. Just then, Wu Li >>> enters with some important data that needs to be published immediately, >>> before the competitors beat them to it. They sing a duet ("La >>> publicazione o il scoopo") in which Alfredo laments that he has no time >>> to help write the manuscript as he really must get through 26 more >>> applications before the meeting next week. Wu Li leaves, and Alfredo >>> returns to the grant application, only to be interrupted by Kathy. She >>> is distraught that she hasn't got a raise in the two years since she has >>> been with Alfredo. He promises her a large raise if his own application >>> is funded, explaining that he is waiting for the summary statement ("Il >>> sheeto pinko"). After their duet, Kathy leaves and Alfredo returns once >>> again to the application. >>> >>> Within a minute, he jumps out of his seat and grabs the envelope he >>> hastily tossed onto his desk, realizing that it is the long-awaited >>> summary statement (La posta junko e il sheeto pinko"). Trembling, >>> Alfredo tears open the envelope and lets out a cry upon seeing the >>> score, which is clearly not in the fundable range. He sings a moving >>> aria lamenting the lack of sufficient funding for basic science ("Mio >>> granto e finito"). Unable to concentrate anymore, Alfredo goes home. >>> >>> Act II - Scene 2, Alfredo's home: >>> Later that night, Alfredo arrives home. His wife and children are >>> ecstatic that Alfredo has come home before they have gone to sleep. >>> However, their happiness is shortlived as they learn the reason for his >>> surprise homecoming. His family is not sympathetic to the fact that >>> only a small number of people actually get their grant applications >>> funded, and are upset that Alfredo's application was only considered >>> excellent' ("Papa e un nincompoopo"). Disheartened, Alfredo sits down >>> at his desk and begins to read an application. However, just as at >>> work, he can't read for more than a minute until his children or wife >>> interrupt him for something. >>> >>> This continues for a couple of hours, at which point Alfredo has nearly >>> finished reading an entire page of the application, but unfortunately >>> falls asleep before getting to the next page. >>> >>> Act III, A Holiday Inn in Valhalla, home of the Gods and Goddesses of >>> NIH: >>> The scene opens to reveal a large table surrounded by serious looking >>> men and women. Alfredo is among the mortals, who have been invited to >>> Valhalla to decide the fate of 137 grant applications. At the side of >>> the room are the Gods and Goddesses of NIH, the program officers of the >>> various agencies, dressed in white tunics. They are feeding from a >>> large tray of grapes, and drinking decaf coffee. Stephano, the Senior >>> Research Administrator begins the meeting with a hour-long aria about >>> the grant review process and the need for confidentiality ("Non asko, >>> non tello"). The first grant application to be reviewed is one with >>> Alfredo as the primary reviewer. Alfredo likes this grant application >>> since it describes an imaginative series of experiments that concern an >>> important but not well-studied biological question ("Se succeede, e il >>> Nobelo Prizo"). Furthermore, this application described all of the key >>> points in a single page; the limit of Alfredo's attention span with all >>> of the interruptions he gets. His enthusiasm is countered by the other >>> reviewer in what is probably the most famous aria of the opera ("Non >>> hypothesiso, non preliminary dato"). Other reviewers join in with other >>> comments regarding the lack of independence of the applicant, the lack >>> of feasibility studies, and the general observation that the area must >>> not be very important or else others would be working on it. Finally, >>> the Grants Technical Assistant rises and joins in the singing ("Givmi il >>> floppi disko"). Everybody in the room finally joins in except for the >>> Gods and Goddesses, who have moved from the tray of grapes to a large >>> table filled with melon balls, which they eat with toothpicks, and a man >>> in a Holiday Inn uniform who is restocking the toothpicks. As it is >>> clear that no new comments have been made for at least 45 minutes, a >>> vote is finally called for, and in a dramatic moment, Alfredo sings out >>> "10.0", while the other reviewers vote for a worse score ("Il granto e >>> non-competitivo"), finally arriving at a consensus of 2.0. During the >>> aria discussing the score, the man in a Holiday Inn uniform becomes >>> noticeably distressed and begins consuming vast quantities of coffee, >>> until he collapses just as the aria ends. One of the NIH Godesses >>> identifies the man as Erminio, the applicant of the grant that just went >>> down the tubes. Even though Erminio is fatally poisoned, he is still >>> able to sing a moving aria reflecting on the weaknesses of the current >>> grant review system ("Il reviewers e screwed-uppo"). The opera ends >>> with the reviewers placing Erminio's lifeless body in the boxes that >>> hold the discarded grant applications, and covering him with glossy >>> photos of his data. As the curtain is being slowly lowered, one of the >>> reviewers comments that it's a good thing the application wasn't given a >>> really bad score, or who knows what the applicant would have done. >>> >>> >> >