GENUINE GUINESS
                             by Ed McNierney
                                            
    (The following explicit, detailed instructions came from Arthur Guiness
    & Sons, Ltd.)
    
    Making Guiness is the easiest thing in the world;  in fact we do it
    every day.
    
    But rumours have been circulating recently which talk of secret
    ingredients and scientific formulae.
    
    So to clear up all misunderstandings, Guiness is proud to publish the
    complete recipe and instructions for making our beer.
    
    	INGREDIENTS
    
    	5,500 bushels of finest malted barley
    	475 bushels of roasted barley
    	4,500 lbs of best hops
    	2,000 lbs of yeast
    	160,000 gallons of water
    
    This recipe produces a quantity of Guiness sufficient for 2,450,000
    people.  Should you require more, you can increase the amount in
    proportion.
    
    	METHOD
    
    Take the barley, malted and flaked and roasted, and grind it up in a
    grinding mill.  Add hot water and stir constantly for six hours.  (It's
    best to have more than one person on this job, in case your arm gets
    tired.)  Drain off liquid, add hops and boil for four hours.  Drain off
    liquid again, allow to cool, add yeast and leave to ferment for three
    days.  Remove yeast by passing liquid through a centrifuge.  (If you
    don't have a centrifuge handy, you could improvise with a very big
    spin-dryer.  Do tell us if it works.)
    
    Leave for a fortnight.  Then, before sending it to the bottlers, you
    must add a little partly fermented beer, so that when your 'Guiness' is
    bottled it will continue to mature until it's ready to drink in three
    weeks' time.  Easy, isn't it?
    
    	SNAGS
    
    If at any time during the process you encounter a snag, it is best to
    seek expert advice.  We recommend hiring yourself a brewer (we have
    several, but they're all busy making Guiness at the moment, so we can't
    lend you one).  A brewer is a mine of sophisticated technological
    information who can sort out any snag in a matter of moments.
    
    If, for example, your 'Guiness' turned out like the picture above
    [picture of a glass of stout with the head on the bottom  -Ed.], an
    experienced brewer could take one look at it and tell you where you'd
    gone wrong.
    
    "Aha!" (he might say in this case).  "You've brewed it upside down." 
    Do not, however be discouraged;  we all make mistakes to begin with.
    
    	TRANSPORT
    
    To get your 'Guiness to the bottlers, you'll have to buy some of these
    tankers.  They're brightly coloured, hard-wearing, practical, and you
    won't even have to pay purchase tax on them, which accounts for their
    bargain proce of 10,500L.
    
    	AN UNFORSEEN PROBLEM
    
    You will notice after the bottlers have done their work that you are
    now the proud possessor of some 2,450,000 bottles of Guiness-like beer. 
    Your best plan is to try to sell them with some eye-catching and
    devilishly cunning advertising.  Unfortunately, you can't call your
    beer 'Guiness' because somebody's already thought of that name, so why
    not do what our founder did and call the beer after yourself?
    
    We have a few old poster ideas you could use (suitably altered) to get
    it off the ground.
    
    Finally, if you'd like to see how your 'Guiness' measures up to the
    real thing, you can buy a bottle of our beer at any of the 138,000
    clubs, pubs, off-licenses and licensed supermarkets.  In fact, if you
    do that in the first place, you probably won't even bother to make your
    own.