> Bill Gates And No Sympathy For The Devil + or ; An Interview With Mr. B. L. Zeebub  2 by John C. Dvorak 5 25-May-92 -- Microtimes    I On April 15, 1992, I was granted an exclusive interview with D the master of darkness, Mr. B. L. Zeebub, head honcho of the G underworld, sometimes known as "Satan" or "the devil". Since I K avoid association with his clan, he contacted me by MCI Mail to set E up a meeting. He had learned that I was looking into various L industry moguls who are believed to have made a deal with the devil, D and that I had become something of an expert on the subject.  K Because of an unusual deal he made with Bill Gates, Mr. Zeebub G thought it would be good to have a meeting. We chose a neutral D spot, the lobby of the San Francisco Marriott, to meet. The J conversation was taped, and the following is an edited transcript.   K DVORAK: So, exactly why did you call for this meeting? I find this  unusual.  K ZEEBUB: It's quite out of the ordinary for me, too, but I have done F quite a few deals with many of the richest men in high I technology, and I want to go public with the information.  3 DVORAK: Why? What difference does it make?  L ZEEBUB: Not wanting to name names, I did a deal with Bill Gates, and J it's causing some confusion and consternation with some of " the other fellows.  G DVORAK: Bill Gates? Don't tell me he sold his soul to become a  billionaire?  6 ZEEBUB: Well, that's what we thought at first.  E The deal was pretty straightforward. He's one of the H richest men in the world and can have anything he wants. F This is, of course, thanks to me. After he's dead I'm E supposed to have certain rights that supersede normal E procedure. Now we've discovered that this will never  happen.  / DVORAK: So he sold his soul to be rich?  L ZEEBUB: It's not that simple. Gates is too smart for that kind of a J deal. He's a tough negotiator. I think the contract is a  bit unusual.   DVORAK: For example?  J ZEEBUB: Well, his attorneys did a great job -- and I admit this -- K making sure that he's protected from those notorious tricks  L Page 2   + you've heard so much about.  I Gates' people made sure none of that kind of nonsense was G allowable. We actually may have been premature when we G signed it. He seems to have a lot of clauses my people K didn't understand. We were so concerned with his soul that I we didn't pay enough attention to his attorneys. The guy 3 just doesn't look that threatening.  L DVORAK: Uh, let me get this straight. You did a deal with Gates and % the deal favored him?  L ZEEBUB: Well, it actually may be worse than that. I'm not sure what % to do about about it.  H Gate's deal has some interesting performance clauses and F some fallback language that they slipped by us. Gates K requires that his net worth increase $10 billion by the end J of 1992 and then double each year for the next five years. G It was written in such a way that we didn't see how the 7 numbers were going to increase so fast.  H My people are having a hell of a time, pardon my French, E maintaining his wealth curve. We got him up to eight ? billion or so and can probably meet this year's J requirements, but to double it again is going to be tough.  < DVORAK: So throw in the towel. What's the big deal?  I ZEEBUB: It turns out that if we don't perform, Gates gets gets my  business.  7 DVORAK: What do you mean, "gets your business"?  B ZEEBUB: Takes over the business. You know, like, owns it.  J He gets all those contracts from me. Can you imagine what J will happen when those guys who signed up with me from Sun I Microsystems, for example, find out that Gates gets their  souls!?!?  H DVORAK: You mean he'd get their souls? Like for eternity? That L kind of thing? What would he do with them. What about when # he grows old and...  H ZEEBUB: Oh, he's already immortal. That was another deal he did I with an associate long ago. Bill Gates is 208 years old! I If I had known about it I wouldn't have done this deal in the first place.  E Anyhow, I have no idea what he'd do with their souls. J Auction them, I suppose. It's not them I'm worried about.   ___ * DVORAK: Who are you worried about?  % ___ K ZEEBUB: Me. My counselors now tell me that if I go into default he # __ * will actually own my soul.  J DVORAK: Wow. First the business, then the soul. How could such a  L Page 3   J thing happen? What would it mean to the scheme of things?  E ZEEBUB: That's what we're trying to figure out. My long-term K obligations to the universe and the good-evil continuum are K in jeopardy. There's a rumor going around that Gates wants J to parcel hell, put in a fake beach and sell condos. It's G not that I care that much about the property. It's the ' principle of the thing.  4 DVORAK: So what's the point of this meeting?  - ZEEBUB: Do you know any good lawyers?  3 DVORAK: I thought you had them all in hell.  6 ZEEBUB: They don't keep up with current cases.   K Shortly thereafter I left Mr. Zebub in the Marriott lobby. He K looked depressed. I agreed to publish this interview as a plea for K an attorney for the devil. I'm told that attorneys know how to get  in touch with him.   ( Copyright 1992 by John C. Dvorak