X-NEWS: spcvxb alt.sex: 49475 Relay-Version: VMS News - V6.0-3 14/03/90 VAX/VMS V5.4; site spcvxb.spc.edu Path: spcvxb.spc.edu!rutgers!jvnc.net!darwin.sura.net!europa.asd.contel.com!uunet!world!kibo Newsgroups: news.admin,news.groups,alt.config,clari.net.talk,comp.org.eff.talk,alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.john-palmer,alt.sex Subject: IMPORTANT PROCLAMATION: THE FUTURE OF THE NET Message-ID: From: kibo@world.std.com (Leader Kibo) Date: 1 Apr 92 04:00:27 GMT Followup-To: news.admin,news.groups,alt.config,comp.org.eff.talk Organization: World Headquarters Of The New Net Summary: Usenet to be replaced. Lines: 221 Xref: spcvxb news.admin:11965 news.groups:29116 alt.config:6517 comp.org.eff.talk:7243 alt.religion.kibology:1370 alt.fan.john-palmer:318 alt.sex:49475 P R O C L A M A T I O N *********************** WHEREAS, the computer network named USENET has problems: => It is cluttered with thousands of disorganized groups. => It is difficult to use due to the various software interfaces. => It is infected with viruses, especially in the .signatures. THEREFORE, in an official and secret democratic vote, Kibo has been duly elected LEADER OF THE NET. To solve these problems, Leader Kibo has decided to take bold measures, a brave new initiative, detailed herein. PHASE ONE. GLOBAL RMGROUPS FOR ALL USENET GROUPS WILL BE ISSUED ON 4/15/92, 0600GMT. A Day Without Usenet shall pass, and it will be a time of rest for government employees. PHASE TWO. NEWGROUPS FOR THE GROUPS IN THE NEW HIERARCHY WILL BE ISSUED ON 4/16/92, 0600GMT. The new network shall be named HAPPYNET, as it will be a Better Place. Usenet is dead. Long live HappyNet! ********* HAPPYNET: THE NET THAT'S HAPPIER THAN YOU! ********* THE NEW NETWORK SHALL BE ORGANIZED THUSLY: Three hierarchies encompassing ALL HUMAN DISCOURSE. => nonbozo.* => bozo.* => megabozo.* Existing groups will be moved into the new organization scheme, resulting in nonbozo.news.announce.newusers, bozo.rec.pets, megabozo.talk.bizarre, etc., as determined by scientific measurements of the bozosity of the groups, measured by Leader Kibo's Council On Scientific Bozosity and the faculty of Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute (Troy, NY), world leaders in bozosity assessment. It is estimated that the breakdown will be thus: 1.0000% nonbozo.* 90.0000% bozo.* 9.0000% megabozo.* (Computations courtesy of Bell Labs) Bozo.* will, of course, be subdivided logically: bozo.nerd.*, bozo.tv.*, bozo.inane.*, bozo.argue.*. New groups will also be added for maximum enjoyment. The network would be a very unfair place if only Leader Kibo were allowed to propose new groups. Instead, because Leader Kibo is benevolent and omnisagaciously father-like, he will create WHATEVER GROUP YOU WANT (even, say, megabozo.kibo.is.a.blenny!) provided that (a) you follow the Official Procedure, filing all six copies of your request in triplicate and then making four carbons of each, and (b) you pay Leader Kibo $100 for each letter in the new group's name, and $500 for each period. Also, over five billion groups will be added at HappyNet's inception, free of charge! ********* HAPPYNET: EVERYONE IS EQUALLY EQUAL! ********* To promote EQUALITY and POLITICAL CORRECTNESS (the good kind), Leader Kibo has decided to correct the inequality of the distribution of "personal" groups. Some people, or groups of people, currently are popular enough to have groups named in their honor: alt.weemba, alt.fan.john-palmer, alt.fan.monty-python, alt.fan.dave-barry, alt.fan.mike-jittlov, alt.angst.xibo.sex, alt.religion.kibology, alt.fan.alok-vijayvargia, alt.fan.harry-mandel. Because everyone is equal before the eyes of Leader Kibo, it was decided that EVERYONE WILL HAVE THEIR OWN GROUP. A scientific questionnaire developed specifically for the purpose will be mailed to everyone on the planet. It will read: Dear Citizen Of The New Network, You will be assigned your own group, placement depending on your answer to this simple question. ARE YOU A BOZO? [] YES [] NO People who answer "yes" will be given groups in bozo.personal.*, and people who answer "no" will be given groups in megabozo.personal.*. People who refuse to answer, or show contempt for the process, will be taken (by the Network Security Patrol) to the Citadel Of Judgment to appear before the Council Of Bozosity, who will examine the person and assign them either bozo.weenie.* or megabozo.weenie.*. Of course, this would be POINTLESS if anyone in the world were DENIED ACCESS to HappyNet. ********* HAPPYNET: A NET IN EVERY POT! ********* Net access will be provided to EVERY SINGLE PERSON, LIVING, UNBORN, OR DEAD, thanks to the new TELESCREENS which will be installed in every room of every building on the planet. Not only will this encourage higher net communications volume, it will also help Leader Kibo be a good leader, as it will allow Leader Kibo to instantly broadcast to all his subjects, and to see how they are feeling and what they are doing. In fact, it will even allow Leader Kibo to know what his subjects are THINKING, thanks to the heroic actions of the NETWORK SECURITY PATROL FORCE. ********* HAPPYNET: WE KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING ********* The Network Security Patrol Force, or NSPF, will be composed of volunteer system administrators who wish to enforce the continued accuracy, relevance, and acceptability of HappyNet postings. They will monitor, censor, and cancel bad postings, made by EVIL SUBVERSIVES who attempt to DEPRIVE you of your HAPPINESS. They have really spiffy uniforms, especially the shiny gas masks and the twelve-inch-thick shoulder pads and the twelve-inch cleats. And, of course, they will punish evildoers at night. ********* HAPPYNET: ACCURACY IS EVERYTHING ON HAPPYNET! ********* Here are examples of infractions against the unwritten rules of HappyNet, and the punishments the NSPF will bring against the villains. .signature longer than four lines: Forced to read "War And Peace" at 110 baud. Posting an article consisting solely of "Me too!": Poster's legal name is officially changed to "Me Too". Calling a newsgroup a "bboard" or "notesfile": Forced to memorize Webster's Ninth. Spelling "too" as "to", "it's" as "its", "lose" as "loose", "Anti-Semetic", or "masterbation": Forced to write out Webster's Ninth ten times. Asking what ":-)" means: Drawing, quartering, and turning sideways. Sending a newgroup without permission of Leader Kibo: Poster is forced to adopt twelve wacky sitcom children. Posting flames outside of a *.flame group: Poster is allowed to read only groups about fluffy puppies. Posting "Please send e-mail, since I don't read this group": Poster is rendered illiterate by a simple trephination. Asking for people to send cards to Craig Shergold: Poster must answer all of Craig's mail. Posting an article with a malformed address so that mail bounces when people reply: Poster and/or their admin are sent back to kindergarten. Spelling name in huge script letters: Poster is forced to tattoo HappyNet slogans on their body in huge script letters. Excess CAPITALIZATION & PUNCTUATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!: Poster is issued a new keyboard without capitals or punctuation. *Excess*asterisks*in*.signature*: Poster is hit with one shuriken for each asterisk. Articles quoted in followup, but no new semantic content appended: Poster is forced to watch a "Small Wonder" marathon on cable TV. Advertising on the net: Poster is forced to pay Leader Kibo for the advertising time. Asking help for some program but not saying what sort of computer you're using: Poster's computer is reduced to 1K RAM. Arguing over whose computer is better: Being introduced to Leader Kibo, whose custom Mondo Zeugma 6866688786/XA/sxe/IV computer is far better than theirs and will make them cry in humiliation. Referring to the NSPF as "The Thought Police": Execution. Humor impairment: Execution. Saying "Imminent death of the net predicted!": Imminent execution of poster predicted. There are others, but they are double secret. Of course, various branches of the NSPF will specialize in various enforcements: the Spelling Squad, the Grammar Goons, the Definition Draconians, the Typo Tyrants, the Capitalization Captains, the Pedantic Patriots, and the .signature .specialforce. Alt.flame (now megabozo.alt.flame) will be moderated by tale@rpi.edu, as his news.announce.newgroups duties have been assumed by Leader Kibo. A program that determines how funny an article is by measuring the frequency of the "k" sound (an elementary comedic principle discovered in Kukamonga, Arkansas) will replace rec.humor.funny moderator Brad Templeton, allowing him to devote full time to ClariNet. Iain Sinclair will ensure that the link between Australia and the rest of the world is down on a regular schedule, instead of an irregular one. LEGAL NOTICE: Disclaimers are NOT required on articles, therefore you MUST include the following: Disclaimer: This disclaimer is not required by Leader Kibo. This article does not necessarily represent the opinions of Leader Kibo. Have a nice day. ******** HAPPYNET: A BLAST TO LIGHT OUR GLOWING FUTURE! ******** In the future, HappyNet will be expanded to replace the other `conventional' media, such as newspapers, television, radio, standup comedy, and sex. .signatures will be sixty-second commercials. Alt.sex (bozo.alt.sex) will be interactive and finally worth reading. ********* HAPPYNET: YOU CONTROL HOW IT CONTROLS YOU *********