From:	IN%"minow@bolt.enet.dec.com"  "Martin Minow, ML3-5/U26  14-May-1990 0945" 14-MAY-1990 10:39:50.70
To:	_TERRY
CC:	
Subj:	cookie.009

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Date: Mon, 14 May 90 07:10:54 PDT
From: "Martin Minow, ML3-5/U26  14-May-1990 0945" <minow@bolt.enet.dec.com>
Subject: cookie.009
To: address@bolt.enet.dec.com
Message-id: <9005141410.AA02405@decpa.pa.dec.com>
X-Envelope-to: terry

Wear a smile and have friends; wear a scowl and have wrinkles.
%%
The hardest tumble one can take is to fall over his own bluff.
%%
Children have more need of models than of critics.
%%
A person who's at the top has the habit of getting to the bottom.
%%
A gentleman is one who never hurts anyone's feelings unintentionally.
%%
The employer generally gets the employees he deserves.
%%
Competition is a sin.
                                -- John D. Rockefeller, Sr.
%%
Handle all business affairs with discretion so you do not end up a
loser.
%%
Aggressiveness in worldly affairs or business will benefit your purse.
%%
Someday there is going to be a book about a middle aged man with a good
job, a beautiful wife and two lovely children who still manages to be
happy.
                                -- Bill Vaughan
%%
Having plenty of life insurance would be more enjoyable if we could
somehow be our own beneficiaries.
                                -- Jim Feibig
%%
It would be nice if the Food and Drug Administration stopped issuing
warnings about toxic substances and just gave me the names of one or two
things still safe to eat.
                                -- Robert Fuoss
%%
Someday, perhaps, a state or city will pass up the names of famous
people and name new facilities "Taxpayer Stadium."
                                -- Bill Vaughan
%%
This is one year we'd love to bo on the mailing list to get a long
Christmas letter from Miss Lillian explaining what her family's been up
to.
                                -- William D. Tammeus
%%
One of the advantages of bowling over golf is that you seldom lose a
bowling ball.
                                -- Don Carter
%%
The first thing you learn as a life insurance salesman is never refer to
premiums as the layaway plan.
%%
The first person to say you can't take it with you was undoubtably with
the Internal Revenue Service.
%%
The first example of permanent press was an Egyptian mummy.
                                -- Shelby Friedman
%%
The first person to say talk is cheap was probably not a psychoanalyst.
                                -- Franklin P. Jones
%%
Every year my thermostat goes lower and my oil bills go higher.  It's
like I'm heating in Celsius and paying in Fahrenheit.
%%
The ultimate test of whether you  posses a sense of humor is your
reaction when someone tells you you don't.
                                -- Frank Tyger
%%
Twenty-eight members of a weight-watching club on an outing in Australia
suffered the exquisite embarrassment of having their bus sink up to its
axles in a tarred parking lot.
                                -- Bill Bryson
%%
A bank robber in Los Angeles told the clerk not to give him cash, but to
deposit the money in his checking account.
                                -- Bill Bryson
%%
There's not much chance for kids to work their way though college these
days. One father said that his son took odd jobs all summer "and worked
his way through his registration fee."
                                -- Armand Cirilli
%%
A good question is never answered.  It is not a bolt to be tightened
into place but a seed to be planted and to bear more seed toward the
hope of greening the landscape of idea.
                                -- John Ciardi
%%
There is a feeling among sailors that borders on fatalism.  It is born
of the belief that a ship can never get lost.  When you run out of
water, you always run into land.  It may not be the right land; but
then, if it were, America would still be undiscovered.
                                -- Robert E. Mirvish
%%
Many times we will get more and better ideas in two hours of creative
loafing than in eight hours at a desk.
                                -- Wilferd A. Peterson
%%
There are three great questions which in life we have over and over
again to answer:  Is it right or wrong?  Is it true or false?  Is it
beautiful or ugly?  Our education ought ot help us to answer these
questions.
                                -- John Lubbock
%%
The mind of the bigot is like the pupil of the eye.  The more light you
pour upon it, the more it will contract.
                                -- Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes
%%
We are reaching the stage where the problems we must solve are going to
become insoluble without computers.  I do not fear computers.  I fear
the lack of them.
                                -- Isaac Azimov
%%
A great symphony orchestra should be savored like cognac.  Lift the
filled glass to the light.  Admire the amber hue.  Swirl.  Sniff.  Then
set it down and talk about it for half an hour.
                                -- Antal Dorati
%%
No steam or gas ever drives abything until it is confined.  No Niagara
is ever turned into light and power until it is tunneled.  No life ever
grows until it is focused, dedicated, disciplined.
                                -- Harry Emerson Fosdick
%%
The trouble with giving advice is that people want to repay you.
                                -- James Dent
%%
Football coach to reporters:  I said before the season began that we
would be the team to beat this year -- and sure enough, everybody beat
us.
                                -- Lichty & Wagner
%%
Bank employee to depositor:  Let me assure you that to us here at First
National, you're not just a number.  You're two numbers, a dash, three
more numbers, another dash and another number.
                                -- James Estes
%%
Overheard:  No, honey, I don't want to learn how to run the washing
machine. I'm sorry I learned how to run the dishwasher.
                                -- Andrew Mason
%%
The best gift of all: the presence of a happy family wrapped up in one
another.
%%
You must have been warned about letting the golden hours slip by; but
some of them are golden only because we let them slip by.
                                -- James M. Barrie
%%
No one has yet programmed a computer to be of two minds about a hard
problem or to burst out laughing.
                                -- Lewis Thomas
%%
The average man is more interested in a woman who is interested in him
than he is in a woman -- any woman -- with beautiful legs.
                                -- Marlene Dietrich
%%
There is no abstract art.  You must always start with something.
Afterward you can remove all traces of reality.
                                -- Pablo Picasso
%%
If my mind can conceive it, and my heart can believe it, I know I can
achieve it.
                                -- The Rev. Jesse Jackson
%%
It is easier to accept the message of the stars than the message of the
salt desert.  The start speak of man's insignificance in the long
eternity of time; the deserts speak of his insignificance right now.
                                -- Edwin Way Teal
%%
A strong conviction that something must be done is the parent of many
bad measures.
                                -- Daniel Webster
%%
You can't turn back the clock.  But you can wind it up again.
                                -- Bonnie Prudden
%%
The rule on staying alive as a forcaster is to give 'em a number or give
'em a date, but never give 'em both at once.
                                -- Jane Bryant Quinn
%%
Macho does not prove mucho.
                                -- Zsa Zsa Gabor
%%
The cure for boredom is curiosity.  There is no cure for curiosity.
                                -- Ellen Parr
%%
Life is short and we never have enough time for galddening the hearts of
those who travel the way with us.  Oh, be swift to love!  Make haste to
be kind.
                                -- Henri Frederic Amiel
%%
But better to follow the shadow of the best than to remain content with
the worst.
%%
I asked my caddy for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later
with a ham on rye.
                                -- Chi Chi Rodriguez
%%
Who so e'er shall pull the sword from this stone shall rightwise be king
of all England.
                                -- a rock
%%
What is the point of building a bridge that won't last?
%%
It costs more to buy the average new car in the United States today than
it cost Christopher Columbus to equip and undertake his maiden voyage to
the new world.
%%
The Wright brothers' first flight at Kitty Hawk, N. C., covered about
100 feet. Now some planes are twice that long.
%%
In 1930, a three minute phone call from New York to San Francisco cost
$8.75, and we could send 437 first class letters the same distance for
the same amount of money.  Today we can make the same daytime phone call
for $1.40. But we can only send nine first class letters for that
amount.
%%
If they can make penicillin out of moldy bread, they can sure make
something out of you.
                                -- Muhammad Ali
%%
You know you have a small apartment when flies must file a flight plan.
                                -- S. Rickly Christian
%%
You know you have a small apartment when you can answer the telephone
from the bed, the kitchen table, the sink or the shower.
                                -- S. Rickly Christian
%%
You know you have a small apartment when you crack your knuckles and the
window rattles.
                                -- S. Rickly Christian
%%
You know you have a small apartment when your wall-to-wall carpet is a
welcome mat.
                                -- S. Rickly Christian
%%
You know you have a small apartment when Rice Krispies echo.
                                -- S. Rickly Christian
%%
You know you have a small apartment when you can have breakfast in bed
without getting up to fix it.
                                -- S. Rickly Christian
%%
You know you have a small apartment when one is company and two is a
crowd.
                                -- S. Rickly Christian
%%
The only time he'll pick up a check is if it's made out to him.
                                -- Joey Adams
%%
The sexual revolution is here and I'm out of ammunition.
                                -- Jim Backus
%%
I've known him as a man, as an adolescent and as a child -- sometimes on
the same day.
%%
My economic philosophy is middle of the road.  I spend money left and
right.
%%
He always wears a red carnation in his buttonhole.  He's trying to find
himself.
                                -- Jerbert C. Schuman
%%
While the public says it wants a good Congressman, it votes for good
politicians.
                                -- Otis Pike
%%
Never close your lips to those to whom you have opened your heart.
                                -- Charles Dickens
%%
Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer and wish we
didn't.
                                -- Erica Mann Jong
%%
Although today there are many trial marriages, there is no such thing as
a trial child.
                                -- Gary Wills
%%
An "acceptable level of unemployment" simply means that the government
economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
%%
If necessity is the mother of invention, discontent is the father of
progress.
                                -- David Rockefeller
%%
We can't all be heroes.  Somebody has to sit on the curb and clap as
they go by.
                                -- Will Rogers
%%
The biggest thing college prepares young people for is the knowledge of
what it's like to be broke.
                                -- Jim Fiebig
%%
Do not believe those persons who say they have never been jealous.  What
they mean is that they have never been in love.
                                -- Gerald Brenan
%%
It is by logic that we prove, but by intuition that we discover.
                                -- Henri Poincare
%%
Men trifle with their business and their politics, but they never trifle
with their games.
                                -- George Bernard Shaw
%%
Praise is like champagne; it should be served while it is still
bubbling.
%%
He who has health has hope, and he who has hope has everything.
%%
While it may be true that a watched pot never boils, the one you don't
keep an eye on can make an awful mess of your stove.
                                -- Edward Stevenson
%%
Electric clocks aren't entirely useless when the power goes off.  They
tell you exactly when it happened.
                                -- Jane Goodsell
%%
The full impact of parenthood doesn't hit you until you multiply the
number of your kids by 32 teeth.
%%
Nothing keeps a family together like having one car in the shop.
                                -- Gene Brown
%%
The clothes you don't like are the most durable you have bought.
                                -- Sydney J. Harris
%%
If your dog thinks you're the greatest person in the world, don't seek a
second opinion.
                                -- Jim Fiebig
%%
Did you hear about the nuclear scientist who swallowed uranium and got
atomic ache?
                                -- Shelby Friedman
%%
I spent $400 for my kid to learn karate.  Now he tells me to eat my
vegetables.
                                -- Rodney Dangerfield
%%
Economists can certainly disappoint you.  One said that the economy
would turn up by the last quarter.  Well, I'm down to mine and it
hasn't.
                                -- Robert Orben
%%
I'm cursed with a lousy disposition.  It belongs to my boss.
                                -- Bill Leary
%%
The easiest way to keep a secret is not knowing what it is.
                                -- Franklin P. Jones
%%
One way to make your old car run better is to look up the price of a new
model.
%%
The happiest ending in the movies is when the guy next to you finally
finishes his popcorn.
                                -- Bobby Vinton
%%
Movies keep getting more explicit; these days a "family film" is likely
to show you how to start one.
                                -- Sandy Teller
%%
One woman said she still cries at movies -- especially when she pays $4
to see a dull one.
                                -- Earl Wilson
%%
With Scotch the price it is, I can hardly brace myself to order a double
until I've had one.
%%
Here lies Lester Moore.  Four slugs from a . 44, no Les, no more.
%%
Oh, I don't blame Congress.  If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd
be irresponsible, too.
                                -- Lichty & Wagner
%%
If you wish to travel back in time, music is the surest and most gentle
of all roads.
                                -- Jim Fiebig
%%
A little flattery will support a man through great fatigue.
                                -- James Monroe
%%
Unknowingly, we plow the dust of stars, blown about us by the wind, and
drink the universe in a glass of rain.
                                -- Ihab Hassan
%%
Come good times or bad, there's always a market for things nobody needs.
                                -- Kin Hubbard
%%
Success without honor is an unseasoned dish; it will satisfy your
hunger, but it won't taste good.
                                -- Joe Paterno
%%
Dead puppies aren't much fun.
%%
Foreign relations are like human relations.  They are endless.  The
solution of one problem usually leads to another.
                                -- James Reston
%%
There's one thing worse than being alone: wishing you were.
                                -- Bob Steele
%%
It is a great mistake for men to give up payint compliments, for when
they give up saying what is charming, they give up thinking what is
charming.
                                -- Oscar Wilde
%%
Almost no one is foolish enough to imagine that he automatically
deserves great success in any field of activity; yet almost everyone
believes that he automatically deserves success in marriage.
                                -- Sydney J. Harris
%%
Retirement should be based on the tread, not on the mileage.
%%
When things don't go well they like to blame Presidents; and that's
something that Presidents are paid for.
                                -- John F. Kennedy
%%
The world cannot always understand a person's profession of faith, but
it can understand service.
                                -- Ian Maclaren
%%
The feeling of being hurried is not usually the result of living a full
life and having no time.  It is, rather, born of a vague fear that we
are wasting our life.
                                -- Eric Hoffer
%%
Rose-colored glasses are never made in bifocals.  Nobody wants to read
the small print in dreams.
                                -- Ann Landers
%%
Cross a salmon with a feather and you'll get a fish that's tickled pink.
                                -- Ruth Fisher
%%
Cross a mink with an octopus and you'll get a coat of arms.
                                -- Lawrence Wasser
%%
Cross a supermarket with a jungle and you'll get checkout lions.
                                -- Richard Ianelli
%%
Cross a centipede with a parrot and you'll get a walkie-talkie.
%%
Cross a lemon with a deer and you'll get a sour doe.
                                -- R. J. Murphy
%%
UNIX:  An operating system only a mother could love.
                                -- Paul Beck
%%
If you're going to do it wrong again, you might as well do it wrong with
me.
%%
I ain't no frognamer, I'm an n gin ear.
                                -- The john painter
%%
Just follow the money in a political campaign and you'll follow the
power.
%%
Communist paradises have this pecularity, that people don't want to live
in
%%
them.
                                -- Brian Crozier
%%
  A robot was just as inane
  As men in misjudging a jane.
    He cared not a pin
    For virtues within,
  But peripherals drove him insane.
                                -- G. A. Mason
%%
  An air traffic robot named Speigal
  Brought down an American eagle,
    A perfectly darling
    Little brown starling,
  And Jonathon Livingston Seagul.
                                -- G. A. Mason
%%
  A robot who cleaned up a flat
  Was perfectly programmed for that,
    And washed every dish
    That a lady might wish -
  But vacuumed up poodle and cat.
                                -- G. A. Mason
%%
The business of America is business.
                                -- Calvin Coolidge
%%
The man who builds a factory builds a temple; the man who works there,
worships there.
                                -- Calvin Coolidge
%%
He who is ignorant of what happened before his birth is always a child.
                                -- Cicero
%%
How many divisions does the Pope have?
                                -- Josef Stalin
%%
You will always find some Eskimos ready to instruct the Congolese on how
to cope with heat waves.
                                -- S. J. Lec
%%
Everybody into the underbrush, here they come!
                                -- Dave Pierson
%%
When you're 10 points behind and the polls open in a few hours, there's
not a hell of a lot you can do.
                                -- Jody Powell
%%
Old bureaucrats never die, they just waste away.
%%
If a government were put in charge of the Sahara Desert, within five
years, they'd have a shortage of sand.
                                -- Milton Friedman
%%
There are few creative forces in the Law, because it is, by nature,
rooted in the past.
                                -- William O. Douglas
%%
Nobody with the intelligence to understand something with four thousand
moving parts will ever become an auto mechanic.
                                -- Charlie Kozak
%%
Look, we play the Star Spangled Banner before every game.  You want us
to pay income taxes, too?
                                -- Bill Veeck, Chicago White Sox
%%
Of what you see in books, believe 75%.  Of newspapers, believe 50%. And
of TV news, believe 25% -- make that 5% if the anchorman wears a blazer.
%%
Who so e'er shall pull the sword from this stone shall rightwise be king
of all England.
                                -- A rock
%%
186,000 miles per second: it's not just a good idea, it's the law.
%%
A bird in the hand makes it awfully hard to blow your nose.
%%
A bird in the hand might.
%%
A committee is an animal with a hundred stomachs and no brains.
%%
A cow eats without a knife.
%%
A friend asks only for your time, not your money.
%%
A gift of flowers will soon be made to you.
%%
A guy has to get fresh once in a while so the girl doesn't lose her
confidence.
%%
A king's castle is his home.
%%
A lie in time saves nine.
%%
A little virtue will never hurt you.
                                -- Piet Hein.
%%
A lost ounce of gold may be found, a lost moment of time never.
%%
A man who turns green has eschewed protein.
%%
A member of your family will soon do something that will make you proud.
%%
A plucked goose doesn't lay golden eggs.
%%
A present, over which you will shed tears of joy.
%%
A stitch in time saves nine.
%%
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a Unicorn.
%%
A virtuous life is its own punisment.
%%
A vivid and creative mind characterizes you.
%%
A wise man can see more from a mountain top than a fool can from the
bottom of a well.
%%
Age before beauty, and pearls before swine.
%%
Ain't no horse can't be rode; ain't no cowboy can't be throwed.
%%
Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth.
%%
All the troubles you have will pass away very quickly.
%%
Although the moon is smaller than the earth, it is farther away.
%%
Among the lucky, you are the chosen one.
%%
An abstract term is like a valise with a false bottom, you may put in it
what ideas you please, and take them out again, without being observed.
%%
An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.
%%
Anything is impossible, if you don't attempt it.
%%
Art is anything you can get away with.
                                -- Marshall McLuhan.
%%
Art is your fate; don't debate.
%%
As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error.
%%
As scarce as truth is, the supply has always been in excess of demand.
%%
Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance.
%%
Be self-reliant and your success is assured.
%%
Be tactful; overlook not your own opportunity.
%%
Beauty and harmony are as necessary to you as the very breath of life.
%%
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone.
%%
Beauty seldom recommends one woman to another.
%%
Bedfellows make strange politicians.
%%
Behind every argument is someone's ignorance.
%%
Better to use medicines at the outset than at the last moment.
%%
Beware of friends who are false and deceitful.
%%
Beware of quantum ducks: Quark, Quark.
%%
Blessed is he that expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.
                                -- Poor Richard.
%%
Build something that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to
use it.
                                -- C. Shaw.
%%
Business is like oil, it won't mix with anything but business.
%%
By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.
%%
By following the good, you learn to be good.
%%
Candy is dandy, but liquour is quicker.
                                -- Ogden Nash.
%%
Cheap things are of no value, valuable things are not cheap.
%%
Chicken Little only has to be right once.
%%
Common sense is very uncommon.
%%
Contact with a friend may provide some unexpected income advantages.
%%
Conversation enriches the understanding, but solitude is the school of
genius.
%%
Courage is your greatest present need.
%%
Creditors have much better memories than debtors.
%%
Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
%%
Deprive a mirror of its silver and even the Czar won't see his face.
%%
Do not clog intellect's sluices with knowledge of questionable uses.
%%
Don't be overly suspicious where it's not warranted.
%%
Don't believe in miracles, expect them.
%%
Don't get yourself involved with persons or situations that can't bear
inspection.
%%
Don't look back, always look ahead.
%%
Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac, you can always take something for
it.
%%
Draw your salary before spending it.
%%
Economy makes men independent.
%%
Enjoy your life; be pleasant and gay, like the birds in May.
%%
Even a hawk is an eagle among crows.
%%
Even the boldest zebra fears the hungry lion.
%%
Even the smallest candle burns brighter in the dark.
%%
Every purchase has its price.
%%
Everyone complains of his memory, no one of his judgment.
%%
Everything bows to success, even grammar.
%%
Executive ability is prominent in your make-up.
%%
Expect a letter from a friend who will ask a favor of you.
%%
Experience keeps a dear school, but fools will learn in no other.
  And scarce in that.
                                -- Poor Richard.
%%
Faith goes out through the window when beauty comes in at the door.
%%
Far duller than a serpent's tooth it is to spend a quiet youth.
%%
Fish and visitors stink in three days.
                                -- Poor Richard.
%%
Fools make feasts and wise men eat them.
                                -- Poor Richard.
%%
For people who like that kind of book, that is the kind of book they
will like.
%%
For success today, look first to yourself.
%%
Fortune truly helps those who are of good judgment.
%%
Friendship is one soul in two bodies.
%%
From listening comes wisdom and from speaking repentance.
%%
Generosity and perfection are your everlasting goals.
%%
Go not to the elves for advice, for they will say both yes and no.
                                -- Tolkien
%%
God gives us relatives; thank God we can chose our friends.
%%
God heals and the doctor takes the fee.
                                -- Poor Richard.
%%
God is REAL (unless declared INTEGER).
%%
God made an idiot for practice, and then He made a school board.
                                -- Mark Twain.
%%
Good health will be yours for a long time.
%%
Good news from afar can bring you a welcome visitor.
%%
Handle all business ventures with discretion so you do not end up a
loser.
%%
Happiness is just an illusion, filled with sadness and confusion.
%%
He is no lawyer who cannot take two sides.
%%
He is truly wise who gains wisdom from another's mishap.
%%
He likes to flirt, but toward you his intentions are honorable.
%%
He that falls in love with himself, will have no rivals.
                                -- Poor Richard.
%%
He that will not command his thoughts will soon lose the command of his
actions.
%%
He thinks he could easily win your heart.
%%
He walks as if balancing the family tree on his nose.
%%
He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with two eyes.
%%
He who has a shady past knows that nice guys finish last.
%%
He who has imagination without learning has wings but no feet.
%%
He who invents adages for others to peruse takes along a rowboat when
going on a cruise.
%%
He who is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else.
%%
He who laughs last didn't understand the joke.
%%
He who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is not fit for the
kingdom of winners.
%%
Help fight continental drift.
%%
Here comes the orator, with his flood of words and his drop of reason.
%%
His heart was yours from the first moment that you met.
%%
His life was formal; his actions seemed ruled with a ruler.
%%
History always repeats itself: once as tragedy, the second time as
farce.
%%
History books which contain no lies are extremely dull.
%%
How many "coming men" has one known!  Where on earth do they all go to?
%%
How sharper than a hound's tooth it is to have a thankless serpent.
%%
How you look depends on where you go.
%%
Hunger never saw bad bread.
                                -- Poor Richard.
%%
I despise the pleasure of pleasing people whom I despise.
%%
I don't remember ever having had the itch, and yet scratching is one of
nature's sweet pleasures, and so handy.
%%
I fear explanations explanatory of things explained.
%%
I like work; it fascinates me; I can watch it for hours.
%%
I never fail to convince an audience that the best thing they could do
was to go away.
%%
I've given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself.
%%
Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like
solitary confinement.
%%
Idleness is the holiday of fools.
%%
If a town has one lawyer, he starves; if it has two lawyers, they both
get rich.
%%
If at first you don't succeed, you're doing about average.
%%
If it pours before seven, it has rained by eleven.
%%
If one studies too zealously, one easily loses his pants.
                                -- A. Einstein.
%%
If one word does not succeed, ten thousand are of no avail.
%%
If some people didn't tell you, you'd never know they'd been away on
vacation.
%%
If we weren't supposed to juggle, tennis balls wouldn't come three to a
can.
%%
If you always postpone pleasure you will never have it.  Quit work and
play for once.
%%
If you believe in gambling, in the end you will sell your house.
%%
If you continually give you will continually have.
%%
If you eat a live toad every morning, nothing worse will happen to you
all day.
%%
If you make a mistake you right it immediately to the best of your
ability.
%%
If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you
really make them think they'll hate you.
%%
If you must choose between the lesser of two evils, choose the one
you've never tried before.
%%
If you suspect a man, don't employ him.
%%
If you wish to succeed, consult three old people.
%%
If you wish, you will have an opportunity.
%%
If you would keep a secret from an enemy, tell it not to a friend.
%%
If your desires are not extravagant they will be granted.
%%
Imagination is more important than knowledge.
%%
In jealousy there is more self-love than love.
%%
In rivers and bad governments, the lightest things swim at top.
                                -- Poor Richard.
%%
In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is insane.
%%
Integrity is praised, and starves.
%%
It is Fortune, not wisdom that rules man's life.
%%
It is a poor judge who cannot award a prize.
%%
It is better to have flunked your Wasserman test than never to have
loved at all.
%%
It is better to wear out than to rust out.
%%
It is commonly not your practice to make up your mind until the very
last minute.
%%
It is easier to run down a hill than up one.
%%
It is far better to be deceived than to be undeceived by those we love.
%%
It is fortune, not wisdom that rules man's life.
%%
It is often better not to see an insult than to avenge it.
%%
It is the wise bird who builds his nest in a tree.
%%
It is unwise to trust those you do not know well.
%%
It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the
flag.
%%
It takes both a weapon, and two people, to commit a murder.
%%
It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.
%%
It's a poor workman who blames his tools.
%%
It's clever, but is it art?
%%
It's easy to make decisions if you ignore the facts.
%%
It's not reality that's important, but how you perceive things.
%%
It's sweet to be remembered, but it's often cheaper to be forgotten.
%%
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
                                -- Poor Richard.
%%
Learn of the skillful:  he that teaches himself hath a fool for a
master.
                                -- Poor Richard.
%%
Lend money to a bad debtor and he will hate you.
%%
Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage.
%%
Let he who takes the plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
%%
Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
%%
Let's just be friends and make no special effort to ever see each other
again.
%%
Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer, then you find
there is nothing in it.
%%
Life is to you a dashing and bold adventure.
%%
Like winter snow on summer lawn, time past is time gone.
%%
Lonely is a man without love.
%%
Lonely men seek companionship.  Lonely women sit at home and wait.  They
never meet.
%%
Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea.
%%
Love is in the offing.  Be affectionate to one who adores you.
%%
Love is sentimental measles.
%%
Love the sea? I dote upon it -- from the beach.
%%
Love, cough, and a smoke, can't be well hid.
                                -- Poor Richard.
%%
Make a wish, it might come true.
%%
Make new friends but keep the old ones;  One is silver and the other's
gold.
%%
Make this evening a memorable one.
%%
Man and wife make one fool.
%%
Man's horizons are bounded by his vision.
%%
Many a family tree needs trimming.
%%
Many changes of mind and mood; do not hesitate too long.
%%
Many pages make a thick book, except for pocket bibles which are on very
very thin paper.
%%
Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.
                                -- Voltaire
%%
Massachusetts has the best politicians money can buy.
%%
Matrimony is the root of all evil.
%%
Men do not mind a bust in the mouth if provided by beautiful voluptuous
lady!
%%
Men seldom show dimples to girls who have pimples.
%%
Might as well be frank, monsieur; it would take a miracle to get you out
of Casablanca.
%%
Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate.
%%
Mistakes are oft the stepping stones to failure.
%%
Money cannot buy love, nor even friendship.
%%
Money will say more in one moment than the most eloquent lover can in
years.
%%
Mother is the invention of necessity.
%%
My cup hath runneth'd over with love.
%%
My interest is in the future because I am going to spend the rest of my
life there.
%%
Neither the poor nor the rich may sleep under bridges or beg in the
streets.
%%
Never call a man a fool; borrow from him.
%%
Never do anything twice that you don't have to do at all.
%%
Never drink from your finger bowl -- it contains only water.
%%
Never say you know a man until you have divided an inheritance with him.
%%
New financial propositions may be offered at the turn of the year.
%%
Nice guys get sick.
%%
Night falls when the street lights turn on.  Swedish Law.
%%
No doubt Jack the Ripper excused himself on the grounds that it was
human nature.
%%
No man can be a patriot on an empty stomach.
%%
No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.
%%
Nobody can be as agreeable as an uninvited guest.
%%
Occasionally, an innocent man is sent to the legislature.
%%
Of all forms of caution, caution in love is the most fatal.
%%
Often statistics are used as a drunken man uses lampposts -- for support
rather than illumination.
%%
Old men are fond of giving good advice to console themselves for their
inability to give bad examples.
%%
One family builds a wall, two families enjoy it.
%%
One man tells a falsehood, a hundred repeat it as true.
%%
One peek is worth a thousand finesses.
%%
Only someone with nothing to be sorry for smiles back at the rear of an
elephant.
%%
Ours is a world where people don't know what they want and are willing
to go through hell to get it.
%%
People who have no faults are terrible; there is no way of taking
advantage of them.
%%
People who take cat naps don't usually sleep in a cat's cradle.
%%
People will buy anything that's one to a customer.
%%
People will laugh at you, but let not that prevent you.
%%
Please all, and you will please none.
%%
Please follow more cautiously Life's Golden Rule.
%%
Premature withdrawal may lead to loss of interest.
%%
Preserve the old, but know the new.
%%
Pride dines upon Vanity, sups on Contempt.  Poor Richard.
%%
Pride invites calamity; humility reaps its harvest.
%%
Promptness is its own reward, if one lives by the clock instead of the
sword.
%%
Publishing a volume of verse is like dropping a rose petal down the
Grand Canyon and waiting for the echo.
%%
Put not your trust in money, but put your money in trust.
%%
Put your brain in gear before starting your mouth.
%%
Put your trust in those who are worthy.
%%
Recent investments will yield a slight profit.
%%
Reputation:  what others are not thinking about you.
%%
Revenge is a dish best eaten cold.
%%
Satire does not look pretty upon a tombstone.
%%
Satire is what closes in New Haven.
%%
Seek companionship, love and social activity at home.
%%
Seek domestic happiness and faithful friends.
%%
Sex is nothing but Love misunderstood.
%%
Share your happiness with others today.
%%
She that paints her face thinks of her tail.
                                -- Poor Richard.
%%
She's learned to say things with her eyes that others waste time putting
into words.
%%
Show your affection, which will probably meet with pleasant response.
%%
Simplicity and clarity should be your theme in dress.
%%
Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all.
%%
Smile, you're on candid cookie.
%%
Some men are discovered; others are found out.
%%
Some rise by sin and some by virtue fall.
%%
Someone is speaking well of you.
%%
Someone is unenthusiastic about your work.
%%
Someone whom you reject today, will reject you tomorrow.
%%
Stop day dreaming about success. Go out and obtain it.
%%
Stop searching forever. Happiness is just next to you.
%%
Stop searching forever. Happiness is unattainable.
%%
Stupidity is not an impeachable offense.
%%
Take advantage of the pleasurable opportunities that come your way.
%%
Take care of the luxuries and the necessities will take care of
themselves.
%%
That must be wonderful!  I don't understand it at all.
%%
The actions of your companion or close allies will help you to make an
important decision.
%%
The attacker must vanquish; the defender need only survive.
%%
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains because the
average man can see better than he can think.
%%
The best laid schemes o' mice and men gang aft a-glay.
%%
The best prophet of the future is the past.
%%
The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away.
%%
The brave man is known only in war; the wise man in anger; the friend in
time of need.
%%
The days just prior to marriage are like a snappy introduction to a
tedious book.
%%
The early bird gets the early worm.
%%
The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my
tongue.
%%
The fish that escaped is the big one.
%%
The gent who wakes up and finds himself a success hasn't been asleep.
%%
The grand leap of the whale up the Fall of Niagra is esteemed, by all
who have seen it, as one of the finast spectacles in nature.
                                -- B. Franklin
%%
The hardest thing is to disguise your feelings when you put a lot of
relatives on the train for home.
%%
The heart is wiser than the intellect.
%%
The interesting thing about a waltzing bear is not how well it dances.
%%
The light of a hundred stars does not equal the light of the moon.
%%
The luck that is ordained for you will be coveted by others.
%%
The minute a man is convinced that he is interesting, he isn't.
%%
The moving finger writhes and, having writhed, moves on.
%%
The next sentence is true.  The previous sentence is false.
%%
The next dreadful thing to a battle lost is a battle won.
%%
The only rose without thorns is friendship.
%%
The order and connection of ideas is the same as the order and
connection of things.
%%
The person you rejected yesterday could make you happy, if you say yes.
%%
The plural of spouse is spice.
%%
The rich get rich, and the poor get poorer.  The haves get more, the
have-nots die.
%%
The rich get richer; the poor get babies.
%%
The star of riches is shining upon you.
%%
The time is right to make new friends.
%%
The time is right to pursue your endeavors.
%%
The universe is laughing behind your back.
%%
The value of knowledge lies not in its accumulation, but in its
utilization.
%%
The weed of crime bears bitter fruit.
%%
The wise shepherd never trusts his flock to a smiling wolf.
%%
The worst wheel of the cart makes the most noise.  Poor Richard.
%%
There are few people more often in the wrong than those who cannot
endure to be thought so.
%%
There are many people today who literally do not have a close personal
friend.
%%
There are more old drunkards than old doctors.
%%
There are more ways of killing a cat than choking her with cream.
%%
There are no ugly loves, nor handsome prisons.
                                -- Poor Richard.
%%
There are three things I have always loved and never understood -- art,
music, and women.
%%
There is always someone worse off than yourself.
%%
There is many a good man to be found under a shabby hat.
%%
There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear.
%%
There is no vaccine against stupidity.
%%
There will always be some delightful mysteries in your life.
%%
There will be big changes for you but you will be happy.
%%
There's at least one fool in every married couple.
%%
There's so much to say but your eyes keep interrupting me.
%%
Think twice before speaking. But don't say "think think click click".
%%
Those of you who think you know everything are annoying those of us who
do.
%%
Those who are prospering do not argue about taxes.
%%
Those who can, do; those who can't, teach; and those who can't teach,
teach teachers.
%%
To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved.
%%
To criticize the incompetent is easy; it is more difficult to criticize
the competent.
%%
To every Phd. there is an equal and opposite Phd.
                                -- B. Duggan
%%
To give happines is to deserve happiness.
%%
To keep your friends treat them kindly; to kill them, treat them often.
%%
To laugh at men of sense is the privilege of fools.
%%
To profit from good advice requires more wisdom than to give it.
%%
To refuse praise is to seek praise twice.
%%
To save a single life is better than to build a seven story pagoda.
%%
Today is a good day to bribe a high ranking public official.
%%
Traveler, there is no path, paths are made by walking.
%%
True happiness will be found only in true love.
%%
Trust him, but still keep your eyes open.
%%
Try to divide your time evenly to keep others happy.
%%
Try to value useful qualities in one who loves you.
%%
Valuable insights and your persuasive ability achieve results.
%%
Watch out for the old mortar in the rocks in the fourteenth hole trick.
%%
We prefer to speak evil of ourselves than not speak of ourselves at all.
%%
We promise according to our hopes, and perform according to our fears.
%%
We read to say that we have read.
%%
Wealth is not his that has it, but his that enjoys it.
                                -- Poor Richard.
%%
Wed in haste, repent in leasure.
%%
What makes us so bitter against people who outwit us is that they think
themselves cleverer than we are.
%%
What no spouse of a writer can ever understand is that a writer is
working when he's staring out the window.
%%
What orators lack in depth they make up in length.
%%
What passes for woman's intuition is often nothing more than man's
transparency.
%%
What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent bagel.
%%
When God endowed human beings with brains, He did not intend to
guarantee them.
%%
When the wind is great, bow before it; when the wind is heavy, yield to
it.
%%
When there's marriage without love, there will be love without marriage.
                                -- Poor Richard.
%%
When you become used to never being alone, you may consider yourself
Americanized.
%%
When you go out to buy, don't show your silver.
%%
Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.
%%
Who knows a fool, must know his brother; for one will recommend another.
                                -- Poor Richard.
%%
Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of movement unless it was to
avoid responsibility?
%%
Wisdom and good sense guard life from harm.
%%
With a mind like yours, who needs a body.
%%
With clothes the new are best, with friends the old are best.
%%
Without fools there would be no wisdom.
%%
Without health you cannot enjoy wealth or happiness.
%%
Woman was God's second mistake.
                                -- Nietzsche.
%%
Words are the voice of the heart.
%%
Words must be weighed, not counted.
%%
Worth seeing?  Yes, but not worth going to see.
%%
You are a bundle of energy always on the go.
%%
You are a general favorite among your many friends.
%%
You are a person of firm, yet honest intentions.
%%
You are always busy.
%%
You are an individual interested in foreward thrust and the future.
%%
You are broad minded and socially active.
%%
You are capable of planning your future.
%%
You are careful and systematic in your business arrangements.
%%
You are clever, alert, and intellectual.
%%
You are deeply attached to your friends and acquaintances.
%%
You are dishonest, but never to the point of hurting a friend.
%%
You are fairminded, just and loving.
%%
You are faithful to duty, adaptable to environment, loyal to friends.
%%
You are farsighted, a good planner, an ardent lover, and a faithful
friend.
%%
You are fixed in your opinions and will not be easily moved from your
purpose.
%%
You are generous and always think of the other fellow.
%%
You are going to have a new love affair.
%%
You are heading for a land of sunshine.
%%
You are in a maze of twisty little passages, all alike.
%%
You are interested in higher education whether material or spiritual.
%%
You are magnetic in your bearing.
%%
You are never selfish with your advice or your help.
%%
You are next in line for promotion in your firm.
%%
You are scrupulously honest, frank, and straightforward.
%%
You are secretive in your dealings but never to the extent of trickery.
%%
You are standing on my toes.
%%
You are the center of every group's attention.
%%
You are tricky, but never to the point of dishonesty.
%%
You are versatile, energetic, artistic and good-natured.
%%
You are witty and fond of fun.
%%
You attempt things that you do not even plan because of your extreme
stupidity.
%%
You can do very well in speculation where land or anything to do with
earth is concerned.
%%
You can get more done with a kind word and a gun, than with a kind word
alone.
                                -- Al Capone.
%%
You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
%%
You cannot propel youself forward by patting yourself on the back.
%%
You display the wonderful traits of charm and courtesy.
%%
You enjoy the company of other people.
%%
You have a deep appreciation of the arts and music.
%%
You have a deep interest in all that is artistic.
%%
You have a reputation for being thoroughly reliable and trustworthy.
%%
You have a strong appeal for members of the opposite sex.
%%
You have a strong desire for a home and your family interests come
first.
%%
You have a truly strong individuality.
%%
You have a will that can be influenced by all with whom you come in
contact.
%%
You have a yearning for perfection.
%%
You have an ability to sense and know higher truth.
%%
You have an ambitious nature and may make a name for yourself.
%%
You have an unusual equipment for success.  Be sure to use it properly.
%%
You have an unusual magnetic personality.
%%
You have an unusual understanding of the problems of human relationship.
%%
You have been selected for a secret mission.
%%
You have had a long-term stimulation relative to business.
%%
You have literary talent that you should take pains to develop.
%%
You have many friends and very few enemies.
%%
You have no real enemies.
%%
You have the attitude of a winner.
%%
You have the power to influence all with whom you come in contact.
%%
You like participating in competitive sports.
%%
You like to form new friendships and make new acquaintances.
%%
You love peace.
%%
You love your home and want it to be beautiful.
%%
You may attend a party where strange customs prevail.
%%
You may be conservative, cautious and practical.
%%
You may give a man an office, but you cannot give him discretion.
                                -- Poor Richard.
%%
You must be patient for a little while.
%%
You need not worry about your future.
%%
You never hesitate to tackle the most difficult problems.
%%
You plan things that you do not even attempt because of your extreme
caution.
%%
You prefer the company of the opposite sex, but are well liked by your
own.
%%
You recoil from the crude; you tend naturally toward the exquisite.
%%
You seek to shield those you love and you like the role of the provider.
%%
You shall be rewarded for a dastardly deed.
%%
You understand human nature and sympathize with its weakness.
%%
You will always be successful in your business or professional career.
%%
You will always get what you want through your charm and personality.
%%
You will always have good luck in your personal affairs.
%%
You will attract cultured and artistic people to your home.
%%
You will be a great success both in the business world and society.
%%
You will be a guest at a happy party that'll have important consequences
for you.
%%
You will be aided greatly by a person whom you thought to be
unimportant.
%%
You will be awarded a medal for disregarding safety in saving someone.
%%
You will be awarded some great honor.
%%
You will be called upon to help a friend in trouble.
%%
You will be given a post of trust and responsibility.
%%
You will be honored for contributing your time and skill to a worthy
cause.
%%
You will be made happy by receipt of good news.
%%
You will be married within a year.
%%
You will be proud in manner but tolerant and generous.
%%
You will be recognized and honored as a community leader.
%%
You will be singled out for promotion in your work.
%%
You will be successful in love.
%%
You will be successful in your work.
%%
You will be surprised by a loud noise.
%%
You will be surrounded by luxury.
%%
You will be traveling and coming into a fortune.
%%
You will be unusually successful in business.
%%
You will engage in a profitable business activity.
%%
You will engage in a profitable friendship.
%%
You will enjoy the high praise of solving a problem of long standing.
%%
You will gain money by a speculation or lottery.
%%
You will have good luck and overcome many hardships.
%%
You will have long and healthy life.
%%
You will have many friends when you use a corkscrew.
%%
You will hear good news from one you thought unfriendly to you.
%%
You will inherit some money or a small piece of land.
%%
You will marry your present lover and be happy.
%%
You will meet an important person who will help you advance
professionally.
%%
You will never know hunger.
%%
You will overcome the attacks of jealous associates.
%%
You will probably marry after a very brief courtship.
%%
You will receive a legacy which will place you above want.
%%
You will receive a present, over which you will shed tears of joy.
%%
You will secure the greatest degree of happiness if you marry young.
%%
You will soon meet a person who will play an important role in your
life.
%%
You will soon take that long awaited vacation.
%%
You will step on the soil of many countries.
%%
You will triumph over your enemy.
%%
You will visit some faraway land that has long been in your waking
thoughts.
%%
You will win success in whatever calling you adopt.
%%
Your aims are high, and you are capable of much.
%%
Your are the guiding star of his existence.
%%
Your business will assume vast proportions.
%%
Your depth of comprehension may tend to make you lax in worldly ways.
%%
Your domestic life may be harmonious.
%%
Your first impressions of people are best.
%%
Your happiness is intertwined with your outlook on life.
%%
Your heart is pure, and your mind clear, and your soul devout.
%%
Your help will be needed in an embarrassing situation.
%%
Your long forgotten kindness to someone will bring a substantial sum of
money.
%%
Your love life will be happy and harmonious.
%%
Your lover will never wish to leave you.
%%
Your mind understands what you have been taught; your heart, what is
true.
%%
Your mode of life will be changed for the better because of good news
soon.
%%
Your mode of life will be changed for the better because of new
developments.
%%
Your nature demands love and your happiness depends on it.
%%
Your next acquaintance will be the right one.
%%
Your own qualities will help prevent your advancement in the world.
%%
Your place in the path of life is in the driver's seat.
%%
Your present plans will be successful.
%%
Your reasoning powers are good, and you are a fairly good planner.
%%
Your society will be sought by people of taste and refinment.
%%
Your talents will be recognized and suitably rewarded.
%%
Your temporary financial embarassment will be relieved in a surprising
manner.
%%
Youth had been a habit of hers so long that she could not part with it.
%%
People will do tomorrow what they did today because that is what they
did yesterday.
%%
Skeptical scrutiny is the means, in both science and religion, by which
deep insights can be winnowed from deep nonsence.
                                -- Carl Sagan
%%
Without vigorous, farsighted and continuing encouragement of scientific
research, we are in a position of eating our seed corn:  we may fend off
starvation for one more winter, but we have removed the last hope of
surviving the following winter.
                                -- Carl Sagan
%%
As long as there have been humans we have searched for our place in the
cosmos. Where are we?  Who are we? We find that we live on an
insignificant planet of a humdrum star lost in a galaxy tucked away in
some forgotten corner of a universe.  We make our world significant by
the courage of our questions and by the depth of our answers.
                                -- Carl Sagan
%%
I remember being transfixed by the first lander image to show the
horizon of Mars.  This was not an alien world, I thought.  I knew places
like it in Colorado and Arizona and Nevada.  There were rocks and sand
drifts and a distant eminence.  Mars was a place.  I would, of course,
have been surprised to see a grizzled prospector emerge from behind a
dune leading his mule, but at the same time the idea seemed appropriate.
                                -- Carl Sagan
%%
The value of passion, like fire, is judged finally by the amount of
warmth and light it creates.  Fanatics, like forest fires, burn bright
but destroy all in their path that is tender and green.  To be useful,
fire must be confined. To live passionately, we must develop discipline;
to love powerfully, we must forge bonds of commitment.  Passion is
inseparable from compassion.
                                -- Sam Keen
%%
Mohandas K. Gandhi often changed his mind publicly.  An aide once asked
him how he could so freely contradict this week what he had said just
last week.  The great man replied that it was because this week he knew
better.
%%
City people talk of "escape" when they talk of country living.  To me a
cow is reality.  Escape is homogenized, pasteurized milk, delivered to
the back door in a disposable carton.
                                -- Roderick L. Haig-Brown
%%
I want it said of me by those who knew me best, that I always plucked a
thistle and planted a flower where I thought a flower would grow.
                                -- Abraham Lincoln
%%
Ours is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants.  We know more
about war than we know about peace, more about killing than we know
about living.  We have grasped the mystery of the atom and rejected the
Sermon on the Mount.
                                -- General Omar N. Bradley
%%
Trouble is part of your life, and if you don't share it, you don't give
the person who loves you a chance to love you enough.
                                -- Dinah Shore
%%
The dream begins most of the time with a teacher who believes in you,
who tugs and pushes and leads you on to the next plateau, sometimes even
poking you with a sharp stick called truth.
                                -- Dan Rather
%%
I dread success.  To have succeeded is to have finished one's business
on earth, like the male spider who is killed by the female the moment he
has succeeded in courtship.  I like a state of continual becoming, with
a goal in front and not behind.
                                -- George Bernard Shaw
%%
Small children, given a playground, a meadow or a stretch of street,
will at once begin to create a sport based on the relationships of
trees, posts, benches or whatever.  When the code is complete and sides
chosen, woe to the child who makes the aberrant move in the game.  There
are cries of "You can't do that.  It's the rule!"  The odd phrase "It's
the rule," shouted by children all over the world in different
languages, is an impassioned demand for the maintenance of an orderly
world.
                                -- Heywood Hale Broun
%%
It's odd, and a little unsettling, to reflect upon the fact that English
is the only major language in which "I" is capitalized; in many other
languages "You" is capitalized and the "i" is lower case.
                                -- Sydney J. Harris
%%
Any coward can fight a battle when he is sure of winning; but give me
the man who has pluck to fight when he's sure of losing.  That's my way,
sir; and there are many victories worse than a defeat.
                                -- George Eliot
%%
The man who rows the boat seldom has time to rock it.
                                -- Bill Copeland
%%
When one woman was asked how long she had been going to symphony
concerts, she paused to calculate and replied, "Forty-seven years -- and
I find I mind it less and less."
                                -- Louise Andrews Kent
%%
George Washington was first in war, first in peace -- and the first to
have his birthday juggled to make a long weekend.
                                -- Ashley Cooper
%%
  One reason why George Washington
    Is held in such veneration
  He never blamed his problems
    On the former Adminsitration.
                                -- George O. Ludcke
%%
What this country needs is a safety net for people who jump to
conclusions.
                                -- B. M. Smith
%%
What this country needs is a good no-scent cigar.
                                -- William D. Tammeus
%%
What this country needs is a transmission that will shift the blame.
                                -- Louis Ginsberg
%%
What this country needs is a toller hog, for people to live higher off.
                                -- Don Riley
%%
What this country needs is a song for unsung heros.
                                -- Angie Papadakis
%%
What this country needs ia a law that when children grow up and leave
home they have to take their dogs, cats, turtles, snakes and canaries
with them.
                                -- Bill Vaughn
%%
The gift of happiness belongs to those who unwrap it.
                                -- Andrew Dunbar
%%
Actors stand on the side of the camera where the passage of time usually
hurts. Whereas directors stay on the side where it may help.
                                -- Alfred Hitchcock
%%
To heck with marrying a girl who makes biscuits like her mother -- I
want to marry one who makes dough like her father.
%%
She's the kind of woman who lets bygones be 'I told you so's.'
%%
She whines him around her little finger.
%%
I don't understand how the Russians can be so nasty.  Two vodkas, and I
love everybody.
%%
She said she wouldn't keep my company unless I owned it.
%%
She said she would go through anything for me and she wanted to start
with my bank book.
%%
She said she would love me till the end of time.  But then she said my
time was up.
%%
She said I should think of her like a sister.  I said I did, but not my
sister.
%%
I have always been delighted at the prospect of a new day, a fresh try,
one more start, with perhaps a bit of magic waiting somewhere behind the
morning.
                                -- J. B. Priestly
%%
One of the greatest sources of energy is pride in what you are doing.
%%
As a general rule, the most successful man in life is the man who has
the best information.
                                -- Benjamin Disreali
%%
Age appears best in four things:  old wood to burn, old wine to drink,
old friends to trust, and old authors to read.
                                -- Francis Bacon
%%
Fashions fade; style is eternal.
                                -- Yves Saint Laurent
%%
Certain thoughts are prayers.  There are moments when, whatever be the
attitude of the body, the soul is on its knees.
                                -- Victor Hugo
%%
Wit is the salt of conversation, not the food.
                                -- William Hazlitt
%%
In the final analysis, more people depend on solar energy for snow
removal than any other method.
                                -- James Holt McGravran
%%
The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new lands, but in
seeing with new eyes.
                                -- Marcel Proust
%%
Human reason is like a drunken man on horseback; set it up on one side,
and it tumbles over on the other.
                                -- Martin Luther
%%
For many wives, the season to be jolly is between the end of football
and the beginning of baseball.
                                -- A. L. Sheppard
%%
One of the best ways to measure people is to watch the way they behave
when something free is offered.
                                -- Ann Landers
%%
No matter what other nations may say about the United States,
immigration is still the sincerest form of flattery.
%%
This is the true measure of love: when we believe that we alone can
love, that no one could ever have loved so before us, and that no one
will ever love in the same way after us.
                                -- Goethe
%%
It is not from space that I must seek my dignity, but from the
government of my thought.  I shall have no more if I possess worlds.  by
space the universe emcompasses and swallows me up lika an atom; by
thought I comprehend the world.
                                -- Blaise Pascal
%%
The known is finite, the unknown infinite; intellectually we stand on an
islet in the midst of in illimitable ocean of inexplicability.  Our
business in every generation is to relcaim a little more land.
                                -- T. H. Huxley
%%
I am bidden to surrender myself to the Lord of the Worlds.  He is it who
created you of the dust...
                                -- The Koran, Sura 40
%%
The oldest of all philosophies, that of Evolution, was bound hand and
foot and cast into utter darkness during the millennium of theological
scholasticism. But Darwin poured new lifeblood into the acient frame;
the bonds burst, and the revivified thought of ancient Greece has proved
itself to be a more adequate expression of the universal order of things
than any of the schemes which have been accepted by the credulity and
welcomed by the superstition of 70 later generations of men.
                                -- T. H. Huxley
%%
Probably all the organic beings which have ever lived on this earth have
descended from some one primordial form, into which live was first
breathed... There is granduer in this view of life ... that, whilst this
planet has gone cucling on according to the fixed law of gravity, from
so simple a beginning endless forms most beautiful and most wonderful
have been and are being, evolved.
                                -- Charles Darwin
%%
A community of matter appears to exist throughout the visible universe,
for the stars contain many of the elements which exist in the Sun and
Earth.  It is remarkable that the elements most widely diffused through
the host of stars are some of those most closely connected with the
living organisms of our globe, including hydrogen, sodium, magnesium,
and iron.  May it not be that, at least, the brighter stars are like our
Sun, the upholding and energizing centres of systems of worlds, adapted
to be the abode of living beings?
                                -- William Huggins
%%
Do you know the ordinances of the heavens?  Can you establish their rule
on Earth?
                                -- The Book of Job
%%
All welfare and adversity that come to man and other creatures come
through the Seven and the Twelve.  Twelve signs of the Zodiac, as the
Religion says are the twelve commanders on the side of light; and the
seven planets are said to be the seven commanders on the side of
darkness.  And teh seven planets oppress all creation and deliver it
over to death and all manner of evil: for the twelve signs of the Zodiac
and the seven planets rule the fate of the world.
                                -- The Menok i Xrat
%%
To tell us that every species of thing is endowed with an occult
specific quality by which it acts and produces manifest effects, is to
tell us nothing; but to derive two or three general principles of motion
from phenomena, and afterwards to tell us how the properties and actions
of all corporeal things follow from those manifest principles, would be
a very great step.
                                -- Isaac Newton
%%
We do not ask for what useful purpose the birds do sing, for song if
their pleasure since they were created for singing.  Similarly, we ought
not to ask why the human mind troubles to fathom the secrets of the
heavens....The diversity of the phenomena of Nature is so great, and the
treasures hidden in the heavens so rich, precisely in order that the
human mind shall never be lacking in fresh nourishment.
                                -- Johannes Kepler
%%
The doors of heaven and hell are adjacent and identical.
                                -- Nikos Kazantzakis
%%
A time would come when Men should be able to stretch out their Eyes ...
they should see the Planets like our Earth.
                                -- Christopher Wren
%%
Do there exist many worlds, or is there but a single world?  This is one
of the most noble and exalted questions in the study of nature.
                                -- Albertus Magnus
%%
We may mount from this dull Earth, and viewing it from on high, consider
whether Nature has laid out all her cost and finery upon this small
speck of Dirt.  So, like Travelers into other distant countries, we
shall be better able to judge of what's done at home, know how to make a
true estimate of, and set its own value upon every thing.  We shall be
less apt to admire what this World call great, shall nobly despise those
Trifles the generality of Men set their affections on, when we know that
there are a multitude of such Earths inhabited and adorn'd as well as
our own.
                                -- Christaan Huygens
%%
I would rather understand one cause than be King of Persia.
                                -- Democritus of Abdera
%%
But Aristarchus of Samos brought out a book consisting of some
hypotheses, in which the premises lead to the result that the universe
is many times greater than that now so called.  His hypotheses are that
the fixed stars and the Sun remain unmoved, that the Earth revolves
about the Sun in the circumference of a circle, the Sun lying in the
middle of the orbit, and that the sphere of the fixed stars, situated
about the same center as the Sun, is so great that the circle in which
he supposes the Earth to revolve bears such a proportion to the distance
of the fixed stars as the center of the sphere bears to its surface.
                                -- Archimedes
%%
We have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night.
                                -- Tombstone epitaph of two astronomers
%%
  Stars scribble in our eyes the frosty sagas,
  The gleaming cantos of unvanquished space.
                                -- Hart Crane
%%
Opening his two eyes, [Ra, the Sun god] cast light on Egypt, he
separated the night from day.  The gods came forth from his mouth and
mankind from his eyes. All things took their birth from him, the child
who shines in the lotus and whose rays cause all beings to live.
%%
God is able to create particles of matter of several sizes and
figures ... and perhaps of different densities and forces, and thereby
to vary the laws of Nature, and make worlds of several sorts in several
parts of the Universe.  At least, I see nothing in contradiction in all
this.
                                -- Isaac Newton
%%
We had the sky, up there, all speckled with stars, and we used to lay on
our backs and look up at them, and discuss about whether they was made,
or only just happened.
                                -- Mark Twain, Huckleberry Finn
%%
I have ... a terrible need ... shall I say the word? ... of religion.
Then I go out at night and paint the stars.
                                -- Vincent van Gogh
%%
There is a way on high, conspicuous in the clear heavens, called the
Milky Way, brilliant with its own brightness.  By it the gods go to the
dwelling of the great Thunderer and his royal abode ... Here the famous
and mighty inhabitants of heaven have their homes.  this is the region
which I might make bold to call the Palatine [Way] of the Great Sky.
                                -- Ovid
%%
Some foolish men declare that a Creator made the world.  The doctrine
that the world was created is ill-advised, and should be rejected.  If
God created the world, where was He before creation?  How could God have
made the world without any raw material?  If you say He made this first,
and then the world, you are faced with an endless regression ... Know
that the world is uncreated, as time itself is, without beginning and
end.
                                -- The Mahapurana, Jinasena
%%
To what purpose should I trouble myself in searching out the secrets of
the stars, having death or slavery continually before my eyes?
                                -- Anaximenes
%%
How vast those Orbs must be, and how inconsiderable this Earth, the
Theatre upon which all our might Designs, all our Navigations, and all
our Wars are transacted, is when compared to them.  A very fit
consideration, and matter of Reflection, for those Kings and Princes who
sacrifice the Lives of so many People, only to flatter their Ambition in
being Masters of some pitiful corner of this small Spot.
                                -- Christaan Huygens
%%
"Have you lived here all your life?"  "Oh, twice that long."
%%
Every doctor makes mistakes.  That's why they have hospitals.
                                -- Jerry Lewis
%%
I'm so sad my heart is leaking all over the place.
%%
I'm just visiting this planet.
%%
Taber's Second Law of Manufacturing Information Systems:  People
perceive machines as people.
                                -- Pat Taber
%%
First Corollary of Taber's Second Law:  Machines that piss people off
get murdered.
                                -- Pat Taber
%%
Lets stop bad mouthing our mail system.  We all depend on the post
office to provide excuses for us.
                                -- Jeff McNelly
%%
America is a country that can choke on a gnat, or swallow tigers.
                                -- Adlai E. Stevenson
%%
If we do not halt this steady process of building commissions and
regulatory bodies like putamids over every one of the simple
Consitutional provisions, we shall soon be spending billions of dollars
more.
                                -- Franklin D. Roosevelt
%%
As a rule, go with state-of-the-art technology (but don't be first).
                                -- Larry Long
%%
Taber's First Law of Manufacturing Information Systems:  If a system
does not have a payback for a given individual in the information chain,
the information will get corrupted at the level of that individual, and
become worse as it travels up the chain.
                                -- Pat Taber
%%
First Corollary of Taber's Second Law:  If a system doesn't have a
payback for the man at the base of the information system, then that
system is worthless.
                                -- Pat Taber.
%%
Abasement, n.  A decent and customary mental attitude in the presence of
wealth or power.  Peculiarly appropriate in an employee when addressing
an employer.
                                -- Ambrose Bierce
%%
Absurdity, n.  A statement of belief manifestly inconsistent with one's
own opinion.
                                -- Ambrose Bierce
%%
Accordion, n.  An instrument in harmony with the sentiments of an
assassin.
                                -- Ambrose Bierce
%%
Achievement, n.  The death of endeavor and the birth of disgust.
                                -- Ambrose Bierce
%%
Alone, adj. In bad company.
                                -- Ambrose Bierce
%%
Ambition, n. An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while
living and made ridiculous by friends when dead.
                                -- Ambrose Bierce
%%
Bacchus, n. A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for
getting drunk.
                                -- Ambrose Bierce
%%
Backbite, vt. To speak of a man as you find him when he can't find you.
                                -- Ambrose Bierce
%%
Barometer, n. An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of
weather we are having.
                                -- Ambrose Bierce
%%
Calamity, n.  A more than commonly plain and unmistakable reminder that
the affairs of this life are not of our own ordering.  Calamities are of
two kinds:  misfortune to ourselves, and good fortune to others.
                                -- Ambrose Bierce
%%
Clairvoyant, n.  A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing
that which is invisible to her patron -- namely, that he is a blockhead.
                                -- Ambrose Bierce
%%
Congratulation, n.  The civility of envy.
                                -- Ambrose Bierce
%%
Contempt, n.  The feeling of a prudent man for an enemy who is too
formidable safely to be opposed.
                                -- Ambrose Bierce
%%
Debt, n. An ingenious substitute for the chain and whip of the slave
driver.
                                -- Ambrose Bierce
%%
Dejeuner, n.  The breakfast of an American who has been in Paris.
Variously pronounced.
                                -- Ambrose Bierce
%%
Education, n.  That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the
foolish their lack of understanding.
                                -- Ambrose Bierce
%%
Egotist, n.  A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me.
                                -- Ambrose Bierce
%%
Famous, adj.  Conspicously miserable.
                                -- Ambrose Bierce
%%
Fashion, n.  A despot whom the wise ridicule and obey.
                                -- Ambrose Bierce
%%
Fiddle, n.  An instrument to tickle human ears by friction of a horse's
tail on the entrails of a cat.
                                -- Ambrose Bierce
%%
Future, n.  That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our
friends are true, and our happiness is assured.
                                -- Ambrose Bierce
%%
Habit, n.  A shackle for the free.
                                -- Ambrose Bierce
%%
Hand, n.  A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and
commonly thrust into somebody's pocket.
                                -- Ambrose Bierce
%%
Happiness, n.  An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the
misery of another.
                                -- Ambrose Bierce
%%
Harbor, n.  A place where ships taking shelter from storms are exposed
to the fury of customs.
                                -- Ambrose Bierce
%%
Hospitality, n.  The virtue which induces us to feed and lodge certain
persons who are not in need of food and lodging.
                                -- Ambrose Bierce
%%
Infancy, n.  The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth,
"Heaven lies about us."  The world begins lying about us pretty soon
afterward.
                                -- Ambrose Bierce
%%
Inventor, n.  A person who makes an ingenious arrangement of wheels,
levers, and springs, and believes it civilization.
                                -- Ambrose Bierce
%%
Kilt, n.  A costume sometimes worn by Scotchmen in America and Americans
in Scotland.
                                -- Ambrose Bierce
%%
Lawyer, n.  One skilled in circumvention of law.
                                -- Ambrose Bierce
%%
Male, n.  A member of the unconsidered, or negligable sex.  The male of
the human race is commonly known (to the female) as Mere Man.  The genus
has two variaties: good providers and bad providers.
                                -- Ambrose Bierce
%%
Mausoleum, n.  The final and funniest folly of the rich.
                                -- Ambrose Bierce
%%
Monday, n.  In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game.
                                -- Ambrose Bierce
%%
Noise, n.  A stench in the ear.  Undomesticated music.  The chief
product and authenticating sign of civilization.
                                -- Ambrose Bierce
%%
Ocean, n.  a body of water occupying about two thirds of a world made
for man -- who has no gills.                    -- Ambrose Bierce
%%
Opportunity, n.  A favorable occasion for grasping a disappointment.
                                -- Ambrose Bierce
%%
Overwork, n.  A dangerous disorder affecting high public functionaries
who want to go fishing.
                                -- Ambrose Bierce
%%
Peace, n.  In international affairs, a period of cheating between two
periods of fighting.
                                -- Ambrose Bierce
%%
Poker, n.  A game said to be played with cards for some purpose to this
lexicographer unknown.
                                -- Ambrose Bierce
%%
Politics, n.  A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of
principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.
                                -- Ambrose Bierce
%%
Positive, adj.  Mistaken at the top of one's voice.
                                -- Ambrose Bierce
%%
Pray, v.  To ask that the laws of the universe be anulled in behalf of a
single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
                                -- Ambrose Bierce
%%
Price, n.  Value, plus a reasonable sum for the wear and tear of
conscience in demanding it.
                                -- Ambrose Bierce
%%
Riot, n.  A popular entertainment given to the military by innocent
bystanders.
                                -- Ambrose Bierce
%%
Ruin, v.  To destroy.  Specifically, to destroy a maid's belief in the
virtue of maids.
                                -- Ambrose Bierce
%%
Self-evident, adj.  Evident to one's self and to nobody else.
                                -- Ambrose Bierce
%%
Senate, n.  a body of elderly gentlemen charged with high duties and
misdemeanors.
                                -- Ambrose Bierce
%%
Telephone, n.  An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the
advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.
                                -- Ambrose Bierce
%%
Truthful, adj.  Dumb and illiterate.
                                -- Ambrose Bierce
%%
Wit, n.  The salt with which the American humorist spoils his
intellectual cookery by leaving it out.
                                -- Ambrose Bierce
%%
Diplomacy, n.  The art of saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a
rock.
                                -- Leonard L. Levinson
%%
Education, n.  One of the few thing a fellow is willing to pay for and
not get.
                                -- Leonard L. Levinson
%%
Free press, n.  One hundred men imposing their predujices on 100
million.
                                -- Leonard L. Levinson
%%
Highbrow, n.  The kind of person who looks at a sausage and thinks of
Picasso.
                                -- Leonard L. Levinson
%%
Jazz, n.  An appeal to the emotions by an attack on the nerves.
                                -- Leonard L. Levinson
%%
Lowbrow, n.  The kind of person who looks at Picasso and thinks of
baloney.
                                -- Leonard L. Levinson
%%
If you want to come up.  I can put you up.  I have a swimming pool and a
pool table.  I shoot very badly and if you are any good with a cue, you
could win enough to pay your expenses.
                                -- Groucho Marx
%%
Please accept my resignation.  I don't want to belong to any club that
will have me as a member.
                                -- Groucho Marx
%%
I once shot an elephant in my pajamas.  How he got in there I'll never
know.
                                -- Groucho Marx
%%
Your eyes, your eyes, they shine like the pants on my blue serge suit.
That's not a reflection on you.  That's on my pants.
                                -- Groucho Marx
%%
Anything is better than Julius.  I think that is why Ceasar got
assassinated. I took the name of Groucho because I always look solemn, I
guess.
                                -- Groucho Marx
%%
Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
                                -- Groucho Marx
%%
You'd better beat it.  You can leave in a taxi.  If you can't get a
taxi, you can leave in a huff.  If that's too soon, you can leave in a
minute and a huff.
                                -- Groucho Marx
%%
I could dance till the cows come home.  On second thought, I'd rather
dance with the cows till you come home.
                                -- Groucho Marx
%%
There are so many bonds that hold us together.  Your government bonds,
your savings bonds, your Liberty bonds.
                                -- Groucho Marx
%%
We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands
a woman.  And behind her stands his wife.
                                -- Groucho Marx
%%
The plot was designed in a light vein that somehow became varicose.
                                -- David Lardner
%%
Even nowadays a man can't step up and kill a woman without feeling just
a bit unchivalrous.
                                -- Robert Benchley
%%
I detest life-insurance agents; they always argue that I shall some day
die, which is not so.
                                -- Stephen Leacock
%%
The gambling known as business looks with austere disfavor upon the
business known as gambling.
                                -- Ambrose Bierce
%%
The chair ... was upholstered in one of those flagrant chintzes,
designed, apparently, by the art editor of a seed catalog.
                                -- Alexander Woollcott
%%
The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be.
Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in
automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.
                                -- Art Buchwald
%%
Number seven ... What's it meant to be dear? ... A study? ... It doesn't
say what of? ... Well, that's an easy way out for an artist.
                                -- Ruth Draper
%%
I'm never going to be famous.  My name will never be large on the roster
of Those Who Do Things.  I don't do anything.  Not a single thing.  I
used to bite my nails, but I don't even do that anymore.
                                -- Dorothy Parker
%%
I know she's alive.  I saw her lip curl.
                                -- Jules Feiffer
%%
So this gentleman said a girl with brains ought to do something else
with them besides think.
                                -- Anita Loos
%%
I was born because it was a habit in those days, people didn't know
anything else ... I was not a Child Prodigy, because a Child Prodigy is
a child who knows as much when it is a child as it does when it grows
up.
                                -- Will Rogers
%%
I can feel for her because, although I have never been an Alaskan
prostitute dancing on the bar in a spangled dress, I still get very
bored with washing and ironing and dishwashing and cooking day after
relentless day.
                                -- Betty MacDonald
%%
Is Moby Dick the whale or the man?
                                -- Harold Ross
%%
If anyone wants to trade a couple of centrally located, well-cushioned
showgirls for an eroded slope 90 minutes from broadway, I'll be on this
corner tomorrow at 11 with my tongue hanging out.
                                -- S. J. Perelman
%%
Whoever has lived long enough to find out what life is knows how deep a
debt of gratitude we owe to Adam, the first great benefactor of our
race.  He brought death into the world.
                                -- Mark Twain
%%
She developed a persistent troubled frown which gave her the expression
of someone who is trying to repair a watch with his gloves on.
                                -- James Thurber
%%
I once knew a chap who had a system of just hanging the baby on the
clothesline to dry and he was greatly admired by his fellow citizens for
having discovered a wonderful innovation on changing a diaper.
                                -- Damon Runyon
%%
Isn't this the most fascinating country in the world?  Where else would
I have to ride on the back of the bus, have a choice of going to the
worst schools, eating in the worst restaurants, living in the worst
neighborhood -- and an average of $5000 a week just talking about it.
                                -- Dick Gregory
%%
Her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest
in a yak.
                                -- Woody Allen
%%
One man's Mede is another man's Persian.
                                -- George S. Kaufman
%%
  There once was a fellow named Rafferty
  Who went to a gentleman's lafferty,
    When he saw the sight
    He said, "Newton was right,
  This must be the center of grafferty!"
%%
Remember, Yanks, if it wasn't for us British you'd all have been
Spanish.
%%
If I'm awake, try me.  If I'm asleep, wake me.
%%
People who live in glass blouses shouldn't show bones.
%%
You don't have to be crazy to work here, but it helps.
%%
Stamp out distemper -- but don't step in it.
%%
Save water, bathe with a friend.
%%
Support free enterprise -- legalize prostitution.
%%
Stop air pollution -- quit breathing.
%%
I am a mistake -- legalize abortion.
%%
Lower the age of puberty.
%%
Help stamp out philately.
%%
Support the rich.
%%
Drive defensively -- buy a tank.
%%
Support wildlife -- vote for an orgy.
%%
Legalize necrophilia!!
%%
Legalize vandalism!!
%%
Repeal inhibition!!
%%
Help stamp in sex!!
%%
Stamp out reality!!
%%
Repeal the law of gravity!!
%%
Save our slums!!
%%
Help a nun kick the habit.
%%
If at first you don't succeed ... CHEAT!
%%
Eggheads of the world unite! You have nothing to lose but your yokes.
%%
Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
%%
Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends.
%%
Hire the morally handicapped.
%%
Up with miniskirts!!!
%%
Down with hot pants!!!
%%
To save face:  keep lower half shut.
%%
Visit your mother today.  Maybe she hasn't had any problems lately.
%%
Hire a freak today.
%%
Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
%%
Alienation can be fun.
%%
No arms for the Venus de Milo.
%%
Birth-control pills are habit forming.
%%
Think dirty!
%%
Help get rid of the lunatic fringe -- support your local barber.
%%
Sibling rivalry is for kids.
%%
Autopsy is a dying practice.
%%
Unemployment helps stretch your coffee break.
%%
Think -- maybe the Joneses are trying to keep up with you!
%%
Take a cannibal to lunch.
%%
Anarchists unite!
%%
Identify your friends by your enemies.
%%
Pray for obscene mail.
%%
Nostalgia ain't what it used to be.
%%
Sock it to me with apathy.
%%
Fight poverty the American way -- get a job.
%%
Don't shoot -- I don't want to be president.
%%
I was born this way.  What's your excuse?
%%
Conserve energy -- make love more slowly.
%%
Life, liberty and the happiness of pursuit!
%%
Be security conscious -- because 80 percent of people are caused by
accident.
%%
Support your local police force -- steal!!
%%
Enjoy a good laugh -- go to work on a feather.
%%
Only dirty people need to wash.
%%
You're never alone with schizophrenia.
%%
Clean earth smells funny.
%%
Children -- beat your mother while she is young.
%%
It appears that in nature only gorillas and humans have to be taught not
to foul their own nests.
                                -- Irvin I. DeVore
%%
There is more to life than meets the mind.
%%
Why worry about tomorrow, when today is so far off?
%%
Today is the first day of the rest of your life -- celebrate now!
%%
Reality is good sometimes for kicks, but don't let it get you down.
%%
Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
%%
It's not the work that gets me down, it's the coffee breaks.
%%
The difference between this company and a cactus plant is that the plant
has pricks on the outside.
%%
The best-laid plans of mice and men ... are filed away somewhere.
%%
We are the people our parents warned us about.
%%
The world is going through a great big menopause.
%%
You'll never be the man your mother was.
%%
Earthquake predictors are faultfinders.
%%
Florists are just petal pushers.
%%
An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but an onion a day keeps everyone
away.
%%
The world is your oyster, so EAT IT!!
%%
What has posterity ever done for me?
%%
The meek shall inherit the earth -- they're too weak to refuse.
%%
Love thy neighbor -- but don't get caught.
%%
Reincarnation is a pleasant surprise.
%%
Sudden prayers make God jump.
%%
Old soldiers never die -- just young ones.
%%
Reality is a crutch.
%%
Alimony is paying for something you don't get.
%%
Even hypochondriacs can be ill.
%%
Things are more like they used to be than they are now.
%%
The happiest day is that day in the past that you always run back to
when the present proves unbearable.
%%
Lassie kills chickens.
%%
Snoopy has fleas.
%%
Isaac Newton counts on his fingers.
%%
William Tell wore contact lenses.
%%
Perry Mason bribes judges.
%%
Batman loves Robin.
%%
Pinocchio is a swinger.
%%
Count Dracula, your Bloody Mary is ready.
%%
Maria Montessori taut me to rite at age too.
%%
Socrates eats hemlock!
%%
Oedipus was the first man to plug the generation gap.
%%
Marshall McLuhan is print-oriented.
%%
You think Oedipus had a problem -- Adam was Eve's mother.
%%
Hugh Hefner is a virgin.
%%
Graffito was Benito Mussolini's secretary of war.
%%
Superman gets into Clark Kent's pants every morning.
%%
Leda loves swans.
%%
W. C. Fields is alive and drunk in Philadelphia.
%%
Euclid was square.
%%
Immanuel Kant but Kubla Khan.
%%
Cinderella married for money.
%%
  ARCHDUKE FERDINAND FOUND ALIVE;
  FIRST WORLD WAR A MISTAKE
%%
  Olenka Bohachevsky lives!
  And quite obviously in great seclusion.
%%
  Jesus lives!
  Darwin survives.
%%
  Jesus saves.  Moses invests.
  But only Bhudda pays dividends.
%%
  It's me and you against the world.
  When do we attack?
%%
  Home rules for Wales.
  And Moby Dick for king!
%%
Death is only a state of mind.
 
Only it doesn't leave you much time to think about anything else.
%%
  God isn't dead.
  He just couldn't find a parking space.
%%
  God isn't dead.
  He's just very, very sick.
%%
  Is there intelligent life on earth?
  Yes but I'm only visiting.
%%
My admiration for you can be taken for granite.
%%
We don't care enough about nateral fenominum.
%%
Porridge:  oat cuisine.
%%
Puberty is a hair-raising experience.
%%
There were once three Indian squaws.  One sat on a leopard skin.  One
sat on a doe skin.  The third sat on a hippopotamus skin.  The squaw on
the leopard skin had one son.  The squaw on the doe skin had two sons.
This, of course, proves that the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to
the sons of the squaws on the other two hides.
%%
Absinthe makes the tart grow fonder.
%%
Orange juice sorry you made me cry?  Don't be soda pressed; them martini
bruises.
%%
Better to have loved a short girl, than never to have loved a tall.
%%
Presently she told Dick she had a cat so smart that it first ate cheese
and then breathed down the mouseholes -- with baited breath -- to entice
the creatures out.
                                -- Richard Hughes
%%
  "Waiter, this coffee tastes like mud."
  "Well, it was only ground this morning."
%%
  "The eggs taste disgusting."
  "Don't blame me.  I only laid the table."
%%
  When I am dead, I hope it may be said:
  "His sins were scarlet, but his books were read."
                                -- Hilaire Belloc
%%
I told her no sensible man would take her dancing in her bikini, so she
went with a little moron.
                                -- Alan F. G. Lewis
%%
Back-seat driving is a form of duel control.
                                -- Alan F. G. Lewis
%%
Goblin your food is bad for your elf.
                                -- Alan F. G. Lewis
%%
Bambi could never have been a mother if her hart hadn't been in the
right place.
                                -- Alan F. G. Lewis
%%
I'll be with you in two sex, said the hermaphrodite.
                                -- Alan F. G. Lewis
%%
I'll be with you in half a tick, said the vivisectionist.
                                -- Alan F. G. Lewis
%%
I'll be with you in two shakes, said the freemason.
                                -- Alan F. G. Lewis
%%
I'll be with you in half a mho, said the electrician.
                                -- Alan F. G. Lewis
%%
I'll be with you in a trice, said the Third Man.
                                -- Alan F. G. Lewis
%%
I'll be with you in necks to no time, said the executioner.
                                -- Alan F. G. Lewis
%%
I'll be with you in a flash, said the magician.
                                -- Alan F. G. Lewis
%%
I'll be with you in an instant, said the marketing man.
                                -- Alan F. G. Lewis
%%
I'll be with you in a twinkling, eye said.
                                -- Alan F. G. Lewis
%%
When a liar gets pharyngitis, he loses his vice.
                                -- Alan F. G. Lewis
%%
A white lie is aversion of the truth.
                                -- Alan F. G. Lewis
%%
Is a group of trainee secret service agents aspiring?
                                -- Alan F. G. Lewis
%%
When the witch said Abradacabra, nothing happened.  She's a hopeless
speller.
                                -- Alan F. G. Lewis
%%
Baldness is a kind of failure.  Wish I'd made the greyed.
                                -- Alan F. G. Lewis
%%
If a man asks a woman to help him with a crowbar, it's because he can't
lever alone.
                                -- Alan F. G. Lewis
%%
Soubcon is French for a small amount, only morceau.
                                -- Alan F. G. Lewis
%%
Chalet or shanty?  It's a decision he should dwell on.
                                -- Alan F. G. Lewis
%%
He's a theater buff with a tendency to fawn.
                                -- Alan F. G. Lewis
%%
If his new secretary isn't sweet in the daytime and a little tart at
night, he'll saccharin the morning.
                                -- Alan F. G. Lewis
%%
Schnapps and hock are my favorite Teutonics.
                                -- Alan F. G. Lewis
%%
A true adman writes the prose and cons.
                                -- Alan F. G. Lewis
%%
She told he was just a traveling companion, but I sensed arrival.
                                -- Alan F. G. Lewis
%%
Why piccolo a profession that's full of viol practices, confirmed lyres,
old fiddles, and bass desires?  For the lute, of course.
                                -- Alan F. G. Lewis
%%
The Moses film project was abandoned after they'd seen the rushes.
                                -- Alan F. G. Lewis
%%
In a church, it's an accepted custom never to talk above a vesper.
%%
A married man sho wants to conceal his drunken infidelities can easily
wake up in the morning wondering who he's lying next to.
%%
Two cheerleaders ended up at the alter.  They met by chants.
%%
You can see by her light touch that she has a flare for the piano.
%%
  "Shall we have salad?"
  "Yes, lettuce."
%%
Some thought Edgar Allen Poe was a raven lunatic.
%%
Bad news about the two lighthouse keepers -- their marriage is on the
rocks.
%%
When the fencing team tried to wrap up the tournament, they kept getting
foiled.
%%
In Chicago, every prospect breezes.
%%