From: IN%"minow@bolt.enet.dec.com" "Martin Minow, ML3-5/U26 14-May-1990 0945" 14-MAY-1990 11:45:55.50 To: _TERRY CC: Subj: cookie.007 Received: from CUNYVM.BITNET by SPCVXA.BITNET; Mon, 14 May 90 11:43 EDT Received: from CUNYVM by CUNYVM.BITNET (Mailer R2.03B) with BSMTP id 2090; Mon, 14 May 90 11:27:41 EDT Received: from decpa.pa.dec.com by CUNYVM.CUNY.EDU (IBM VM SMTP R1.2.2MX) with TCP; Mon, 14 May 90 11:27:16 EDT Received: by decpa.pa.dec.com; id AA07182; Mon, 14 May 90 08:20:37 -0700 Received: from bolt.enet; by decpa.enet; Mon, 14 May 90 08:20:39 PDT Date: Mon, 14 May 90 08:20:39 PDT From: "Martin Minow, ML3-5/U26 14-May-1990 0945" Subject: cookie.007 To: address@bolt.enet.dec.com Message-id: <9005141520.AA07182@decpa.pa.dec.com> X-Envelope-to: terry Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the organism will do as it damn well pleases. %% Underneath this flabby exterior is an enormous lack of character. -- Oscar Levant %% Understanding the laws of nature does not mean we are free from obeying them. -- Solomon Short %% Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable errors, which by definition are limited. -- Tom Gibb %% Uneasy lies the head that wears a crown. -- Shakespeare %% Uneven economic and political development is an absolute law of capitalism. -- Nicolai Lenin %% Unkind words do not enhance business confidence. -- Mark Epernay %% Unless you put your money to work for you -- you work for your money. -- Joe Miller %% Until his own life is at stake, an officer can never know what is going on with his own men. %% Until philosophers are kings ... cities will never cease from ill, nor the human race. -- Plato %% Untold suffering seldom is. %% Use every man after his deserts, and who shall 'scape whipping. -- Shakespeare %% Use what talents you possess: the woods would be very silent if no birds sang there except those that sang best. -- Henry van Dyke %% Usefulness is inversely proportional to reputation for being useful. -- Daniel S. Greenberg %% Usurer: A money-lender. He serves you in the present tense; he tends you in the conditional mood; keeps you in the subjunctive; and ruins you in the future. -- Addison %% Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two, opulence is when you have three -- and paradise is when you have none. -- Doug Larson %% Utopia has banned neurosis -- Punishes illegal thought. The people nurse, in static poses, Neurotic fears of being caught. %% VIRTUAL MEMORY: Memory that exists in effect, but not in fact; the usage is similar to that of the virtual particle in physics, the difference being that a virtual particle probably does exist but soon won't, while virtual memory probably doesn't but soon will. %% VOLUNTEER SUBJECT: A college sophomore who, of his or her own free will, is allowed to choose between participating in an experiment or failing a course. %% VYARZERZOMANIMORORSEZASSEZANSERAREORSES? %% Vacillating people seldom succeed. They seldom win the solid respect of their fellow men. Successful men and women are very careful in reaching decisions and very persistent and determined in action thereafter. -- L. G. Elliott %% Vance's Rule of 2 1/2: Any military project will take twice as long as planned, cost twice as much, and produce only half of what is wanted. -- Cyrus Vance %% Variables won't, constants aren't. -- Don Osborn %% Vastly improved review and control will result by promoting the most productive engineers to management positions. -- Richard F. Moore %% Vaulting ambition which o'erleaps itself. -- Shakespeare %% Venture not to the utmost bounds of even lawful pleasure; the limits of good and evil join. -- Fuller %% Vice repeated like the wandering wind, blows dust in others' eyes. -- Shakespeare %% Vice stings us even in our pleasures, but virtue consoles us, even in our pains. -- Colton %% Victory goes to the candidate with the most accumulated or contributed wealth who has the financial sources to convince the middle class and poor that he will be on their side. -- Mark B. Cohen %% Villian, thou know'st no law of God or man; No beast so fierce, but knows some touch of pity. -- Shakespeare %% Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent. -- Salvor Hardin %% Virtue itself often offends when coupled with bad manners. -- Middleton %% Volume is a defense to error. -- Richard A. Leahy %% Vote as an individual; lemmings end up falling off cliffs. Camaraderie is no substitute for common sense, and being your own man will make you sleep better. -- Pierre S. du Pont %% Votre bateau arriverez. %% Wah! Devil machine make numbers come out! With text! In tabular report format! Computers! Bad juju! %% Waking a person unnecessarily should not be considered a capital crime. For a first offense, that is. -- Lazarus Long %% Walter Shandy attributed most of his son's misfortunes to the fact that at a highly critical moment his wife had asked him if he had wound the clock, a question so irrelevant that he despaired of the child's ever being able to pursue a logical train of thought. -- Lawrence Sterne %% Want of prudence is too frequently the want of virtue; nor is there on earth a more powerful advocate for vice than poverty? -- Oliver Goldsmith %% War alone brings up to its highest tension all human energy and puts the stamp of nobility upon the peoples who have the courage to face it. -- Benito Mussolini %% War destroys mem, but luxury mankind At once corrupts the body and the mind. -- Crown %% Warning to Lawyers: Beware of and eschew pompous prolixity. -- Charles A. Beardsley %% Washington is a much better place if you are asking questions rather than answering them. -- John Dean %% Watch out for formal briefings, they often produce an avalanche. (Definition: A high-level snow job of massive and overwhelming proportions. -- Amrom Katz %% Watch the sun come up, breathe fresh air, exercise your body, become a garbage collector! %% Watch what people are cynical about, and one can often discover what they lack. -- Harry Emerson Fosdick %% Watch your step! You are beginning to act competent. %% We ... repeatedly enlarge our instrumentalities without improving our purpose. -- Will Durant %% We act as though comfort and luxury were the chief requirements of life, when all that we need to make us really happy is something to be enthusiastic about. -- Charles Kingsley %% We all want our friends to tell us our bad qualities; it is only the particular ass that does so that we can't tolerate. -- William James %% We always remember best the irrelevant. %% We're Digital Equipment Corporation ... and you're not. %% We are all apt to believe what the world believes about us. -- George Eliot %% We are all descendents of Adam and we are all products of racial miscegenation. -- Lester B. Pearson %% We are citizens of the world: and the tragedy of our times is that we do not know this. -- Woodrow Wilson %% We are locked into a system of "fouling our own nest," so long as we behave as independent, rational free-enterprisers. -- Garrett Hardin %% We are more heavily taxed by our idleness, pride and folly than we are taxed by government. -- Benjamin Franklin %% We are ne'er like angels 'till out passion dies. -- Dekker %% We are not primarily on this earth to see through one another, but to see one another through. %% We ask advice, but we mean approbation. -- Colton %% We can be Knowledgeable with other men's knowledge, but we cannot be wise with other men's wisdom. -- Michel de Montaigne %% We can destroy ourselves by cynicism and disillusion, just as effectively as by bombs. -- Kenneth Clark %% We can lick gravity, but sometimes the paperwork is overwhelming. -- Wernher von Braun %% We cannot defend freedom abroad by deserting it at home. -- Edward R. Murrow %% We cannot put the face of a person on a stamp unless said person is deceased. My suggestion, therefore, is that you drop dead. -- James E. Day, Postmaster General %% We cannot really be for something we don't understand. %% We cherish our friends not for their ability to amuse us, but for ours to amuse them. -- Evelyn Waugh %% We find it hard to believe that other people's thoughts are as silly as our own. -- James Harvey Robinson %% We give advice, but we cannot give the wisdom to profit by it. -- Duc de La Rochefoucauld %% We give advice, but we cannot give the wisdom to profit by it. -- La Rochefoucauld %% We have a degree of delight ... in the real misfortunes and pains of others. -- Edmund Burke %% We have had the reign of the late Avery Brundage, and now we have had eight years of Killanin, which raises the question of whether being an ass is one of the requirements for the job, or whether the job produces that effect on those who hold it. -- National Review %% We have left undone the things we ought to have done, and done the things which we ought not to have done. %% We have met the enemy and they is us! -- Pogo %% We have not lost faith, but we have transferred it from God to the medical profession. -- George Bernard Shaw %% We have to live today by what truth we can get today and be ready tomorrow to call it falsehood. -- William James %% We have watched American democracy at close hand for many years and we believe few governments are institutionally so susceptible to dictatorship as this one. -- Gerald Johnson %% We join ourselves to no party that does not carry the flag and keep step to the music of the Union. -- Rufus Choate %% We know nothing about motivation. All we can do is write books about it. %% We laugh heartily to see a whole flock of sheep jump because one did so; might not one imagine that superior beings do the same by us, and for exactly the same reason? -- Grenville %% We learn from experience. A man never wakes up his second baby just to see it smile. %% We lie about the truth, that's what ruins us here. And do you know why we lie about the truth? Not because we like to, but because we are scared to death of it. If we looked the truth in the eye nine out of ten of us would run to the graveyard and demand to be buried at once. -- Babbaluche the cobbler %% We may now be nearing the end of our hundred-year belief in Free Lunch. %% We must all hang together, or assuredly we will all hang in the Smithsonian next January. -- Poor Jimmy's Almanac %% We must be greater than God, for we have to undo His injustice. %% We must have courage to bet on our ideas, to take the calculated risk, and to act. Everyday living requires courage if life is to be effective and bring happiness. -- Maxwell Maltz %% We must make the best of those ills which cannot be avoided. -- Alexander Hamilton %% We must reform if we would conserve. -- Franklin Delano Roosevelt %% We never desire earnestly what we desire in reason. -- La Rochefoucauld %% We often boast that we are never bored, yet we are so conceited that we do not perceive how often we bore others. -- La Rochefoucauld %% We prefer to speak evil of ourselves than not speak of ourselves at all. %% We promise according to our hopes, and perform according to our fears. %% We read to say that we have read. %% We see the opening of an era: it is an era of seeking beyond the confines of our atmosphere; may it be also an era of awakening to the countries of earth. -- Bertrand De Jouvenel %% We shall find that it is less difficult to hide a thousand guineas than one hole in your coat. -- Colton %% We should act with as much energy as those who expect everything from themselves; and we should pray with as much earnestness as those who expect everything from God. -- Colton %% We should all be obliged to appear before a board every five years, and justify our existence, on pain of liquidation. -- George Bernard Shaw %% We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it -- and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again -- and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore. -- Mark Twain %% We should have had socialism already, but for the socialists. -- George Bernard Shaw %% We should often be ashamed of our very best actions, if the world only saw the motives which caused them. -- La Rochefoucauld %% We show our present joking, giggling race, True joy consists in gravity and grace. -- Garrick %% We sought the mutant due for lynching, Not a trace was there to find. I told the others -- saw them flinching -- "The bastard must have read my mind!" %% We stand for the maintenance of private property ... We shall protect free enterprise as the most expedient, or rather the sole possible economic order. -- Adolf Hitler %% We take cunning for a sinister and crooked wisdom, and certainly there is a great difference between a cunning man and a wise man, not only in point of honesty but in point of ability. -- Bacon %% We the Unwilling, lead by the Unknowing, are doing the impossible for the Ungrateful. We have done so much for so long with so little that we are now qualified to to anything with nothing. %% We think we are on the right road to improvement because we are making experiments. -- Benjamin Franklin %% We trained hard, but it seemed that every time we were beginning to form up into teams, we would be reorganized. I was to learn later in life we tend to meet any new situation by reorganizing, and a wonderful method it can be for creating the illusion of progress while producing confusion, inefficiency and demoralization. -- Petronious Arbiter %% We turn toward God only to obtain the impossible. %% We use an amalgam of mercury in modern dentistry because other metals, by themselves, are not sufficiently malleable to be worked with at the normal temperatures inside the human mouth. But mercury -- mercury is just walkin' around, right?!? -- Mike the Dentist %% We were hungry when we got to Moscow, Soviet. -- Groucho Marx %% We will bury you! -- Nikita Kruschev %% We won't have a society if we destroy the environment. -- Margaret Mead %% We'd like to make a deal with the computer. We promise not to fold, spindle or mutilate if it will stop asking us to sign our name over those little holes in the space marked for signature. %% We're all going down the same road in different directions. -- Dave Farber %% Weed -- a plant whose virtues have yet to be discovered. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson %% Welcome to beautiful downtown Maynard, minicomputer capitol of the world. %% Welcome to the jungle. Please obey our laws. %% Were I to use the wits the good Spirit gave me, then I would say this lady cannot exist -- for what sane man would hold a dream to be reality. Yet rather would I not be sane and lend belief to charmed, enchanted eyes. -- Magnifico Giganticus (aka the Mule) %% Were we as eloquent as angels, yet should we please some men and some women much more by listening than by talking. -- Colton %% What I want to do is to make people laugh so that they'll see things seriously. -- William K. Zinsser %% What I've enjoyed most about my climb to the top is all the people I've got to step on. %% What a man needs in gardening is a cast iron back, with a hinge in it. -- Charles Dudley Warner %% What a piece of work is man! How noble in reason; how infinite in faculties; in form and moving, how express and admirable! In action, how like an angel; in apprenhension, how like a god; the beauty of the world -- the paragon of animals! And yet to me what is this quintessence of dust? -- Shakespeare %% What a pity that the only way to heaven is in a hearse! -- Stanislaw J. Lec %% What a wonderful world it is that has boys in it! %% What a wonderful world it is that has girls in it! %% What ardently we wish we soon believe. -- Young %% What are fears but voices airy? Whispering harm where harm is not, And deluding the unwary Till the fatal bolt is shot! -- Wordsworth %% What are most of the histories of the world, but lies? Lies immortalized and consigned ofer as a perpetual abuse and a flaw upon prosperity. -- South %% What did you do in Russia before you were shot? -- Groucho Marx %% What do you call frogs sauteed in egg and milk? Fried toads. -- Lani Anderson %% What does an Englishman's beer bottle say on the bottom? OPEN OTHER END. %% What does an Englishman's stepladder say at the top? STOP HERE. %% What goes in must come back out. -- Van Mizzell, Jr. %% What goes in, comes out. -- Richard N. Farmer %% What is "Free" to me, but being masterless -- and maybe hungry? -- Cullen the Fool %% What is a church? Our honest sexton tells, 'Tis a tall building, with a tower and bells. -- Crabbe %% What is ambition? 'Tis a glorious cheat. Angels of light walk not so dazzlingly the sapphire walls of heaven. -- Willis %% What is an epigram? A dwarfish whole, its body brevity, and wit its soul. %% What is becoming is honest, and whatever is honest must always be becoming. -- Cicero %% What is freedom? Freedom is the right to choose: the right to create for yourself the alternatives of choice. Without the possibility of choice and the exercise of choice a man is not a man but a member, an instrument, a thing. -- Archibald MacLeish %% What is honored in a country will be cultivated there. %% What is philosophy but a continual battle against custom? -- Thomas Carlyle %% What is the use of a house if you haven't got a tolerable planet to put it on? -- Henry David Thoreau %% What is the worst of woes that wait on age? What stamps the wrinkle deeper on the brow? To view each lov'd one blotted from life's page, and be alone on earth as I am now. -- Byron %% What maintains one vice, would bring up two children. Remember, many a little makes a mickle; and farther, beware of little expenses; a small leak will sink a great ship. -- Benjamin Franklin %% What makes resisting temptation difficult, for many people, is that they don't want to discourage it completely. -- Franklin P. Jones %% What makes the virgin flee in horror -- Threats of kidnapping or rape? No: her father plans tomorrow To graft her brain into an ape. %% What makes us so bitter against people who outwit us is that they think themselves cleverer than we are. %% What manly eloquence could produce such an effect as woman's silence. -- Michelct %% What men learn from history is that men do not learn from history. %% What millions died that Ceasar might be great! -- Campbell %% What must be noted about the many fallen political celebrities of recent years is that salvation eluded them, though they knew all the people in Washington who are useful to know. -- Daniel S. Greenberg %% What must be, shall be; and that which is a necessity to him that struggles is little more than choice to him that is willing. -- Seneca %% What no spouse of a writer can ever understand is that a writer is working when he's staring out the window. %% What orators lack in depth they make up in length. %% What passes for woman's intuition is often nothing more than man's transparency. %% What really matters is the name you succeed in imposing on the facts -- not the facts themselves. -- Jerome Cohen %% What shall we do to be saved? In politics, establish a constitutional cooperative society or world government. In economics, find working compromises between free enterprise and socialism. -- Arnold Toynbee %% What the orators want in depth, they give you in length. -- Montesquieu %% What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent bagel. %% What this country needs is radicals who will stay that way regardless of the creeping years. -- John Fischer %% What this country really needs is to get out the voters the way it gets out the candidates. %% What we want is to see the child in pursuit of knowledge, and not knowledge in pursuit of the child. -- George Bernard Shaw %% What you do speaks so loud that I cannot hear what you say. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson %% What you don't do is always more important than what you do do. %% What you leave at your death, let it be without controversy, else the lawyers will be your heirs. -- Osborne %% What you think means more than anything else in your life. More than what you earn, more than where you live, more than your social position, and more than what anyone else may think about you. -- George Adams %% What! canst thou say all this and never blush? -- Shakespeare %% What! shall this speech be spoke for our excuse? Or shall we on without apology? -- Shakespeare %% What's a girl like you doing in a nice place like this? %% What's a girl like you doing in a place like this? ... and not worrying? %% What's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this? %% What's all the fuss about? The MIRV is in the great American tradition of bombs bursting in air. %% What's all the gaudy glitter of a crown? What but the glaring meteor of ambition, that leads the wretch benighted in his errors, points to the gulf and shines upon destruction? -- Brooke %% What's gone, and what's past help, should be past grief. -- Shakespeare %% What's good enough for our ancestors is good enough for us. %% What's good politics is bad economics; what's bad politics is good economics; what's good economics is bad politics; what's bad economics is good politics. -- Eugene W. Baer [Or, more compactly, "What's good politics is bad economics and vice versa, vice versa.] %% What's more miserable than discontent? -- Shakespeare %% What's the matter with the world? Why, there ain't but one thing wrong with every one of us -- and that's "selfishness." -- Will Rogers %% What's worth doing is worth doing for money. -- Joseph Donahue %% What? Me worry?!? %% Whatever General Sherman did on his march through Georgia, we are now even. %% Whatever creates the greatest inconvenience for the largest number must happen. -- Red Smith %% Whatever happens in government could have happened differently and it usually would have been better if it had. -- Prof. Charles Frankel %% Whatever isn't forbidden is required. -- Murray Gell-Mann %% Whatever natural right men have to freedom and independency, it is manifest that some men have a natural ascendency over others. -- Grenville %% Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought of as half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. -- Charlotte Whitton %% Whatever women do, they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. %% Whatever you want to do, you have to do something else first. -- Art Kosatka %% When God created two sexes, he may have been overdoing it. -- Charles Merrill Smith %% When God endowed human beings with brains, He did not intend to guarantee them. %% When I play with my cat, who knows if I am not more of a pastime to her than she is to me? -- Montaigne %% When I see a merchant over-polite to his customer, begging them to take a little brandy, and throwing his goods on the counter, thinks I, that man has an axe to grind. -- Benjamin Franklin %% When I take the humor of a thing once, I am like your tailor's needle -- I go through. -- Ben Johnson %% When I was a child, love to me was what the sea is to a fish: something you swim in while you are going about the important affairs of life. -- P. L. Travers %% When I was a kid I said to my father one afternoon, "Daddy, will you take me to the zoo?" He answered, "If the zoo wants you let them come and get you." -- Jerry Lewis %% When I was ten, I read fairy tales in secret and would have been ashamed if I had been found doing so. Now that I am 50, I read them openly. When I became a man, I put away childish things -- including the fear of childishness and the desire to be grown-up. -- C. S. Lewis %% When a customer buys a low-grade article, he feels pleased when he pays for it and displeased every time he uses it. But when he buys a well-made article, he feels extravagant when he pays for it and well pleased every time he uses it. -- Herbert N. Casson %% When a distinguished but elderly scientist states that something is possible, he is almost certainly right. When he states that something is impossible, he is very probably wrong. -- Arthur C. Clarke %% When a group of newsmen go out to dinner together, the bill is to be evenly divided among them, regardless of what each one eats and drinks. -- Jack Germond %% When a man blames others for his failures, it's a good idea to credit others with his successes. -- Howard W. Newton %% When a man finds not repose in himself it is in vain for him to seek it elsewhere. %% When a man has not a good reason for doing a thing, he has one good reason for letting it alone. -- Sir Walter Scott %% When a man has pity on all living creatures then only is he noble. -- Buddha %% When a man is between the devil and the deep blue sea, his fear of drowning generally triumphs. %% When a man is out of sight, it is not too long before he is out of mind. -- Thomas a Kempis %% When a man is wrong and won't admit it, he is always angry. -- Haliburton %% When a man says, "Get thee behind me, Satan," he's probably ashamed to have even the devil see what he's up to. %% When a pencil point breaks, the nearest sharpener is exactly 1000 feet away. %% When a person says that in the interest of saving time, he will summarize a prepared statement, he will talk only three times as long as if he had read the statement in the first place. -- Alan Otten %% When a person stands on his dignity, it's probably because he has very insecure footing. %% When a rechargable battery starts to die in the middle of a complex calculation, and the user attempts to connect house current, the calculator will clear itself. -- John L. Shelton %% When a student actually does a homework problem, the instructor will not ask for it. -- M. M. Johnston %% When a subject becomes totally obsolete we make it a required course. %% When a true genius appears in the world you may know him by this sign, that the dunces are all in confederacy against him. -- Jonathan Swift %% When all else fails, read the instructions. %% When an action has its intended effect, it also has other, unintended, effects. %% When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found to have been correct in the first place. %% When an idea is being pushed because it is "exciting," "new," or "innovative" -- beware. An exciting, new, innovative idea can also be foolish. -- Donald Rumsfeld [If in doubt, don't. Or do what is right. Your best question is often, "Why?"] %% When are slides are shown in a darkened room, the instructor will require the students to take notes. -- M. M. Johnston %% When articles rise the consumer is the first that suffers, and when they fall he is the last that gains. -- Colton %% When asked how much educated men were superior to those uneducated, Aristotle answered, "As much as the living are to the dead." -- Diogenes Laertius %% When can their glory fade? Oh! the wild charge they made! All the world wondered. Honour the charge they made! Honour the Light Brigade, Noble six hundred! -- Tennyson %% When eating an elephant, take one bite at a time. -- General Creighton W. Abrams %% When fear admits no hope of safety, Necessity makes dastards valiant men. -- Herrick %% When forced to resort to arms for redress, an appeal to the tribunal of the world was deemed proper for our justification. This was the object of the Declaration of Independence. -- Thomas Jefferson %% When fortune sends a stormy wind, Then show a brave and present mind; And when with too indulgent gales She swells too much, then furl thy sails. -- Creech %% When he is best, he is little worse than a man; and when he is worst, he is little worse than a beast. -- Shakespeare %% When in doubt, get it out. -- Jody Powell %% When in doubt, use a bigger hammer. %% When in panic or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout. -- Dorable %% When it comes to all-out war you use all the troops you have. %% When it is not necessary to make a decision, it is not necessary to make a decision. -- Lord Falkland %% When it rains it pours. %% When it was seen that many of the wicked seemed quite untroubled by evil consciences ... then the idea of future suffering was advanced. %% When it's not needed, zoning works fine; when it is essential, it always breaks down. -- John McClaughry %% When love and skill work together, expect a masterpiece. -- Charles Reade %% When men grow virtuous in their old age, they are merely making a sacrifice to God of the Devil's leavings. -- Jonathon Swift %% When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results. -- Calvin Coolidge %% When once infidelity can persuade men that they shall die like beasts, they will soon be brought to live like beasts also. -- South %% When one considers just what man is, Happy it be that short his span is. -- James Cagney %% When one has an early class, one's roommate will invariable enter the space late at night and suddenly become hyperactive, ill, violent, or all three. %% When one has great gifts, what answer to the meaning of existence should one require beyond the right to exercise them? -- W. H. Auden %% When one is trying to be elegant and sophisticated, one won't. -- Betty Hartig %% When other people take a long time to do something, they're slow; when we take a long time, we're thorough. When they don't do something, they're lazy; when we don't, we're too busy. When they succeed, they're lucky; when we do, we deserve it. %% When our friends get into power, they aren't our friends anymore. -- M. Stanton Evans %% When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other. -- Eric Hoffer %% When people are starving, life is no longer meaningless. -- John Gardner %% When people have a job to do, particularly a vital but difficult one, they will invariably put it off until the last possible moment, and most of them will put it off even longer. -- Gordon L. Becker %% When played from a sand trap, a ball which does not clear the trap on being struck may be hit again on the roll without counting an extra stroke. In no case will more than two strokes be counted in playing from a trap, since it is only reasonable to assume that if the player had time to concentrate on his shot, instead of hurrying it so as not to delay his partners, he would be out in two. -- Donald A. Metz %% When poverty ocmes in at the door, love flies out at the window. %% When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity: for every week you're away and get nothing done, there's another when your boss is away and you get twice as much done. -- Daniel B. Luten %% When prosperity comes, it's best not to use all of it. %% When provoked into a fight, Just grab his midriff pearly white and withdraw that long and gleaming blade. Now with defense you're equipped, with Jesus you don't take no lip, and anyone you meet will wish he'd prayed. Plastic Jesus, Plastic Jesus ... %% When several reporters share a cab on assignment, the reporter in the front seat pays for all. -- Warren Weaver %% When singleness is bliss, it's folly to be wives. -- Bill Councelman %% When some English moralists write about the importance of having character, they appear to mean only the importance of having a dull character. -- G. K. Chesterton %% When stupidity is a sufficient explanation, there is no need to have any recourse to any other. -- Michael Uhlmann %% When the blossom grows white the potatoes are good. %% When the fox gnaws -- smile! %% When the going gets weird the weird turn pro. %% When the government talks about "raising capital" it means printing it. That's not very creative, but it's what we're going to do. -- Peter Drucker %% When the issue is simple, and everyone understands it, debate is interminable. -- Robert Knowles %% When the law is against you, argue the facts. When the facts are against you, argue the law. When both are against you, call the other lawyer names. %% When the lay public rallies round an idea that is denounced by distinguished but elderly scientists, and supports that idea with great fervor and emotion -- the distinguished but elderly scientists are then, after all, right. -- Isaac Asimov %% When the need arises -- and it does -- you must be able to shoot your own dog. Don't farm it out -- that doesn't make it nicer, it makes it worse. -- Lazarus Long %% When the plane you are on is late, the plane you want to transfer to is on time. %% When the polls are in your favor, flaunt them. %% When the polls are overwhelmingly unfavorable, (a) ridicule and dismiss them or (b) stress the volatility of public opinion. %% When the polls are slightly unfavorable, play for sympathy as a struggling underdog. %% When the polls are too close to call, be surprised at your own strength. %% When the product is destined to fail, the delivery system will perform perfectly. -- Charles P. Boyle %% When the speaker and he to whom he is speaks do not understand, that is metaphysics. -- Voltaire %% When the state is most corrupt, then the laws are most multiplied. -- Tacitus %% When the weight of the paperwork equals the weight of the plane, the plane will fly. -- Donald Douglas %% When the well is dry, we know the worth of oil. -- Poor Jimmy's Almanac %% When the wind is great, bow before it; when the wind is heavy, yield to it. %% When there are two conflicting versions of a story, the wise course is to believe the one in which people appear at their worst. -- Avery %% When there is a very long road upon which there is a one-way bridge placed at random and there are two cars only on that road, it follows that: (1) the two cars are going in opposite directions and (2) they will always meet at the bridge. -- B. D. Firstbrook %% When they said Canada, I thought it would be up in the mountains somewhere. -- Marilyn Monroe %% When they want it bad (in a rush), they get it bad. -- John K. Meskimen %% When things are going well, someone will experiment detrimentally. -- Charles P. Boyle %% When things are going well, something will go wrong. Corollary: When things just can't get any worse, they will. Corollary: Anytime things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something. -- Francis P. Chisholm %% When things go wrong somewhere, they're apt to bo wrong everywhere. -- Vermont Royster %% When traveling with children on one's holidays, at least one child of any number of children will request a rest room stop exactly half way between any two given rest rooms. -- Mervyn Cripps %% When two goats met on a bridge which was to narrow to allow either to pass or return, the goat which lay down that the other might walk over it was a finer gentleman than Lord Chesterfield. -- Cecil %% When two people meet to decide how to spend a third person's money, fraud will result. -- Herman Gross %% When voting on appropriations bills, more is not necessarily better. It is as wasteful to have a B-1 bomber in every garage as it is to have a welfare program for every conceivable form of deprivation. -- Pierre S. du Pont %% When we are right we can afford to keep our tempers. When we are wrong, we can't afford not to. %% When we call others dogmatic, what we really object to is their holding dogmas that are different from our own. -- Professor Charles P. Issawi %% When we cannot act as we wish, we must act as we can. -- Terrence %% When wool sweaters are worn, classroom temperatures are 95 degrees Fahrenheit. -- M. M. Johnston %% When working toward the solution of a problem it always helps if you know the answer (provided, of course, you know there is a problem). %% When you are about to do an objective and scientific piece of investigation of a topic, it is well to gave the answer firmly in hand, so that you can proceed forthrightly, without being deflected or swayed, directly to the goal. -- Amrom Katz %% When you are right be logical, when you are wrong be-fuddle. -- Gerard E. McKenna %% When you are sure you're right, you have a moral duty to impose your will upon anyone who disagrees with you. -- Robert W. Mayer %% When you arrive at your campsite, it is full. -- Milt Barber %% When you become used to never being alone, you may consider yourself Americanized. %% When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried. %% When you doubt, abstain. -- Zoroaster %% When you find that flowers and shrubs will not endure a certain atmosphere, it is a very significant hint to the human creature to remove out of that neighborhood. -- Mayhew %% When you go out to buy, don't show your silver. %% When you have a hammer in your hand, everything looks like a nail. %% When you know absolutely nothing about the topic, make your forecast by asking a carefully selected probability sample of 300 others who don't know the answer either. -- Edgar R. Fiedler %% When you need towns, they are very far apart. -- John Steinbeck %% When you opponent is down, kick him. -- John Cameron %% When you're out of slits, you're out of pier. %% When you're up to your ass in alligators, it is difficult to keep your mind on the fact that your primary objective is to drain the swamp. %% Whenever A annoys or injures B on the pretense of saving or improving X, A is a scoundrel. -- H. L. Mencken %% Whenever A attempts by law to impose his moral standards on B, A is most likely a scoundrel. -- James J. Kirkpatrick %% Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes. %% Whenever in time, and wherever in the universe, any man speaks or writes in any detail about the technical management of a poem, the resulting irascibility of the reader's response is a constant. -- Francis P. Chisholm %% Whenever one finds oneself inclined to bitterness, it is a sign of emotional failure. -- Bertrand Russell %% Whenever one word or letter can change the entire meaning of a sentence, the probability of an error being made will be in direct proportion to the embarrassment it will cause. -- Bob Considine %% Whenever science makes a discovery, the devil grabs it while the angels are debating the best way to use it. %% Whenever the cause of the people is entrusted to professors it is lost. -- Nikolai Lenin %% Whenever two hypotheses cover the facts, use the simpler of the two. %% Where are the calculations that go with the calculated risk? -- Amrom Katz %% Where have you ever found that man who stopped short after the perpetration of a single crime? -- Juvenal %% Where ignorance is bliss, 'tis folly to be wise. -- Gray %% Where is there dignity unless there is honesty? %% Where love is there is no labor; and if there be labor, that labor is loved. -- Austin %% Where necessity ends, curiosity begins; and no sooner are we supplied with every thing that nature can demand, than we sit down to contrive artificial appetites. -- Johnson %% Where no hope is left, is left no fear. -- Milton %% Where possible, preserve the President's options -- he will very likely need them. -- Donald Rumsfeld %% Where there is much pretension, much has been borrowed; nature never pretends. -- Lavater %% Where true love has found a home, every new hear forms one more ring around the hearts of those who love each other, so that in the end they cannot live apart. -- Julius Stinde %% Where would a shellfish sue for damages? In a small clams court. -- Oliver M. Neshamkin %% Where you stand depends upon where you sit. -- Rufus Miles %% Whereas each man claims his freedom as a matter of right, the freedom he accords other men is a matter of tolerance. -- Walter Lippmann %% Whereas in many branches of economic activity employment depends on the number of job openings available, in the public service, as also in the advertising business, social science investigation, and university administration, the level of unemployment regularly depends on the number of men available and devoting their time to the creation of job opportunities. %% Whereas in the past the only resource for dealing with biological systems was to try to minimize the interactions between the parts, thereby often losing the real focus of interest, today nothing but time and money prevent us from treating real biological systems in all their complexity and richness. -- W. Ross Ashby %% Wherever is love and loyalty, great purposes and lofty souls, even though in a hovel or mine, there is a fairy-land. -- Kingsley %% Wherever public spirit prevails, liberty is secure. -- Noah Webster %% Whether he is his brother's keeper or his keeper's brother. -- Evan Esar %% While bryographic plants are typically encountered in substrata of earthly or mineral matter in concreted state, discrete substrata elements occasionally display a roughly spherical configuration which, in presence of suitable gravitational and other effects, lends itself to combined translatory and rotational motion. One notices in such cases an absence of the otherwise typical accretion of bryophyta. We therefore conclude that a rolling stone gathers no moss. %% While human capacities to shape the environment, society, and human beings are rapidly increasing, policymaking capabilities to use those capacities remain the same. -- Yehezkel Dror %% While the State exists, there is no freedom. When there is freedom, there is no State. -- Nikolai Lenin %% While the difficulties and dangers of problems tend to increase at a geometric rate, the knowledge and manpower qualified to deal with these problems tend to increase at an arithmetic rate. -- Yehezkel Dror %% Whilst thou livest keep a good tongue in thy head. -- Shakespeare %% Who ever loved that loved not at first sight? -- Marlowe %% Who fears t' offend takes the first step to please. -- Cibber %% Who loves, raves -- 'tis youth's phrenzy; but the cure Is bitterer still. -- Byron %% Who makes quick use of the moment is a genius of prudence. -- Lavater %% Who purposely cheats his friend, would cheat his God. -- Lavater %% Who said things would get better? -- John Ehrman %% Who says I am not under the special protection of God? -- Adolf Hitler %% Who sees with equal eye, as God of all, A hero perish or a sparrow fall. %% Who shall decide when doctors disagree, And sound casuists doubt like you and me? -- Alexander Pope %% Who shall guard the guardians themselves? %% Who soars too near the sun, with golden wings, melts them; to ruin his own fortune brings. -- Shakespeare %% Who stole the cork from my breakfast? -- W. C. Fields %% Who then is free? The wise man who can command himself. -- Horace %% Whoever has the gold makes the rules. %% Wholly without foundation, informed sources insist, are rumors that John Anderson will announce a running-mate just as soon as he receives a confidential medical advisory on the feasibility of his being cloned. -- National Review %% Whom the gods wish to destroy they first call promising. %% Whom the gods would destroy they first make mad. %% Whosoever commands the sea commands the trade; whosoever commands the trade of the world commands the riches of the world, and, consequently the world itself. -- Sir Walter Raleigh %% Whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if any man will sue thee at the law, and take away thy coat, let him have thy cloak also. -- Matthew V, 39 %% Why You Can't Run When There's Trouble in the Office: No matter where you stand, no matter how far or fast you flee, when it hits the fan, as much as possible will be propelled in your direction, and almost none will be returned to the source. -- John L. Shelton %% Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of movement unless it was to avoid responsibility? %% Why do five pins seem like a little, but five elephants seem like a lot? %% Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents? %% Why does the evening, does the night, put warmer love in our hearts? Is it the nightly pressure of helplessness? Or is it the exalting separation from the turmoils of life, that veiling of the world in which for the soul nothing there remains but souls? It is therefore that the letters in which the loved name stands written in our spirit appears like phosphorous writing by night, in fire, while by day, in their cloudy traces, they but smoke? -- Richter %% Why don't somebody print the truth about our present economic condition? We spent years of wild buying on credit, everything under the sun, whether we needed it or not, and now we are having to pay for it, howling like a pet coon. This would be a great world to dance in if we didn't have to pay the fiddler. -- Will Rogers %% Why don't you put on a tutu and go to a leather bar? %% Why don't you slip into something more comfortable? Like thumbscrews. %% Why don't you try slipping on a pair of water moccasins? %% Why dost thou court that baneful pest, ambition? -- Potter %% Why is man doomed to have only one erogenous zone? %% Why should I feel another man's mistakes more than his sickness or poverty? %% Why should society feel responsible only for the education of children, and not for the education of all adults of every age? -- Erich Fromm %% Why should the devil have all the good tunes? %% Why should we subsidize intellectual curiosity? -- Ronald Reagan %% Why shouldn't the American people take half my money from me? I took all of it from them. %% Why would we have different races if God meant us to be alike and associate with each other? -- Lester Maddox %% Wicked men obey for fear, but the good for love. -- Aristotle %% Wickedness may prosper for a awhile, but in the long run, he that seta all knaves at work will pay them. -- L'Estrange %% Wide flush the fields; the softening air is balm; Echo the mountains round; the forest smiles; And every sense and every heart is joy. -- Thomson %% Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse. %% Win her with gifts, if she respect not words; Dumb jewels often, in their silent kind, More quick than words do move a woman's mind. -- Shakespeare %% Wine is a turncoat; first a friend, and then an enemy. -- Fielding %% Winged time glides on insensibly, and deceives us; and there is nothing more fleeting than years. -- Ovid %% Wisdom and knowledge decrease in inverse proportion to age. -- William J. Lynott %% Wisdom is considered a sign of weakness by the powerful because a wise man can lead without power but only a powerful man can lead without wisdom. -- Mark B. Cohen %% Wisdom is meaningless until our own experience has given it meaning ... and there is wisdom in the selection of wisdom. -- Bergen Evans %% Wise people learn to tolerate only productive anxiety in themselves. They make tension work for them instead of against them. Their aggressiveness is outgoing and initiating, not hostile or arrogant. %% Wit is cultured insolence. -- Aristotle %% Wit is the rarest quality to be met with among people of education. -- William Hazlitt %% Wit is the salt of conversation, not the food. -- William Hazlitt %% Wit lies in the likeness of things that are different, and in the difference of things that are alike. -- Madame de Stael %% Wit sometimes enables us to act rudely with impunity. -- Duc de La Rochefoucauld [In other words, to step on a man's toes without spoiling his shoeshine.] %% With clothes the new are best, with friends the old are best. %% With equal pace, impartial fate, Knocks at the palace and the cottage gate. -- Horace %% With every exertion, the best of men can do but a moderate amount of good; but it seems in the power of the most contemptible individual to do incalculable mischief. -- Washington Irving %% With rank goeth privileges -- so it ever shall be. But also with it go responsibility and obligations, always more onerous than the privileges are pleasant. -- Robert A. Heinlein %% With the press, it is safest to assume that there is no "off the record." -- Donald Rumsfeld %% With the proper consideration in choice of allies, victory may be guaranteed in any conflict. -- Benedict Arnold %% Within the oyster's shell uncouth The purest pearl may hide, Trust me you'll find a heart of truth Within that rough inside. -- Mrs. Osgood %% Without fools there would be no wisdom. %% Without freedom, no one really has a name. -- Milton Acorda %% Women and asses and nuts require strong hands. %% Women have more strength in their looks than we have in our laws, and more power by their tears than we have by our arguments. -- Saville %% Women who want equality must be prepared to give it and believe in it, and in order to do that it is not enough to state that you are as good as any man, but also it must be stated he is as good as you and both will be humans together. -- Anne Roiphe %% Words are men's daughters, but God's sons are things. -- Johnson %% Words are the voice of the heart. %% Words must be weighed, not counted. %% Words with a 'k' in them are funny. If it doesn't have a 'k', it's not funny. -- Willie Clark %% Work Rule: After an employee has spent his 13 hours of labor in the office, he should spend the remaining time reading the Bible and other good books. %% Work Rule: Any employee who smokes Spanish cigars, uses liquor in any form, or frequents pool and public halls, or gets shaved in a barber shop, will give me good reasons to suspect his worth, intentions, integrity and honesty. %% Work Rule: Death (Other Than Your Own) -- This is no excuse. If you can arrange for funeral services to be held late in the afternoon, however, we can let you off an hour early, provided all you work is up to date. %% Work Rule: Each clerk will bring in a bucket of water and scuttle of coal for the day's business. %% Work Rule: Each day fill lamps, clean chimneys, and trim wicks. Wash the windows once a week. %% Work Rule: Entirely too much time is being spent in the washrooms. In the future, you will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose surnames begin with "A" will be allowed to go from 9 - 9:05 AM, and so on. If you are unable to go at your appointed time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes around again. %% Work Rule: Every employee should lay aside from each pay a goodly sum of his earnings for his benefit during his declining years, so that he will not become a burden on society or his betters. %% Work Rule: Leave of Absence (for an Operation) -- We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage any thoughts that you may not need all of whatever you have, and you should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for. %% Work Rule: Make your pens carefully. You may whittle nibs to your individual taste. %% Work Rule: Men employees will be given off each week for courting purposes, or two evenings a week if they go regularly to church. %% Work Rule: Office employees will daily sweep the floors, dust the furniture, shelves, and showcases. %% Work Rule: Sickness -- No excuses will be acceptable. We will no longer accept your doctor's statement as proof of illness, as we believe that if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. %% Work Rule: The employee who has performed his labors faithfully and without a fault for five years, will be given an increase of fice cents per day in his pay, providing profits from the business permit it. %% Work Rule: This office will open at 7 AM and close at 8 PM except on the Sabbath, on which day we will remain closed. Each employee is expected to spend the Sabbath by attending church and contributing liberally to the cause of the Lord. %% Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do, and Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do. -- Samuel Clemens %% Work is accomplished by those employees who have not yet reached their level of incompetence. -- Laurance J. Peter %% Work is of two kinds: (1) Altering the position of matter at or near the earth's surface relative to other such matter; (2) Telling other people to do so. The first is unpleasant and ill paid; the second is pleasant and high paid. %% Works of genius are the first things in the world. %% Works without faith are like a fish without water, it wants the element it should live in. A building without a basis cannot stand; faith is the foundation, and every good action is as a stone laid. -- Feltham %% World's shortest horror story: The last man on earth sat down in his room. There was a knock on the door. -- Published (by whom?) in The Magazine of Fantasy and Science Fiction World's even shorter horror story: There are some things man was not meant to know. -- Larry Niven %% Worriers spend a lot of time shoveling smoke. -- Claude McDonald %% Worth seeing? Yes, but not worth going to see. %% Writers desire to be paid, authors desire recognition. -- James L. Davis %% Writers of novels and romances in general bring a double loss on their readers, they rob them both of their time and money; representing men, manners, and things that never have been, nor are likely to be; either confounding or perverting history or truth, inflating the mind, or committing violence upon the understanding. -- Lady Montague %% Writers, composers, entertainers and such know an awful truth: it is easier to please a million people you don't know than to please one person you do know. -- Richard J. Needham %% Writing code is easy: just get it write the first time! %% Writing is not hard. Just get paper and pencil, sit down and write it as it occurs to you. The writing is easy -- it's the occurring that's hard. -- Stephen Leacock %% Xerox: A trademark for a photocopying device that can make rapid reproductions of human error, perfectly. -- Merle L. Meacham %% YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT: finally got one that worked %% Ya gotta be subtle! -- Mike Hammer %% Yeccchhh! That must be a face, it has ears! %% Yesterday I was on a guilt trip ... today I'm on an ego trip. %% Yet I argue not Against heaven's hand or will, nor bate a jot Of heart or hope, but still bear up and steer Right onward. -- Milton %% Yield to temptation; it may not pass your way again. -- Lazarus Long %% Yippies, hippies, yahoos, Black Panthers, lions and tigers alike -- I would swap the whole damn zoo for the kind of young Americans I saw in Vietnam. -- Spiro Agnew %% You always find something in the last place you look. %% You amass things only to enjoy them. %% You are a bundle of energy always on the go. %% You are a pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. %% You are a quick and intelligent thinker. %% You are almost there. %% You are always busy. %% You are aware that merit is not always rewarded. %% You are building up credit for the future. %% You are capable of planning your future. %% You are certainly entitled to your opinion. Fortunately, the rest of us are entitled to ignore it. %% You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. %% You are cordially invited to go screw yourself. %% You are deeply attached to your friends and acquaintances. %% You are dishonest, but never to the point of hurting a friend. %% You are fairminded, just and loving. %% You are farsighted, a good planner, an ardent lover, and a faithful friend. %% You are free and that is why you are lost. -- Franz Kafka %% You are going to have a new love affair (with a rock). %% You are going to have a new love affair. %% You are heading for a land of sunshine. %% You are here. ***** ***** ********* ******* ***** *** * But you're not all there. %% You are inclined to be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes repeatedly. %% You are logical and hate disorder. %% You are magnetic in your bearing. %% You are not worth the dust which the rude wind blows in your face. -- Shakespeare %% You are nuts. %% You are optimistic and intelligent. %% You are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. %% You are scrupulously honest, frank, and straightforward. %% You are secretive in your dealings but never to the extent of trickery. %% You are sensitive to the atmosphere around you. %% You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. %% You are standing on my toes. %% You are strong enough to admit that you need help. %% You are such a good salesman, you could sell a double bed to the Pope. %% You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems. They think you are a sucker. %% You are tricky, but never to the point of dishonesty. %% You believe that you are the master of your fate; the captain of your soul. %% You can choose a ready guide in some celestial voice; if you choose not to decide you still have made a choice. You can choose from phantom fears or kindness that could kill; I will choose a path that's clear: I will choose free will. -- Rush %% You can do very well in speculation where land or anything to do with earth is concerned. %% You can fool all of the people all of the time, but why bother when all you need is a simple majority? %% You can fool the people about many things, but only a fool would be foolish enough to fool the people about money. -- Italo Bombolini %% You can get anywhere in ten minutes if you go fast enough. %% You can go wrong by being too skeptical as readily as by being too trusting. %% You can have peace. Or you can have freedom. Never count on having both at once. %% You can judge a leader by the size of the problems he tackles -- people nearly always pick a problem their own size, and ignore or leave to others the bigger of smaller ones. -- Anthony Jay %% You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float on his back you've got something. %% You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think. -- Dorothy Parker %% You can lead a whore to Vasser, but you can't make her think. -- Frederick B. Artz %% You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance. -- Franklin P. Jones %% You can never do merely one thing. -- Garrett Hardin %% You can observe a lot just by watching. -- Yogi Berra %% You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball. %% You can only govern men by serving them. The rule is without exception. -- Victor Cousin %% You can tell when you're on the right track -- it's usually uphill. %% You can't break even. %% You can't even quit the game. %% You can't expect to hit the jackpot if you don't put a few nickels in the machine. -- Flip Wilson %% You can't guard against the arbitrary. %% You can't tell how deep a puddle is until you step into it. %% You can't trust a man who won't shave himself on his own hangover. %% You can't win. %% You can't win the game if you won't throw the dice. %% You cannot antagonize and persuade at the same time. %% You cannot bring about prosperity by discouraging thrift. %% You cannot build character and courage by taking away a man's initiative and independence. %% You cannot discover working programs. You can only discover them broken. %% You cannot establish sound social security on borrowed money. %% You cannot further the brotherhood of man by inciting class hatred. %% You cannot help men permanently by doing for them what they could and should do for themselves. %% You cannot help small men up by tearing down big men. %% You cannot help the poor by destroying the rich. %% You cannot keep out of trouble by spending more than your income. %% You cannot kill time without injuring eternity. %% You cannot lift the wage-earner up by pulling the wage-payer down. %% You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back. %% You cannot strengthen the weak by weakening the strong. %% You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter. %% You compensate for you prejudices when making decisions. %% You compromise on what you shouldn't and fight for things not worth fighting for. %% You consider yourself a born leader. Others think of you as pushy. %% You display the wonderful traits of charm and courtesy. %% You don't drink beer. You rent it. %% You don't learn anything the second time you're kicked by a mule. %% You don't need to fly to have more fun with wings. -- Joe Anderson %% You enjoy the company of other people. %% You feel strong enough to be gentle. %% You freely express resentment at bad treatment. Then you forget it. %% You get the most of what you need the least. -- Jane Bryant Quinn %% You goddamn cornhuskers are all alike. -- Jim Thompson %% You grow up the day you have the first real laugh -- at yourself. %% You have a deep appreciation of the arts and music. %% You have a difficult time coping with reality. %% You have a healthy appreciation of your abilities, and a keen awareness of your limitations. %% You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. %% You have a reputation for being thoroughly reliable and trustworthy. %% You have a reputation for being thoroughly unreliable and untrustworthy. %% You have a strong appeal for members of the opposite sex. %% You have a strong desire for a home and your family interests come first. %% You have a truly strong individuality. %% You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the CIA and FBI. %% You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the CIA and FBI. (And, in fact, you're right.) %% You have a will that can be influenced by all with whom you come in contact. %% You have an ability to sense and know higher truth. %% You have an ambitious nature and may make a name for yourself. %% You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. %% You have an unusual equipment for success. Be sure to use it properly. %% You have an unusual understanding of the problems of human relationship. %% You have been selected for a secret mission. %% You have had a long-term stimulation relative to business. %% You have literary talent that you should take pains to develop. %% You have many dear and loyal friends. %% You have many friends and very few enemies. %% You have minor influence over your associates and people resent you for flaunting your powers. %% You have more respect for a capable shoeshine boy, than for a crass opportunist. %% You have no friends among the ambitious. -- Ron Randall %% You have taken yourself too seriously. %% You have the body of a 19 year old. Please return it before it gets wrinkled. %% You have the power to influence all with whom you come in contact. %% You have to be as fully prepared for the dull game as you are for the great game, or else you won't be prepared for the great one. -- Red Barber %% You hear about constitutional rights, free speech and the free press. Every time I hear these words I say to myself, "That man is a Red!" ... You never hear a REAL American talk like that! -- Mayor Frank Hague %% You judge others only by how well they live up to their own capacities. %% You judge the acts of others only by their intentions. %% You judge your own acts only by their consequences. %% You keep your equilibrium no matter what position you find yourself in. %% You know it's going to be a bad day when: you call suicide prevention and they put you on hold. %% You know it's going to be a bad day when: you see a "60 Minutes" news team waiting in your office. %% You know it's going to be a bad day when: you turn on the news and they're displaying emergency routes out of your city. %% You know it's going to be a bad day when: you wake up face down on the pavement. %% You know it's going to be a bad day when: you want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and there aren't any. %% You know it's going to be a bad day when: your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles. %% You know it's going to be a bad day when: your horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway. %% You know it's going to be a bad day when: your only son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind her own business. %% You know it's going to be a bad day when: your twin sister forgets your birthday. %% You know that people will be kind to you, given a chance. %% You know what to fight for and what to compromise on. %% You know when the price of winning is too high. %% You know you're paranoid when you can't think of anything that's your fault. -- Robert Hutchins %% You lack confidence and are generally a coward. %% You learn from your mistakes. %% You left your footprints on my stomach when you walked out of my heart. %% You like to form new friendships and make new acquaintances. %% You live and learn. Or you don't live long. %% You love peace. %% You love your home and want it to be beautiful. %% You may be sure that when a man begins to call himself a "realist," he is preparing to do something he is secretly ashamed of doing. -- Sydney Harris %% You may not be able to change the whole world, but at least you can embarrass the guilty. -- Katha Pollitt %% You need not worry about your future. %% You never hesitate to tackle the most difficult problems. %% You never know where bottom is until you plumb for it. -- Frederick Laing %% You own a dog; you feed a cat. %% You plan things that you do not even attempt because of your extreme caution. %% You prefer the company of the opposite sex, but are well liked by your own. %% You recoil from the crude; you tend naturally toward the exquisite. %% You respect those superior to yourself and try to learn from them. %% You say it can't be won The way the game is run; But if you choose to stay You wind up playin' anyway. -- Jackson Browne %% You seek to shield those you love and you like the role of the provider. %% You shall be rewarded for a dastardly deed. %% You shall reach the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. %% You think it is a want of judgment that he changes his opinion. Do you think it a proof that your scales are bad because they vibrate with every additional weight that is added to either side? -- Edgeworth %% You try never to hurt people, and do so only when it serves a higher purpose. %% You will always have good luck in your personal affairs. %% You will attract cultured and artistic people to your home. %% You will be aided greatly by a person whom you thought to be unimportant. %% You will be awarded a medal for disregarding safety in saving someone. %% You will be awarded some great honor. %% You will be called upon to help a friend in trouble. %% You will be given a post of trust and responsibility. %% You will be honored for contributing your time and skill to a worthy cause. %% You will be married within a year. %% You will be recognized and honored as a community leader. %% You will be shot at sunrise. %% You will be singled out for promotion in your work. %% You will be successful in love. %% You will be surprised by a loud noise. %% You will be surrounded by luxury. %% You will be traveling and coming into a fortune. %% You will emerge from the gutter, only to trip and land in the sewer. %% You will engage in a profitable business activity. %% You will gain money by a speculation or lottery. %% You will have good luck and overcome many hardships. %% You will have long and healthy life. %% You will hear good news from one you thought unfriendly to you. %% You will inherit some money or a small piece of land. %% You will meet an important person who will help you advance professionally. %% You will need three umbrellas: one to leave at the office, one to leave at home home, and one to leave on the train. -- James L. Blankenship %% You will never know hunger. %% You will overcome the attacks of jealous associates. %% You will probably marry after a very brief courtship. %% You will receive a legacy which will place you above want. %% You will soon meet a person who will play an important role in your life. %% You will step on the soil of many countries. %% You will triumph over your enemy. %% You will win success in whatever calling you adopt. %% You win a few, you lose a few. But I wish this one had been rained out. %% You would rather be admired than liked, although you would prefer both. %% You would rather blame yourself than others, but you don't waste much time doing either when things go wrong. %% You'll find in no park or city A monument to a committee. -- Victoria Pasternak %% You're a bum. %% You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. -- Dean Martin %% You're not my type. For that matter, you're not even my species!!! %% Your If is the only peace-maker -- much virtue in If. -- Shakespeare %% Your aims are high, and you are capable of much. %% Your business will assume vast proportions. %% Your dentist will buy a yacht. %% Your depth of comprehension may tend to make you lax in worldly ways. %% Your domestic life may be harmonious. %% Your gift is princely, but it comes too late, And falls like sunbeams on a blasted blossom. -- Suckling %% Your happiness is intertwined with your outlook on life. %% Your heart is pure, and your mind clear, and your soul devout. %% Your love life will be happy and harmonious. %% Your lover will never wish to leave you. %% Your mental health will be better if you have lots of fun outside of that office. -- Dr. William Menninger %% Your mind understands what you have been taught; your heart, what is true. %% Your mode of life will be changed for the better because of good news soon. %% Your mode of life will be changed for the better because of new developments. %% Your nature demands love and your happiness depends on it. %% Your own qualities will help prevent your advancement in the world. %% Your present plans will be successful. %% Your reasoning powers are good, and you are a fairly good planner. %% Your rich uncle will die, but will spell your name incorrectly. %% Your society will be sought by people of taste and refinement. %% Your talents will be recognized and suitably rewarded. %% Your temporary financial embarrassment will be relieved in a surprising manner. %% Youth had been a habit of hers so long that she could not part with it. %% Zero raised to the nth power remains zero. -- Pop Baslim %% Zoo: An excellent place to study the habits of human beings. -- Evan Esar %% eHpl ! Imat arppdei sndi eht eDP-P11 %% n + 1 trivial tasks take twice as long as n trivial tasks, for n sufficiently large. -- Ed Logg %% May your daughters be like the flowers in the field -- wither away and fade. %% May you daughters' beauty be admired by everyone in the circus. %% May your daughters grow up such gems, their presence in your house illuminates your old age. %% May you have a dozen daughters, each uglier than sin, and not one penny in dowry. %% May your daughters' hair grow thick, black, and abundant -- all over their faces. %% May your daughters marry men of substance: gypsies with two bears. %% May your mouth never close and your arse never open. %% May you back into a pitchfork and grab a hot stove for support. %% May your clock run slow, your heart fast, your bile over, your wife away, your nose always. %% May you become the greatest expert on drought, locust, pip, and anthrax. %% May the sun and the spring breeze warm and caress you like an apple as you hang from a tree. %% May you be known for you hospitality to God's creatures: lice, rats, bedbugs, fleas, worms, maggots. %% May you always have someone to share your bed and board: mice, lice, rats, gnats, bedbugs, and fleas. %% May your children be so famous every policeman knows them. %% May you daughters marry men of substance: gypsies with two bears. %% May you be spared the indignities and infirmities of old age. %% May you never see an old-age home, God forbid. %% May the secondhand-clothes dealer marvel at the good condition of your wardrobe. %% May you make a widow and orphans happy -- your own. %% May the angel of death skip your house altogether -- and send Satan instead. %% May God answer all your prayers -- then mistake your worst enemy for you. %% May you lose everthing, so that no enemy can cast an evil eye upon you. %% May you always have more than your enemies: a seven-year itch lasting fourteen years, a twenty-four-hour catarrh lasting six weeks, a bigger hernia, a fatter goiter. %% May you croak one day before your worst enemy. %% May your enemies get cramps in their legs when they dance on your grave. %% May you fool your enemies and beat them to Paradise. %% May you never develop stomach trouble from too rich a diet. %% May the egg you ate tonight rouse you bright and early tomorrow. %% May you and your wife share with each other like a horse and a sparrow. %% May you grow so rich you never have to eat, drink, piss, crap, wash, or walk by youself, God forbid. %% May your fortune grow so, you can afford only the finest specialist. %% May you be rich enough to afford only the best: a diamond truss, jeweled crutches, crystal eyes, and gold teeth. %% May gold, jewels, and silver never mean a thing to you. %% May you lose all your teeth -- but one should remain for a toothache. %% May you make a poor man richer: your doctor. %% May your son grow up to be a famous doctor, and may you be his only case. %% May you have devoted children to chase the flies off your nose. %% May they name something new after you: a disease. %% May famous specialists come to you from all over the world, to learn about sickness. %% May all your boils, sores, scabs, scurfs, and carbuncles be little ones. %% May all your pains be small enough so there's room for them all. %% May you never feel pain, itch, burn, heat, cold, sting, prick. %% May the wolves never eat you because you're so tough and stringy. %% May you be such a fast healer, new boils keep growing over you scabs. %% May they find thousands of new cures for you each year. %% May you never develop rheumatism, so you can scratch away till you're ninety. %% May you never hear a word of gossip, slander, profanity, or blasphemy. %% May you never have to visit such a filthy place as the outhouse. %% May you learn to perform miracles: earn a living and marry off your daughters. %% May you grow so rich your widow's second husband never has to worry about a living, God forbid. %% May Rothschild make you his heir, then outlive you. %% May all your dreams come true, and may you have only nightmares. %% May you marry the best cook in the world and get ulcers. %% May you enjoy your wedding feast, then choke on the last bite. %% May misfortune never befall you, God forbid, except when you sneeze. %% May you have nightmares each night and may you awaken each time to find yourself in another nightmare. %% May you learn the secret of life in every dream, then forget it each time you awaken. %% May you be invited to a banquet by the governor-general and belch in his face. %% May the angels that guard your bed take bribes from the devil. %% May you be twins, so that all your pains, troubles, and worries are double. %% May God give you a long life of a hundred and twenty and not one day without pain, sorrow, and suffering. %% I wish you everything you wish me, and everything you'll wish you wished me after I've wished you everything I wish you. %% May you afford only the finest gruel. %% May you inherit a barrel of wine and a bladder without a hole. %% May you get the winning lottery ticket and a hole in your pocket. %% May your name be so famous that every bailiff, bill collector, constable, and police inspector knows it. %% May you know enough about courts, judges, bailiffs, and bail bondsmen to be a lawyer. %% May you live forever with a beautiful wife, a rose garden, and music, and have the eyes, nose, and ears of a stone. %% May you be fruitful and multiply so that your generations are as plentiful as the stars in the sky, and may you have to house, feed, and clothe them all. %% May you be blessed with a wife so healthy and strong, she can pull the plow when your horse drops dead. %% May you grow so healthy, husky, and fat the worms take eighteen years to pick you clean. %% May your mother-in-law treat you like her own child and move in with you. %% May you outlive everyone but your mother-in-law. %% May your possessions never tempt another to steal. %% May you be so endowed no one envies you. %% Since poverty is no disgrace, may you never know shame. %% May you never have healthy mice in the house. %% May your name be always associated with charity -- as you rot away in the poorhouse. %% May you and your partner be as close as brothers -- Cain and Abel. %% May all your debtors pay off your partner in cash while you're out of the city. %% May you have the nicest neighbors in all Siberia. %% May you be strong enough to endure prison without getting sick, God forbid. %% May your sons turn out so smart they're promoted to corporal. %% May you get to see all Russia at the Tsar's expense. %% May you have eyes like a hawk and a spouse with warts. %% May your children grow tall, strong, straight, and hardy like the weeds in the Garden of Eden. %% May you travel the world over just one step ahead of the police. %% Opinions are like assholes - everyones got one, but nobody wants to look at the other guy's. Hal Hickman %% The United States Army; 194 years of proud service, unhampered by progress. %% Do something big -- fuck a giant %% Draft beer, not people %% God isn't dead, He's just trying to avoid the draft. %% God is an atheist. %% Blessed are the meek for they shall inhibit the earth. %% In the Garden of Eden sat Adam, Massaging the bust of his madam, He chuckled with mirth, For he knew that on earth, There were only two boobs and he had 'em. %% Chaste makes waste. %% Cunnilingus is next to godliness. %% Coito ergo sum %% God is not dead -- he's been busted %% The difference between this school and a cactus plant is that the cactus has the pricks on the outside. %% Hugh Hefner is a virgin. %% I came; I saw; I fucked up %% Reagan can't _a_c_t either %% Large cats can be dangerous, but a little pussy never hurt anyone. %% Cleveland still lives. God _m_u_s_t be dead. %% Getting an education at the University of California is like having $50.00 shoved up your ass, a nickel at a time. %% Christian: One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. One who follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin. %% Monday: In Christian countries, the day after the football game. %% Ocean: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man -- who has no gills. %% Build a better mousetrap, the saying goes -- and with the brassiere, Yankee Ingenuity did exactly that. But their true stroke of genius was the new bait. The old fashioned mousetrap was loaded with cheese; nobody cares much about cheese, except mice. But when American Know-How reloaded the brassiere with tits, every heterosexual male in the country was hopelessy trapped. -- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*" %% "God built a compeling sex drive into every creature, no matter what style of fucking it practiced. He made sex irresistibly preasurable, wildly joyous, free from fears. He made it innocent merriment. "Needelss to say, fucking was an immediate smash hit. Everyone agreed, from aardvarks to zebras. All the jolly animals -- lions and lambs, rhinoceroses and bazelles, skylarks and lobsteres, even insects, though most of them fuck only once in a lifetime -- fucked along innocently and merrily for hundreds of millions of years. Maybe they were dumb animals, but they knew a good thing when they had one." -- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*" %% Occident: The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient. It is largely inhabited by Christians, powerful sub-tribe of the Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating, which they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce." These, also, are the principal industries of the Orient. %% "I've had one child. My husband wants to have another. I'd like to watch him have another." %% I wouldn't mind dying -- it's that business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me. -- R. Geis %% History has the relation to truth that theology has to religion -- i.e. none to speak of. -- Lazarus Long %% ...the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost would never throw the Devil out of Heaven as long as they still need him as a fourth for bridge. -- Letter in NEW LIBERTARIAN NOTES #19 %% Them Toad Suckers How 'bout them toad suckers, ain't they clods? Sittin' there suckin' them green toady frogs! Suckin' them hop toads, suckin' them chunkers, Suckin' them a leapy type, suckin' them flunkers. Look at them toad suckers, ain't they snappy? Suckin' them bog frogs sure make's 'em happy! Them hugger mugger toad suckers, way down south, Stickin' them sucky toads in they mouth! How to be a toad sucker, no way to duck it, Get yourself a toad, rear back, and suck it! -- Mason Williams %% There was an old pirate named Bates Who was learning to rhumba on skates. He fell on his cutlass Which rendered him nutless And practically useless on dates. %% There was a young man from Bel-Aire Who was screwing his girl on the stair, But the banister broke So he doubled his stroke And finished her off in mid-air. %% A pretty young lady named Vogel Once sat herself down on a molehill. A curious mole Nosed into her hole -- Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill. %% A mathematician named Hall Has a hexahedronical ball, And the cube of its weight Times his pecker's, plus eight Is his phone number -- give him a call.. %% Said Einstein, "I have an equation Which to some may seem rabelaisian: Let _V be virginity Approaching infinity; Let _P be a constant persuasion; "Let _V over _P be inverted With the square root of _M_u inserted _N times into _V ... The result, Q.E.D., Is a relative!" Einstein asserted. %% A team playing baseball in Dallas Called the umpire blind out of malice. While this worthy had fits The team made eight hits And a girl in the bleachers named Alice. %% A bather whose clothing was strewed By breezes that left her quite nude, Saw a man come along And, unless I'm quite wrong, You expected this line to be lewd. %% There was a young lad name of Durcan Who was always jerkin' his gherkin. His father said, "Durcan! Stop jerkin' your gherkin! Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'. %% There was a young girl named Saphire Who succumbed to her lover's desire. She said, "It's a sin, But now that it's in, Could you shove it a few inches higher?" %% A beat schizophrenic said, "Me? I am not I, I'm a tree." But another, more sane, Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!" And covered his pants leg with pee. %% In the beginning was the DEMO Project. And the Project was without form. And darkness was upon the staff members thereof. So they spake unto their Division Head, saying, "It is a crock of shit, and it stinks." And the Division Head spake unto his Department Head, saying, "It is a crock of excrement and none may abide the odor thereof." Now, the Department Head spake unto his Directorate Head, saying, "It is a container of excrement, and is very strong, such that none may abide before it." And it came to pass that the Directorate Head spake unto the Assistant Technical Director, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer and none may abide by its strength." And the assistant Technical Director spake thus unto the Technical Director, saying, "It containeth that which aids growth and it is very strong." And, Lo, the Technical Director spake then unto the Captain, saying, "The powerful new Project will help promote the growth of the Laboratories." And the Captain looked down upon the Project, and He saw that it was Good! %% There once was a hacker named Ken Who inherited truckloads of Yen So he built him some chicks Of silicon chips And hasn't been heard from since then. %% There once was a plumber from Leigh, Who was plumbing his maid by the sea, Said she, "Please stop plumbing, I think someone's coming!" Said he, "Yes I know love, it's me." %% There once was a freshman named Lin, Whose tool was as thin as a pin, A virgin named Joan From a bible belt home, Said "This won't be much of a sin." %% Fie for shame, you lascivious, lewd, lecherous, libidinous, lustful, licentious, dirty bum!! %% "When I grow up, I want to be an honest lawyer so things like that can't happen." -- Richard Nixon as a boy (on the Teapot Dome scandal) %% There once was a couple named Kelley, Who lived their life belly to belly. Because in their haste They used Library Paste, Instead of Petroleum Jelly. %% CLONE OF MY OWN (to Home on the Range) Oh, give me a clone Of my own flesh and bone With the Y chromosome changed to X. And when she is grown, My very own clone, We'll be of the opposite sex. Chorus: Clone, clone of my own, With the Y chromosome changed to X. And when we're alone, Since her mind is my own, She'll be thinking of nothing but sex. -- Randall Garrett %% "If God wanted us to have a President, He would have sent us a candidate." -- Jerry Dreshfield %% Living in Hollywood is like living in a bowl of granola. What ain't fruits and nuts is flakes. %% "As for Carter being for registration but against the draft, isn't that sort of being like for putting it in and not taking it out? Even if it was possible not to follow through, you'd still be getting screwed." %% There once was a young man named Gene who invented a screwing machine Concave and convex it served either sex And it played with itself inbetween. %% Why is Mrs. Carter always on top when she and Jimmy make love? Because all Jimmy Carter can do is fuck up. %% Sex is like a bridge game -- If you have a good hand no partner is needed. %% "White House carpenters have reworked the master bedroom, remodeling it so that Ronnie can sleep with his head in the hall. That way, by the time he wakes up, somebody will have already shined his hair." %% He waxn't much of an actor, he wasn't much of a Govenor -- Hell, they _H_A_D to make him President of the United States. It's the only job he's qualified for! -- Michael Cain %% "What the hell are you getting so upset about? I thought you didn't believe in God." "I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears. "but the God I don't beleive in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God. He's not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be." -- Joseph Heller %% A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who has never learned to walk. -- Franklin D. Roosevelt %% Conservative: One who admires radicals centuries after they're dead. -- Leo C. Rosten %% A conservative is a man who believes that nothing should be done for the first time. -- Alfred E. Wiggam %% A pretty young maiden from France Decided she'd "just take a chance." She let herself go For an hour or so And now all her sisters are aunts. %% John Birch Society: That pathetic manifestation of organized apoplexy. -- Edward P. Morgan %% Laissez Faire Economics is the theory that if each acts like a vulture, all will end as doves. %% "A Mormon is a man that has the bad taste and the religion to do what a good many ohter people are restrained from doing by conscientious scruples and the police." -- Mr. Dooley %% Sure, Reagan has promised to take senility tests. But what if he forgets? %% Grain grows best in shit -- U. K. LeGuin %% All things dull and ugly, All creatures short and squat, All things rude and nasty, The Lord God made the lot; Each little snake that poisons, Each little wasp that stings, He made their brutish venom, He made their horrid wings. All things sick and cancerous, All evil great and small, All things foul and dangerous, The Lord God made them all. Each nasty little hornet, Each beastly little squid. Who made the spikey urchin? Who made the sharks? He did. All things scabbed and ulcerous, All pox both great and small. Putrid, foul and gangrenous, The Lord God made them all. --Monty Python %% Immanuel Kant was a real pissant Who was very rarely stable. Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar Who could think you under the table. David Hume could out-consume Schopenhauer and Hegel, And Wittgenstein was a beery swine Who was just as schloshed as Schlegel. There's nothing Nietzsche couldn't teach ya 'Bout the raising of the wrist. Socrates, himself, was permanently pissed! John Stuart Mill, of his own free will, On half a pint of shandy was particularly ill. Plato, they say, could stick it away Half a crate of whiskey every day. Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle, Hobbes was fond of his dram, And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart: "I drink, therefore I am" Yes, Socrates, himself, is particularly missed; A lovely little thinker But a bugger when he's pissed! -- Monty Python %% Hackers do it with all sorts of characters. %% All a hacker needs is a tight PUSHJ, a loose pair of UUOs, and a warm place to shift. %% Hackers know all the right MOVs. %% Hackers do it with fewer instructions. %% Hackers do it with bugs. %% AI hackers do it with robots. %% AI hackers do it robotically. %% Mathematicians take it to the limit. %% Mathematicians do it in theory. %% Statisticians probably do it. %% Statisticians do it with 95% confidence. %% Physicists do it with charm %% Doctors take two aspirin and do it in the morning. %% Bankers do it with interest (penalty for early withdrawal). %% Politicians do it to everyone. %% Test makers do it sometimes/always/never. %% Procrastinators do it tomorrow. %% Communists do it without class. %% Evangelists do it with Him watching. %% God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our friends. %% The world is an 8000 mile in diameter spherical pile of shit. %% The machine -- not only does it relieve us mechanically of a crushing weight of physical and mental labor; but by the miraculous enhancing of our senses, through its powers of enlargement, penetration and exact measurement, it constantly increases the scope and clarity of our perceptions. It fulfills the dream of all living creatures by satisfying our instinctive craving for the maximum of consciousness with a minimum of effort! Having embarked upon so profitable a path, how can Mankind fail to pursue it? -- Teilhard de Chardin %% In every human soul as it confronts the world there is a sense of the portentious. Our existence, our being here at all, our being in the world, is the really portentious fact for us; it is the sense of the unfamiliar, the strange, the threatening, the sense of not being at home in the world, even when there are no special threats ... all technology is the overcoming of the portentiousness in things. The bare knowing, the classifying of things by means of laws and general interrelationships, represents a repression of their demonic depths, of their incomprehensibility, of their strangeness, their threat to human existence. -- John Luther Adams %% Societies will, of course, wish to exercise prudence in deciding which technologies -- that is, which applications of science -- are to be pursued and which not. But without funding basic research, without supporting the acquisition of knowledge for its own sake, our options become dangerously limited. -- Carl Sagan %% Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth and subdue it; and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the air and over every living thing that moves upon the earth. -- Genesis 1:28 %% I believe we are observing a race between the trend toward the successful social application of technology and the trend of public alienation with technology. I fear that if there is widespread disillusion with technology, scientific thought itself will not long be free and aupported, and some dark ages may be upon us. -- Clark Abt %% We are all afraid -- for our confidence, for the future, for the world. That is the nature of the human imagination. Yet every man, every civilization, has gone forward because of its engagement with what it has set itself to do. -- Jacob Bronowski %% And I asked myself about the present: how wide it was, how deep it was, how much was mine to keep. -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr. %% It is the business of the future to be dangerous; and it is among the merits of science that it equips the future for its duties. -- Alfred North Whitehead %% In the increasingly mechanized, automated, cybernated environment of the modern world -- a cold, bodiless world of wheels, smooth plastic surfaces, tubes, pushbuttons, transistors, computers, jet propulsion, rockets to the moon, atomic energy -- man's need for affirmation of his biology has become that much more intense. -- Eldridge Cleaver %% Man does work for profit in order to enjoy pain; but in a positive sense, he works to enjoy the excitement and meaning that achievement provides for his own psychological growth and thereby his happiness. -- Frederick Herzberg %% To the frustrated, freedom from responsibility is more attractive than freedom from restraint. -- Eric Hoffer %% ... we must move from ... the primacy of technology toward considerations of social justice and equity, from the dictates of organizational convenience toward the aspirations of self-realization and learning, from authoritarianism and dogmatism toward more participation, from uniformity and centralization toward diversity and pluralism, from the concept of work as hard and unavoidable, from life as nasty, brutish, and short toward work as purpose and self-fulfillment, a recognition of leisure as a valid activity in itself. -- Warren Bennis %% For democracy is a method of finding proximate solutions for insoluble problems. -- Reinhold Niebuhr %% The problem that we face is a collective responsibility in order to balance on the one hand the competitive enterprise system from which innovation, entrepreneurship and new products and new processes come and, on the other hand, a sensible series of restraints. To try to wish away one or the other, to say that government can produce the products and services, or that the enterprise system can take care of the public good, I think, is misreading the times. -- J. Herbert Hollomon %% Technology is the expression of the society; it is an expression of the values and the abilities of the people that generate it. It is indeed a most revealing indicator of our society. and the fact is that technology in turn shapes the values of a society and of its people. -- George Bugliarello %% Man, in the unsearchable darkness, knoweth one thing That as he is, so was he made; and if the Essence And characteristic faculty of humanity Is our conscient Reason and our desire of knowledge That was Nature's Purpose in the making of man. -- Robert Bridges %% Admiration is the daughter of innocence. -- Benjamin Franklin %% We always love those who admire us; we do not always love those whom we admire. -- Francois de La Rochefoucauld %% The only things one can admire at length are those one admires without knowing why. -- Jean Rostand %% Fools admire, but men of sense apporve. -- Alexander Pope %% A fool always finds a greater fool to admire him. -- Nicolas Bolleau-Despreaux %% Admiration is a very short-lived passion, that immediately decays upon growing familiar with its object. -- Joseph Addison %% Distance is a great promoter of admiration! -- Denis Diderot %% Without adventure civilization is in full decay. -- Alfred North Whitehead %% Adventure is not outside man; it is within. -- David Grayson %% Who dares nothing, need hope fope for nothing. -- Johann von Schiller %% You can't cross the sea merely by standing and staring at the water. Don't let yourself indulge in vain wishes. -- Rabibdranath Tagore %% We live in a wonderful world that is full of beauty, charm and adventure. There is no end to the adventures that we can have if only we seek then with our eyes open. -- Jawaharial Nehru %% By trying, we can easily learn to endure adversity -- another man's, I mean. -- Mark Twain %% No man is more unhappy than the one who is never in adversity; the greatest affliction of life is never to be afflicted. %% Adversity makes men, and prosperity makes monsters. -- Victer Hugo %% Little minds are tamed and subdued by misfortune; but great minds rise above them. -- Washington Irving %% Prosperity is not without many fears and distaste; adversity not without many comforts and hopes. -- Francis Bacon %% Friendship, of itself a holy tie, Is made more sacred by adversity. -- Charles Caleb Colton %% Adversity is the first path to truth. -- Lord Byron %% The good things of prosperity are to be wished; but the good things that belong to adversity are to be admired. -- Seneca %% Prosperity is a great teacher; adversity is a greater. Possession pampers the mind; privation trains and strengthens it. -- William Hazlitt %% Constant success shows us but one side of the world; adversity brings out the reverse of the picture. -- Charles Caleb Colton %% Advertising is 85% confusion and 15% commission. -- Fred Allen %% Advertising may be described as the science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it. -- Stephen Butler Leacock %% The business that considers itself immune to the necessity for advertising sooner or later finds itself immune to business. -- Derby Brown %% Advertising is the foot on the accelerator, the hand on the throttle, the spur on the flank that keeps our economy surging forward. -- Robert W. Sarnoff %% Doing business with advertising is like winking at a girl in the dark. You know what you are doing, but nobody else does. -- Steuart H. Britt %% Advertising is the life of trade. -- Calvin Coolidge %% The product that will not sell without advertising will not sell profitable with advertising. -- Albert Lasker %% Sanely applied advertising could remake the world. -- Stuart Chase %% Advertising promotes that divine discontent which makes peoplestrive to improve their economic status. -- Ralph S. Butler %% Advertising is selling by telling. -- Gary B. Wright %% Advice is like snow; the softer it falls the longer it dwells upon, and the deeper it sinks into the mud. -- Samuel Taylor Coleridge %% Advise is seldom welcome, and those who need it the most, like it the least. -- Lord Chesterfield %% We give advice by the bucket, but take it by the grain. -- William Rounseville Alger %% Advice: the smallest current coin. -- Ambrose Bierce %% It is easy when we are in prosperity to give advice to the afflicted. -- Aeschylus %% In those days he was wiser than he is now -- he used to frequently take my advice. -- Winsotn Churchill %% Men give away nothing so liberally as their advice. -- Francois de La Rochefoucauld %% He that gives good advice, builds with one hand; he that ggives good counsel and example, builds with both; but he that gives good admonition and bad example, builds with one hand and pulls down with the other. -- Francis Bacon %% No man is so foolish but he may sometimes give another good counsel, and no man so wise that he may not easily err it he takes no other counsel than his own. He that is taught only by himself has a fool for a master. -- Ben Johnson %% Advice is like castor oil, easy enough to give but dreadful to take. -- Josh Billings %% It is only too easy to make suggestions and later try to escape the consequences of what we say. -- Jawaharial Nehru %% The only thing to do with good advice is to pass it on. It is never of any use to oneself. -- Oscar Wilde %% He that won't be counselled can't be helped. -- Benjamin Franklin %% Write down the advice of him who loves you, thou you like it not at present. %% It takes nearly as much ability to know how to profit by good advice as to know how to act for one's self. -- Francois de La Rochefoucauld %% There is as much difference between the counsel that a friend giveth, and that a man giveth himself, as there is between counsel of a friend and a flatterer. -- Francis Bacon %% Consult your friend on all things, especially on those which respect yourself. His counsel may then be useful where your own self-love might impair your judgement. -- Seneca %% Affection, like melancholy, magnifies trifles; but the magnifying of the one is like looking through a telescope at heavenly objects; that of the other, like enlarging monsters with a microscope. -- Leigh Hunt %% A slight touch of friendly malice and amusement towards those we love keeps our affections for them from turning flat. -- Logan P. Smith %% Talk not of wasted affection; affection never was wasted. -- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow %% Caresses, expressions of one sort or another, are necessary to the life of the affections, as leaves are to the life of a tree. If they are wholly restrained, love will die at the roots. -- Nathaniel Hawthorne %% The affections are like lightening; you cannot tell where they will strike till they have fallen. -- Jean Baptiste Lacordaire %% A woman's life is a history of the affections. -- Washington Irving %% I never met a man I didn't like. -- Will Rogers %% The moment we indulge our affections, the earth is metamorphosed; there is no winter and no night; all tragedies, all ennuis, vanish -- all duties even. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson %% The gem cannot be polished without friction, nor man perfected without trials. %% Strength is born in the deep silence of long-suffering hearts; not amid joy. -- Felicia Hermans %% Affliction, like the iron-smith, shapes as it smites. -- Christian Nestell Bovee %% I thank God for my handicaps, for through them, I have found myself, my work and my God. -- Helen Keller %% To bear other people's afflictions, everyone has courage and enough to spare. -- Benjamin Franklin %% As threshing separates the wheat from the chaff, so does affliction purify virtue. -- Richard E. Burton %% Humanity either makes, or breeds, or tolerates all its afflictions. -- H. G. Wells %% Affliction comes to us, not to make us sad but sober; not to make us sorry but wise. -- Henry Ward Beecher %% Though all afflictions are evils in themselves, yet they are good for us, because they discover to us our disease and tend to our cure. -- John Tillotson %% By afflictions God is spoiling us of what otherwise might have spoiled us. When he makes the world too hot for us to hold, we let it go. -- John Powell %% I refuse to admit I'm more than fifty-two, even if that makes does make my sons illegitamite. -- Lady Astor %% If wrinkles must be written on our brows, let them not be written upon the heart. The spirit should never grow old. -- James A. Garfield %% Age -- that period of life in which we compound for the vices that we still cherish by reviling those that we no longer have the enterprise to commit. -- Ambrose Bierce %% Age ... is a matter of feeling, not of years. -- George William Curtis %% Age does not depend upon years, but upon temperment and health. Some men are born old, and some never grow so. -- Tyron Edwards %% Only the young die good. %% A man is not old as long as he is seeking something. -- Jean Rostand %% The woman who tells her age is either too young to have anything to lose or too old to have anything to gain. %% The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom. -- H. L. Mencken %% The truth is often a terrible weapon of aggression. It is possible to lie, and even to murder, with the truth. -- Alfred Adler %% It is the habit of every aggressor nation to claim that it is acting on the defensive. -- Jawaharial Nehru %% Aggression which is flagitious when committed by one, is not sanctioned when committed by a host. -- Herbert Spencer %% Civilized society is perpetually menaced with disintegration through this primary hostility of men towards one another ... -- Sigmund Freud %% Agitation is the marshalling of the conscience of a nation to mold its laws. -- Robert Peel %% Agitation is that part of our intellectual life where vitality results; there ideas are born, breed and bring forth. -- Geroge Edward Woodberry %% Those who profess to favor freedom, and yet depreciate agitation, are men who want rain without thunder and lightning. They want the ocean without the roar of its many waters. -- Frederick Douglass %% Agnosticism simply means that a man shall not say he knows or believes that for which he has no grounds for professing to believe. -- Thomas Huxley %% Agnosticism is the philosophical, ethical and religious dry-rot of the modern world. -- F. E. Abbot %% There is only one greater folly than that of the fool who says in his heart there is no God, and that is the folly of the people that says with its head that it does not know whether there is a God or not. -- Otto von Bismark %% I am an agnostic; I do not pretend to know what many ignorant men are sure of. -- Clarence Darrow %% Don't be an agnostic -- be something. -- Robert Frost %% We hardly find any persons of good sense save those who agree with us. -- Francois de La Rochefoucauld %% He that complies against his will Is of his own opinion still. -- Samuel Butler %% When two men in business always agree, one of them is unnecessary. -- William Wrigley, Jr. %% There is no conversation more boring than the one where everybody agrees. -- Michel de Montaigne %% I have never in my life learned anything from any man who agreed with me. -- Dudley Field Malone %% If you wish to appear agreeable in society, you must consent to be taught many things which you know already. -- Johann Kaspar Lavater %% The fellow that agrees with everything you say is either a fool or he is getting ready to skin you. -- Kin Hubbard %% You may easily play a joke on a man who likes to argue -- agree with him. -- Ed Howe %% Perhaps the reward of the spirit who tries is not the goal but the exercise. -- E. V. Cooke %% Aim at the sun, any you may not reach it; but your arrow will fly far higher than if aimed at an object on a level with yourself. -- Joel Hawes %% In great attempts it is glorious even to fail. -- Cassius %% Not failure, but low aim, is crime. -- James Russell Lowell %% High aims form high characters, and great objects bring out great minds. -- Tyron Edwards %% Those who write clearly have readers, those who write obscurely have commentators. -- Albert Camus %% I fear explanations explanatory of things explained. -- Abraham Lincoln %% Clearly spoken Mr. Fogg; you explain English by Greek. -- Benjamin Franklin %% You can't hold a man down without staying down with him. -- Booker T. Washington %% Ambition is the last refuge of failure. -- Oscar Wilde %% The tallest trees are most in the power of the winds, and ambitious men of the blasts of fortune. -- William Penn %% Ambition has one heel nailed in well, though she stretch her fingers to touch the heavens. -- William Lilly %% We grow small by trying to be great. -- E. Stanley Jones %% Too low they build who build below the skies. -- Edward Young %% Hitch your wagon to a star. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson %% Most people would succeed in small things if they were not troubled with great ambitions. -- Henty Wadsworth Longfellow %% The noblest spirit is most strongly attracted to the love of glory. -- Cicero %% He who surpasses or subdues mankind, must look down on the hate of those below. -- Lord Byron %% Ambition should be made of sterner stuff. -- William Shakespeare %% Ambition is so powerful a passion in the human breast, that however high we reach we are never satisfied. -- Niccolo Machiavelli %% All ambitions are lawful except those which climb upward on the miseries or credulities of mankind. -- Joseph Conrad %% Nothing is too high for the daring of mortals: we storm heaven itself in our folly. -- Horace %% Ambition is not a vice of little people. -- Michel de Montaigne %% To be ambitious of true honor and of the real glory and perfection of our nature is the very principle and incentive of virtue; but to be ambitious of titles, place, ceremonial respects, and civil pageantry, is as vain and little as the things are which we court. -- Philip Sidney %% It is the constant fault and inseparable evil quality of ambition, that it never looks behind it. -- Seneca %% If you wish to reach the highest, begin at the lowest. -- Publius Syrus %% When you are aspiring to the highest place, it is honorable to reach the second or even the third rank. -- Cicero %% Ambition often puts men upon doing the mesaest offices: so climbing is performed in the same posture with creeping. -- Jonathan Swift %% A noble man compares and estimates himself by an idea which is higher than himself; and a mean man, by one lower than himself. The one produces aspiration; the other ambition, which is the way in which a vulgar man aspires. -- Henry Ward Beecher %% Ambition is the germ from which all growth of nobleness proceeds. -- Thomas Dunn English %% Some folks can look so busy doing nuthin' that they seem indispensable. -- Kin Hubbard %% Ambition is a lust that is never quenched, but grows more inflamed and madder by enjoyment. -- Thomas Otway %% A life spent in constant labor is a life wasted, save a man be such a fool as to regard a fulsome obituary notice as ample reward. -- Geprge Jean Nathan %% The men who succeed are the efficient few. They are the few who have the ambition and will power to develop themselves. -- Herbert N. Casson %% Where ambition can cover its enterprises, even to the person himself, under the appearance of principle, it is the most incurable and inflexible of passions. -- David Hume %% No bird soars too high if he soars with his own wings. -- William Blake %% There are glimpses of heaven to us in every act, or thought, or word, that raises us above ourselves. -- Arthur P. Stanley %% It seems to me we can never give up longing and wishing while we are thoroughly alive. There are certain things we feel to be beautiful and good, and we must hunger after them. -- Geroge Eliot %%