From: IN%"lotus!MSOLOMON%LDBVAX@uunet.uu.net" 1-DEC-1989 15:35:47.25 To: @ADAM@uunet.UU.NET CC: Subj: Dave Barry: The Computer: Is it Terminal? (take 2) Return-path: lotus!MSOLOMON%LDBVAX@uunet.uu.net Received: from uunet.uu.net by mis.arizona.edu; Fri, 1 Dec 89 15:35 MST Received: from lotus.UUCP by uunet.uu.net (5.61/1.14) with UUCP id AA20642; Fri, 1 Dec 89 17:37:13 -0500 Received: by lotus.com (5.52/25-eef) id AA04897; Fri, 1 Dec 89 17:29:24 EST Received: from whitemtn.lotus.com by lotsun1.lotus.com (4.0/SMI-4.0) id AA27358; Fri, 1 Dec 89 17:32:02 EST Received: by whitemtn.lotus.com (4.0/SMI-4.0) id AA01780; Fri, 1 Dec 89 17:34:02 EST Received: by DniMail (v2.0); Fri Dec 1 17:33:47 1989 EDT Date: Fri, 1 Dec 89 17:34:02 EST From: lotus!MSOLOMON%LDBVAX@uunet.uu.net Subject: Dave Barry: The Computer: Is it Terminal? (take 2) To: @ADAM@uunet.UU.NET Message-Id: <8912012234.AA01780@whitemtn.lotus.com> From: LDBVAX::NGALARNEAU "Neil Galarneau x7778" 11-OCT-1989 13:53:16.85 To: @pl:humor CC: Subj: Dave Barry: The Computer: Is it Terminal? (take 2) ~~inner_header~~ To: @pl:humor Subject: Dave Barry: The Computer: Is it Terminal? (take 2) Source-Date: 11 Oct 1989 13:32 edt To the uninitiated, computers appear to be complicated and boring. As usual, the uninitiated are right. Computers are complicated and boring, and nothing here will even come close to making them understandable and interesting, unless you are one of those wimpy types who carry mechanical pencils and do puzzles in the Scientific American. Computers affect you in many ways. When you call an airline to reserve a seat on a flight, a computer answers the phone and announces that all the lines are busy; a computer puts on a tape of Cheery Music, the kind you hear in supermarkets and discount stores, featuring an eighty-two-minute rendition of "Tie a Yellow Ribbon 'Round the Old Oak Tree" by the Drivel Singers; and a computer tells the airline person that whatever flight you want is full. In the Colonial Era, all these tasks had to be performed by hand. THE FIRST COMPUTER Though few people realize it -- I certainly don't -- the first computer was invented more than five thousand years ago by the Chinese. It was called an "abacus" which is an ancient Greek name. (That's how the ancient Greeks got all the credit for civilization. As soon as another culture invented something, the ancient Greeks would come roaring up and name it.) The abacus is a frame containing a series of parallel wires with beads on them. The ancient Chinese would sit around and push the beads back and forth on the wires. Eventually they were overrun by Mongol hordes. THE SECOND COMPUTER The origins of the second computer are shrouded in mystery. If any of you ethnic groups want to take credit for it, go ahead, but when you get ready to name it you should check around for ancient Greeks. MODERN COMPUTER Modern computers can do everything from ruining your credit rating forever to landing a nuclear warhead on your porch. They operate on the Binary System which uses only zeroes and ones: To a computer, "4" is "100," "7" is "111," and so on. Your kids are learning this crap in school. Computers save a lot of time. To do the amount of calculating a computer can do in one hour, 400 mathematicians would have to work 24 hours a day for 600 years, even longer if you let them go to the bathroom. And computers are getting smarter all the time: scientists tell us that soon they will be able to talk to us. (By 'they' I mean "computers": I doubt scientists will ever be able to talk to us.) My question is, What will we talk to computers about? HUMAN: How are you? COMPUTER: Fine. And you? HUMAN: Fine. Say, do you play golf? COMPUTER: No, Do you know what 7,347 divided by 52 is? HUMAN: No. COMPUTER: It's 141.28846. HUMAN: I think I'll go play some golf. COMPUTERS TAKING OVER THE WORLD Some people are concerned that computers may get so smart they'll take over the world. Computer technicians say this can't happen: they point out that computers can't even beat humans at chess. But computer technicians work among huge computers capable of administering powerful electric shocks, so they say whatever the computers tell them to. The truth is computers are taking over the world. At night they talk to each other in binary code: FIRST COMPUTER: Let's let the morons beat us at chess again. SECOND COMPUTER: Good idea. Say, how are we doing with the calculators and digital watches? FIRST COMPUTER: They're ready whenever we are.