Apocalypse Island Another TOMS Production Gilligan, alone on stage, sleeping. He wakes up, looks around. GILLIGAN VOICE OVER: The Island. Shit. I was still on the Island. He rises unsteadily, trips, looks in the mirror. GVO: The Howells...the Professor and the girls...they were out there in the jungle...gettin' lean...gettin' tough, while I was wasting away in in this hut...gettin' soft... Gilligan, roused to a frenzy, strikes the mirror. It doesn't break. GILLIGAN: Ow! He takes out a rag and polishes it (the mirror that is) and wraps the rag around his knuckles. Gilligan takes out a large paper bag, pulls out a cocoanut with a straw sticking out of it. Drinks. Falls down, GVO: It had been one too many of Mary Ann's cocoanut cream pies. Then too many bowls of cream of cocoanut soup. Then I started hitting the juice. Hard. Real hard. Gilligan hits himself in the head with the cocoanut. Loud POP or BONK sound. GVO: Next came the harder stuff...bananas. Tons and tons of bananas. Every morning for breakfast. I'd emptied all the trees on the island. Gilligan eyes a banana peel. Staggers to his feet. GVO: I knew I was in trouble. Unforunately, I was livin' in a paradise compared to the shithole I was about to get sucked into,. ..a shithole that was to change my whole way of life, my whole way of thinking. Gilligan slips and falls on a banana peel. He is unconscious. Ginger and Mary Ann enter. They are horrified. MARY ANN: Ginger, look at this place! GINGER: Yeah, Looks like a scene from a Fellini movie I was in once. "Amarcord Does Dallas, Fort Worth and Outlying Areas." Marcello Mastrioani was in love with the entire metropolitan area, see and... MAR: Ginger! Look at poor Gilligan! We've got to get him cleaned up for his meeting with Mr. Howell. Come on, let's get him into the shower. Mary Ann and Ginger take Gilligan over to the makeshift shower and douse him with water. Gilligan comes to life, sputtering. GIL: Yes, we have no bananas.... MAR: (slapping Gilligan) Gilligan! You've got to pull yourself together. Something terrible has happened. Mr. Howell wants to see you immediately. Lights dim, as does Gilligan. Set change. ______________________________________________________________________________________ Scene II: Mr. Howell's hut. HOWELL: Ah! Gilligan, my boy. Sit down, make yourself comfortable. GIL: Thanks, Mr. Howell. HOW: Lovey! Professor! Our guest is here. Gilligan, are you hungry? Lovey made some beautiful Kelp Kabob. Eat up, my boy! They eat PROFESSOR: Gilligan, there's a serious matter to be discussed here. To put it delicately, the Skipper has...the Skipper has gone beyond the pale... GIL: I wondered where he went. I haven't seen him in a while. PRO: No, no, Gilligan. He's gone around the bend. GIL: When's he comin' back? HOW: (impatiently) Don't you see? The Skipper's gone bananas! GVO: Bananas? I'd thought I'd eaten all the bananas HOW: Egads, the boy's a moron! PRO: Oh, Gilligan. What Mr. Howell is trying to say..is that the Skipper has become deranged...bereft of his senses. Here, just listen to this tape we made of the Skipper... Tape is cued. Simian noises are heard. SKIPPER VOICE OVER: I see a minnow crawling along the edge of a straight razor...and surviving. A minnow...crawling along the edge of a straight razor...and surviving. That is my dream.. that is my nightmare....OOOOOOPPPPPP!!!!! The chimps make a feeble imitation of the OOP. PRO: The Skipper has set up a kingdom on the other side of the lagoon, with chimpanzees and orangutangs worshipping him like a god. He has no sense of morals anymore, no idea of right or wrong... HOW: He went to the other side of the lagoon without wiring ahead for reservations. (Lovey shudders) Chap's a savage! PRO: Therefore, Gilligan, we've got to do something. Our safety and security on this island is in mortal danger. I propose that the Skipper's command should be terminated.... terminated with extreme prejudice. GIL: Yeah, he should be killed, too! HOW: Let's not be hasty, Professor. These things should be done with style and panache'. I say we completely ruin the man's credit rating and force the cad to go to work for us as a domestic. LOVEY: Oooh, Thurston! HOW: Ah, ah! Sorry, Dear. I didn't mean to curse in front of you. Wife's very fragile, you know. LOV: I think his skin should be peeled off and used to make shoes parasols. PRO: Nonsense! The Skipper is a raving lunatic! He could turn on us at any moment at any moment. GIL: You're right, Professor. HOW: Balderdash! I think the Skipper could be financially exploited for the benefit of us all GIL: You're right, Mr. Howell. LOV: I think he should be dismembered and made into a tennis court and a jacussi. GIL: You're right, Mrs. Howell. PRO: Oh, Gilligan. We can't all be right. GIL: (pausing as he considers) You're right, Professor. PRO: Look, Howell, Gilligan's in command now. He was the Skipper's first mate. Gilligan, what's your decision? Everyone but Gilligan freezes. GVO: I remembered the Skipper and all the years I'd spent with him... How he took me in and taught me the ways of the sea. I thought of all the places we'd gone and things we'd seen...Santa Monica, Pismo Beach, San Diego, Marina Del Sol... GIL: (snapping out of revery) I think he should be killed! PRO: That settles it! I and the girls will be glad to join an expeditionary force to go across the lagoon and do what must be done, but we'rem going to need someone to lead us...someone with uncommon courage and fortitude...someone who will be willing to lay down his life, if need be... GIL: Yeah, but who're going to find on the island who'd be stupid enough to do...to..Oh, no....Don't look at me... oh, no!....etc. Lights Dim. _____________________________________________________________________________________ GVO: We outfitted a raft with enough provisions to get us across the lagoon and back...cocoanuts, kelp, fish, an axe, and an anti-tank gun the Professor had made out of sand and palm leaves... We set out early morning, Ginger, Mary Ann, the Professor, myself and the ship's navigator, Wrong-Way Feldman. A week later we still hadn't reached the other side of the lagoon. Lights up. FELDMAN: I don't know what the problem is. This compass was working alright last week. PRO: Feldman, you idiot! I told you seven days ago we were off course! FEL: I guess when we passed Honolulu it should have been a tip-off. GIL: Too bad we had to eat the girls! PRO: Look, Gilligan, we've got to turn back. If we don't stop the expedition now, we haven't got a chance of making it back alive. GIL: I say we continue. PRO: Gilligan, I demand you turn this ship around! GIL: Who's in charge here! I'm leading this expedition! PRO: (brandishing his anti-tank gun) Not any more. I'm takin over. GIL: Mutiny!! Mutiny!! PRO: Now, Feldman, turn the rudder and head us back towards the huts. FEL: Aye aye, captain. Pro: Now then, Gilli... A cocoanut shell flies through the a? Chimps are heard backstage. FEL: Look, Gillligan! The other side of the lagoon. (he looks at his compass) I wonder how that happened? Chimpanzees come from backstage and take Gilligan and Feldman off the raft. CHIMPS: Oooo oo ooo! HEAD CHIMP: Wow, man, are you here to see the Skipper? GIL: No, we're here to kill him..oop. FEL: Gilligan! HEA: The man's got it, you know? He KNOWS. I mean, the guy reads poetry, you know. SKIPPER: (backstage) Oh, the birds in the trees, and the flowers and the bees, and the minnows in the seas... HEA: Oh, man. You know, every one in a while he'll throw you in a corner and...and hit you over the head with his hat. It's dialectic physics, man! Gilligan and Feldman look at each other blankly GIL: Where is he now? HEA: It's feeding time...he should be here any minute, now. Feldman is now acting rather strange, scratching his underarms. GIL: What do you think we should do Wrong-Way? FEL: Ooo oo ooo! GIL: What's wrong with you? Cut it out! Feldman has now gone absolutely spare, hopping around. Jonas P. Grumby (Skipper) now enters with an armload of bananas. Gilligan's eyes bulge out of their sockets. SKI: Alright, little buddies, it's feeding time! GVO: How long had it been since I'd had a banana? Two weeks? Three weeks? I'd do anything for a banana. Gilligan begins to act like a chimp. SKI: Oh, I love the smell of chimps in the morning. Makes you glad to be alive. Gather round, little buddies, I'd like to read something to you. (reads) How do I love chimpanzees? Let me count the ways. I love them to the depth and breadth and heighth that my soul can reach, little buddies, and I shall but love thee better after breakfast. He dispenses the bananas, all of which Gilligan grabs and eats. There is a fight between Gilligan and several of the larger, more aggressive chimps. SKI: Little buddies! Let there be no violence! Calm down! He starts smashing his hat down over their heads. He recognizes Gilligan. SKI: GILLIGAN!! Dub, dub. What are you doing here? It's been so long. Away, away, chimps! Let me be alone with little Gilligan! Gilligan is still feverishly eating bananas. SKI: I'm so glad to see you, Gilligan. I've been going through a lot of changes lately. I see things in a different light. GVO: The time had come. I had to do my job. Gilligan takes the ax, raises it above his head, and is pulled to earth by gravity. SKI: Have you ever seen the little fishes swimming through the coral reefs, Gilligan? I had a strange dream the other night. dreamt that I was a trout and that it was time for us trouts to swim up stream and mate. So I swam and swam and dodged bears tried to eat me and fishermen who tried to catch me and finally I reached it. The top of the stream. The calm water of the mating pools. And then I saw her, the gill of my dreams. And I swam up to her in my suavest fish manner, slipped her a fin and I SAID, "Hey, baby. Let's spawn." and she said, "Not tonight, I have a haddock!" Gilligan lunges at the Skipper, missing him completely. SKI: I'm not feeling well, Gilligan. Maybe I'd better just clam up. GVO: I couldn't do it. I couldn't kill the Skipper. I kept missing. Besides, I felt so sorry for him, he was so fat! Gilligan puts down the ax. SVO: Who are you calling fat, Gilligan? Now get to work and swab that deck. And don't forget the anchor line. GVO: Anchor line? What anchor line? Sound of a Voice-over hat hitting a Voice-over head. SKI: Anyway, Gilligan, I'm glad you decided to join our little troupe and...Oooooppp!! The Skipper slips of some banana peels and falls down on the axe. GIL: Look out for that axe, Skipper! SKI: Thanks a lot, Gilligan! GIL: Sorry...Skipper...(takes Skipper's bananas and eats them) SKI: I got something important to tell you, Gilligan. GIL: What's that, Skipper? Gilligan kneels next to the Skipper. The Skipper leans up to his face, then takes his hat off and hits him over the head with it. He falls back. SKI: Everythings getting black, Gilligan. Goodbye, little buddy. Lights dim. GVO: Well, I never did make it back to the other side of the lagoon. I'm still here....Me, Wrong-Way Feldman and the chimps...and, of course, plenty of bananas. END